Flying

I waited until I was safely back on the ground to post this one.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I do not like flying.  No amount of statistics comparing the safety of planes versus automobiles will change my mind on this issue.  At least on the ground, I stand a chance.  In the air, I stand zero chance.

Flying is unnerving.  If you don't believe in a higher power prior to setting foot on an airplane, you will once you're up there.  Especially after hitting your first bump that they like to call "turbulence."  Bitch, please do not ascribe a fancy name to a phenomenon that really shouldn't be happening.  We are in the air, why are we hitting bumps?

Further, don't you ever say to me with a smile on your face, "In the unlikely event of an emergency, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device."  How very thoughtful of you.  Hows about we decrease the likelihood of 'unlikely events?'  That would put a smile on my face.  And even though I'm probably not going to remember any of what you're saying if some shit goes down, could you please slow down and speak a little more clearly?  Furthermore,

Can we please engineer a way for these puppies to fall and not break up to all hell?  Perhaps a massive airbag or a bunch of tiny parachutes?  Good grief.

Yall would have laughed at me on this last flight.  They had to "de-ice" the wings prior to takeoff.  Lucky for me, I had been debriefed on this subject before the trip.  Had I not, you may have read the following headline in your local newspaper: TSA Escorts Woman Off Of Plane For Refusing To Fly.