Wednesday, August 5, 2015

The "Arch Your Back" Challenge

The world is slowly devolving right before our eyes and no one seems to be noticing.

The C students of the world have invented a new social media challenge called the "Arch Your Back" challenge.  If you've ever seen a stripper slide across the floor, or seen someone in the doggy style position, this is essentially what this is.  The goal is to create the deepest "arch" (which is really a dip, but C students wouldn't know that) with the ultimate goal of being, I dunno, I'm guessing a whore.

Idiots all over the country are now doing this and posting it on social media for likes.  I swear to God if I ever caught my daughter doing this I'd force her to stay in that position for no less than three hours.  While she's in it, I'm going to remove my shoes and rest my feet comfortably in the "arch" in her back, and watch one of my favorite television programs.  When she starts to cry, I'll remind her that these were her life choices, and she must find a way to come to terms with that which she has chosen.  By the time I let the little hooker up, she's be so stiff she'll be walking like a baboon.

I'm going to send her to school walking like a baboon, so again she can reflect on cause and effect, and how she managed to end up in that position.  Out here arching backs like you pay for something around here.  But what can I say, this is the end result of excessive breeding, in particular, the excessive breeding of C students worldwide.

C Students

The problem with the world is not the F students, or even the D students; it's those goddamn worthless, trifling, lazy, almost a loser but not quite, shiftless, mediocre, middle-of-the-road C students.

C students are a problem because they mimic B or even A students.  They can easily infiltrate an organization or your life, because they have learned to copy those just above them.  I respect the hell out of an F or D student, who essentially has said, "Fuck it."  At least they know who they are.  C students straddle the fence, and it makes life very confusing.

You know you've run across a C student based on their answers to basic questions.  Their responses are always generic, always neutral.  You:  "What is most important to you in life?"  C student:  "Living, laughing, and loving."  Shut the fuck up.  Can you come up with something a little more original?  You:  "What are your goals in life?"  C student:  "Just to be happy and be the best motherfatherfriendsistergirlfriendboyfriend I can be."  Lame, shortsighted, and insufficient.

This really is a learned behavior.  It started with essays in grade school and evolved into interview answers.  Interviewer:  "Tell me about yourself."  C student:  "I'm an excellent communicator with great customer service skills."  Kill yourself.  I'd hire an F student over you, any day.

C students hold the world back because they never choose a side.  "Well that's true for some but not for all."  Why, thank you, Confucius.  That was life-changing, earth shattering information.

Parents, if you find yourselves the proud owner of one of mediocrity's finest, please do us all a favor and just coach them down.  They'll be happier that the pressure is off, and society will benefit on the whole.  Better yet, if you were a C student, hows about not duplicating your borderline sorry life?

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

You Gon' Live

Last night I had the displeasure of meeting one of the most annoying human beings on planet earth.  This person was loud, invasive, and constant.  I really wanted to clip her in the throat, but decided it wasn't worth the energy expenditure.

At any rate, this woman at some point during the night, made the statement, "God's gonna strike me down if I keep it up hahaha...."  I thought to myself, "No hell he's not.  He is not trying to be bothered with you, any time soon.  Bitch you gon' live, and you gon' live LOOOONG."

After last night I realized that God probably allows the most irritating of us to live a long happy life here on Earth.  Why in the world would he call you home early so you can annoy him for all eternity?

Sunday, April 21, 2013

It Doesn't Matter

Stumbled across this little gem in a mailer that came to my house the other day.  This chick has a vice grip on this dude.  I was taken aback by the pose because typically men are the ones who wrap themselves completely around the woman's waist.  And even with that,  most people leave one hand free. This is a  photo of a woman who is holding on for dear life.   Unfortunately, Suga,  that death grip of yours ain't preventing a damn thing.   He and his penis are still gonna do what they wanna do.  And based on that locked and loaded hand positioning,  he'll be doing his own thing very soon.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Bitch Better Have My Money

I really try not to be a petty person.  Life is too short to hold onto grudges over insignificant things.

But I am truly bothered by a situation with one of my coworkers.  Last week she comes to me and says, "Hey Lucas?  Do you have a dollar?"  I wanted to say, "Why, yes.  Yes I do.  Do you?"  ya know, cause I hate it when people try to get in my pockets.  Well she continues, "I didn't eat lunch today and want to get something out of the vending machine."  Again, I wanted to say, "I'm having trouble seeing where I fit into this equation."  But I knew the little hooker was asking me for a dollar, so I gave it to her.

As she took the money she says "I'll pay you back."  I jokingly(?) responded "Oh I know you will, I know where you work!"  It was all smiles as she scurried to the vending machine and got her little bird food.  I continued on with my day, confident my dollar would be returned to me within 24 hours or so.  I've loaned out dollars before, and have always had them given back.

It has now been 9 days and this bitch hasn't given me my dollar back.  I have literally seen her everyday, and there's been no mention of it.  Bitch, did you blackout or something?  You don't recall asking me for money last week?  You're're just not going to give it back at all??  For real???

