Friday, June 29, 2012

Magic Mike

There is a God.  And this god is still hand-crafting specimens for our viewing pleasure.  Tonight I had the pleasure of seeing Magic Mike and let me tell you

I have to get a boyfriend.  There was far too much meat.....far too many flips.....and far too much height for one single girl to handle.  I'm pretty sure I almost passed out a few times.  I think I left that theater pregnant.

What will be interesting is to see how many babies will be born around March 29th of next year....

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Who's Gonna Feed That?

Aside from men who happen to be tall and fine, I used to have a thing for "big" men.  Big in the muscular/athletic sense, and the bigger, the better.  My favorite weight was anywhere between 225 and 250.

Well, after dating a few big guys you begin to realize that it's not all it's cracked up to be.  Big men generate a lot of heat.  Big men tend to bump into things and break stuff on accident. Big men take up a lot of space in the bed.  Big men are heavy.  Big men have big clothes which equals big laundry.  And last but not least, big men have even bigger appetites.  Son, who in the hell is gonna feed you?

Can you imagine what your average grocery bill would look like?  And you expect me to produce three or more meals for you, every day? You're out of your mind.  You've got to be doing some real impressing for me to run a small cafeteria out of my house.

P.S. I ran into Mr. Tall and Fine the other day, and I am happy to report, he hasn't gotten any shorter!

Saturday, June 9, 2012


Yup.  You are.  So am I.  And so is everyone who is not doing what they really want to be doing to earn money and make a living.

Think about it, how does a prostitute spend her days?  She spends her days trolling the streets, looking for Johns to turn tricks with.  For money.  Now do you really think that's what she wants to be doing all day?  Hell no! She'd probably be thankful to get the job you're complaining about.  But that's not the point.  The point is, she's applying her efforts and her energy towards something she'd really rather not be doing. For money.  And so are you.

My goal in life is to stop turning tricks for these large corporations and become the Pimp in my own life.  However, as it stands right now, I'm the one being pimped.  I'm told when to show up and when I can leave.  I'm told when I can eat and for how long.  I'm told how to act, and if I act out, I get the pimp-hand-strong.  I'm told how much money out of my paycheck I get to keep.  I have to beg for days off.  If I go missing, my pimp will come looking for me.  And if I really piss my pimp off, he'll make sure no other pimps in the area will take me under their wing.

So you see, it is vital that I make the transition from being a prostitute who does it for money, to that more of a whore, who does it for fun!

Psycho By Design

Greetings dear readers and birdies!  My apologies for the extended absence.  I do believe my job is trying to kill me, and only recently have I been able to dig my way out from under all of the work and get back to you all!  We've got a lot of catching up to do, so strap in.

Like I said, I do believe my job is trying to kill me, but I'm not gonna let them.  The workload has increased to levels that are essentially unmanageable--for one person anyway.  What's worse is that my caretaker aka boss is particularly tightly wound these days.  If I didn't know better, I'd think he was on some of the best speed money can buy.

As I watch him zip-lining around the office, I can't help but feel sorry for him, because I'm pretty sure he wasn't born this way; he was created.  He was created out of the general insanity that is Corporate America.  It's hard to manage that many humans and that much data.  Pretty soon it all becomes a massive dragon, chasing its own tail, scorching itself in the process.

My biggest hope for myself and all of you, is to one day enter a career where I have control over what my hands, heart, and mind are doing, all day long.  When you don't, and if you aren't right now, you, me, and everyone else are essentially...