Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Don't Get Mad Now

Over the years, I have developed a particular disdain for Facebook.  I hate what it has become.  What used to be a pretty neat tool for keeping in touch with others, has now become a shameless forum for attention-whoring of all manner.

Part of this attention-whoring includes the announcement that a woman is going to have a baby.  What a special time this is!  Naturally she'd want her friends and family to know, as it would be weird to show up somewhere with a kid 10 months from now and nobody knew you were pregnant.  It's not so much the announcement of the pregnancy that's bothersome, it's the subsequent attention-whoring that follows the kid out of her vagina and throughout his whole life.

I have a friend on Facebook who is getting persnickety with people because she is now overdue.  Every day people post on her wall, "Feeling any contractions yet?  We're ready to meet the baby!"  In no uncertain terms she informed everybody today that she is indeed still pregnant and will continue to be as the baby seems quite comfortable.  People, including myself, posted encouraging messages, telling her to hang in there.

What I really wanted to post was Bitch, please don't get mad now that we are hounding you to produce the kid.  You took us through nine months of progression photos, sonograms, baby showers, baby names.........you practically informed us of the moment your husband busted inside of you--why are you mad now?  This has been one really long slow-ass movie, so YES, we are ready for you to show us the kid.  In fact, show us your placenta, too.  We want to see his little home for nine months.  After that, please post photos of his first shit.  I am bursting with anticipation.  I cannot wait to witness every waking moment of the next 18 years of his life unfold on my timeline.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I Don't

Walgreens has a commercial out right now that pretty much highlights all the reasons I don't see myself getting married.  It shows a married couple sitting at their breakfast table; husband is reading the paper, wife is sitting there being neurotic.

Husband goes to take a bite of his doughnut, then backs off.  Husband goes in again to take a bite when wife snatches it out of his hands, crumbles it into a million little pieces, and flings it across the table.  She then replaces his doughnut with some nasty little lo-cal diet drink.

Now see, that's that bullshit I'm always talking about.  That's his doughnut, his mouth, and his damn gut.  If he wants to continue to grow his belly to the size of a nine-month-pregnant woman, that's within his rights.  He doesn't need a wife/momager to tell him what to eat and when.  Now if he had slapped fire-hell out of her, everyone would have been mad.

For reasons like these, dear readers, I intend on remaining single as long as the law will allow.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Wrap-Around Curtains

I'm watching HGTV this evening, and a show comes on featuring this young couple touring a prospective homes.   When they get to the master bathroom, the wife notices that there is a shower curtain rod in place instead of a door or walk-in shower situation.  Snarkily, the woman says to the realtor, “Oh this will never work.  I hate shower curtains.  I always get all tangled up in them while I’m taking a shower.”

Bitch, what the hell are you doing in the shower that’s causing you to get tangled in the curtains?  Are you leaning on them with all your weight?  Are you twirling?  I've taken many a shower in my day, and never once have I gotten tangled in the curtains.  I could understand if she had said they seem gross or get moldy quickly, or even that she just likes the look of shower doors, but getting tangled?  What kind of fucking klutz are you?

And since we’re on the subject of HGTV, I've got a real gripe with most of their shows.  While I enjoy their programming on the whole, I’m really getting sick and tired of these spoiled, bratty, obnoxious, entitled homeowners.  “Ugh, I hate the way that window lines up with this door.”  Bitch, some people don’t have windows or doors anymore, because they washed into the Atlantic Ocean when Hurricane Sandy came through.  Or “Ugh, we had to spend another $20,000 on kitchen renovations because our contractor made a mistake.”  Slut, please be excited that you even have additional monies to spend on something as unnecessary as a new backsplash.  Some people in our society can barely make rent.  Stop complaining.  And stop getting tangled in the damn curtains!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

My 70 Year Old Boyfriend

By now, you all should know my love of and passion for planning ahead.  I will agree to almost anything, as long as I have 48-72 hours notice.  Same-day requests are basically guaranteed to get vetoed.

With this, I have already mapped out my elderly years.  I'm not sure if I'll be single or widowed by age 93, but I'm telling you this right now:  I'm gonna have me a 70 year old boyfriend.  Oh yes ma'am.  That fool is gonna be upright, agile, and might still be able to drive.  Hell, he might even still be working! Honey, I'm gonna be the talk of the nursing community.  They are ALL going to be jealous, and hate on my relationship with my young boyfriend who still has all of his teeth.

This is why it is so important to work hard to maintain your looks, ladies.  If that fool clocks out early and leaves you in your 80s or 90s all alone, what are you going to do?  Mope around for the remainder of your years?  No ma'am! Go out, get you a solid 76 year old and keep it movin.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year's Resolution

Happy New Year dear birdies and birdettes!  As we face another year on this planet together, the time has come for resolutions-- opportunities to make better choices for your life in the 365 days ahead.

My recommendation is to start with that miserable job of yours.  If getting fired from your job is actually a reasonable alternative, and is not the worst case scenario for your life at this present moment, it’s time to quit.  If you daydream about having more time to search for something new and applying for unemployment benefits while you wait, it’s time to quit.  Why drag in there for the next 52 weeks of your life to be unhappy?  For the money?  You know what that makes you

Let this be the year you no longer whore yourself out.  Take some steps everyday to shape your future.