Folks, I have tried to forget my dollar, I really have.  I've told myself it's a charity write-off.  I've asked myself what Jesus would do.  I've tried to convince myself that that dollar would be long gone by now anyway.  None of this is working!  It was my dollar, you guilted me into giving it to you, and now you're not gonna give it back??

All I know is

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

I Did Her In The Butt

Time to change things up here at Things I Tell Monica.  By popular demand, I am now going to start including pictures in my posts.  Some of the photos will be samples from the internet, but most will be created by me.  I may even add photos to some older posts, so be sure to view the archives -------->

Let's start off our makeover with a recent issue faced by one of my male friends.  He calls me, somewhat upset, over a girl he's dating.  I asked him to describe the problem to me.  Long story short, he had sex with this girl in her butt, now she's not returning his phone calls.

"Well, did you do something to piss her off?" I asked.  "No, nothing!" was his response.  "Well, was it falling apart prior to you having sex with her butt??"  "No, not at all!  We were actually doing really well before that." "Hmmmm....okay....well.....did you enjoy it?"  "Hell yeah!  That shit was great.  I really wanted to do it again."


"You enjoyed it too much.  That's a turnoff to her.  Now she thinks you like butt sex."  "But it was her idea!  She initiated, not me.  I was just going along with it."  "Yeah but you weren't supposed to like it.  She could tell."

The call ended with my friend worried that he had ruined a good thing due to his affinity for passionate butt sex.  He probably has, but don't worry buddy, there are other fish in the sea.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I Don't Know Why I'm Single

Tonight I found myself watching My Strange Addiction on TLC.  It featured a single mother of two who loves to chew on and swallow dryer sheets.  Yes, dryer sheets.  I waited an entire hour for her loving, supportive husband or boyfriend to show up, but he never did.  And then I scolded myself for believing that he actually might.

The fuck was I thinking?

Bitch, you eat dryer sheets???  I think the bigger question here is, who in the hell got you pregnant?  Twice?  This means at some point a male figure was close enough to you to knock you up.  Soooo did you tell him about the dryer sheets before or after y'all had sex?  I'm gonna go ahead and assume it was after.  He wrapped up his seven minutes of thrusting and you pulled your box of Downy out from under the bed and went to town.  I would have paid good money to see his face.  Tell me, is it really fair to put a man on child support when he learns he impregnated a chick hooked on dryer sheets?  I'm leaning towards maybe not, but this is what I mean when I talk about making poor decisions with your dick.  Now and for the rest of your life, you're the guy who got the dryer-sheet girl pregnant.  Great job.

Now more than ever am I certain the aliens are getting closer.  Surely their spaceships are interfering with the magnetic field of the earth, because there truly is no other explanation for the random, weird, strange human beings on this planet.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Poor Decisions With Your Dick

Speaking of informed decisions, today I saw a man leaving the gas station who looks like he's made a multitude of poor decisions with his dick.  For all intents and purposes, he seems like a normal-enough guy, but that dick history looked questionable as hell.  He just had that look about him.  I could tell by the way he walked that he more than likely had pending children out there, and financial troubles as a result of said children.  God only knows what other choices he's made with his dick over the years.  For these reasons I rolled my window up and kept it moving.

Next time you're thinking about dating a man, ladies, take a step back and decide if this individual looks like he's made the best decisions with his dick.  It can be hard to tell at times, but it is usually fairly easy to detect.

Pending Children

Lately my friends and I have been running into men who are not owning up to all of their spawn.  We'll ask the fair question of how many kids they have, they'll tell us one or none, only to find out months later that they either just had a baby, or just found out about the existence of one.

To alleviate this unfortunate miscommunication, we now ask men how many children they have, and how many pending children they have.  Bitch, how many women are pregnant with a possible child of yours at this very moment?  How many DNA test results are you currently waiting on?  These are important questions because a lot of men seem to think that just because the kid isn't here yet or hasn't been confirmed, they don't technically count.  Well, yes bitch, they do.  And I need to know about all of them so I can make an informed decision.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Seriously, What Are You?

When we are kids, we are quickly taught what certain things are, so we don't question them, and so we're not afraid of them.  One of the first things we learn about are animals.  That's a cat, that's a dog, that's a bird, so forth and so on.

Had it not been for this indoctrination, we might have found ourselves saying, "What the fuck is that?" more often than not as we lived from year to year.

Well, I find myself saying, "What the fuck is that?" now, even though I know what you supposedly are.  Walk with me people...seriously, what the fuck is a giraffe?  Really take a step back and look at a giraffe.  What is it?  Are you a horse?

Then there's the platypus.  Have you ever seen a platypus?  It looks like a duck mated with a wolverine.  And yet, we point to it and say "There's a platypus" and everyone accepts it.

I'm not even going to get on Octopi.

All I'm saying is that if you weren't told these things as children, we'd be rather freaked out by the world around us.  Chew on that next time you look at a centipede.