I Don't Know Why I'm Single

Tonight I found myself watching My Strange Addiction on TLC.  It featured a single mother of two who loves to chew on and swallow dryer sheets.  Yes, dryer sheets.  I waited an entire hour for her loving, supportive husband or boyfriend to show up, but he never did.  And then I scolded myself for believing that he actually might.

The fuck was I thinking?

Bitch, you eat dryer sheets???  I think the bigger question here is, who in the hell got you pregnant?  Twice?  This means at some point a male figure was close enough to you to knock you up.  Soooo did you tell him about the dryer sheets before or after y'all had sex?  I'm gonna go ahead and assume it was after.  He wrapped up his seven minutes of thrusting and you pulled your box of Downy out from under the bed and went to town.  I would have paid good money to see his face.  Tell me, is it really fair to put a man on child support when he learns he impregnated a chick hooked on dryer sheets?  I'm leaning towards maybe not, but this is what I mean when I talk about making poor decisions with your dick.  Now and for the rest of your life, you're the guy who got the dryer-sheet girl pregnant.  Great job.

Now more than ever am I certain the aliens are getting closer.  Surely their spaceships are interfering with the magnetic field of the earth, because there truly is no other explanation for the random, weird, strange human beings on this planet.

Cut Before Dawn

I work with a girl who I am sure is slap-stone crazy.  Her outward appearance says one thing, but the inner workings of that mind are apparent, honey.  I'll pass by her desk often and hear her talking to herself.  A simple "Hello, how are you today?"  turns into a manifesto.  The chick is nuttier than a fruitcake.

But here's the kicker:  she's efficient as hell.  She gets her work done at lightning speed and has energy to spare.  She's there almost everyday, and sometimes works from sun-up to sun-down.  This in mind, she seems to me like the type of crazy bitch that would cut you in the morning, get her son ready for school, drop him off and show up to work on time.  Not a moment is wasted, even when it comes to slicing up your punk-ass.

This is why I keep my general distance from her.  I don't ever want to end up on her list of things-to-do.

Trapper Keepers

I have a coworker who can be described as none other than a Trapper Keeper.  If you are lucky enough to walk away or have the phone ring within the first minute of her story, you'll be okay for about 3 hours.  Until she strikes again.  However, if you make the mistake of letting the conversation run beyond one minute, you'll be trapped for the next 15.

I really wonder what makes a person think you have the free time to listen to 15 minutes of nonsense, twice a day, everyday.  Sometimes more.  That shit adds up over time, and before you know it, we're all behind.  Brevity is truly a lost art.

I try to avoid Trapper Keepers at all costs.  If I spot one in the grocery store, I'll duck off down an aisle and hide behind a display.  When I see them at work, I pretend someone called my name and make a hard left down a row of cubicles.  If, however, I become entangled with one of these people, all I can do is hope and pray some divine presence intercedes and frees me from the web.

London 2012

Ok so I lied.  I've been hopelessly glued to my television since the actual Olympics started.  USA is doing so well overall, and I've seen some of the finest creatures I've ever seen in my entire life!  These thangs look like Greco-Roman gods!  Where is the world have they been hiding?

But naturally, where there is beauty, there are ashes.  I've identified yet another sport where you clearly have issues to want to take part in.  Shot put?  Really?  You literally throw shit for fun.  And you spin around in a circle to do it.  How in the world does one ever discover they have a knack for this?  What kind of anger issues are you working through in order to generate the necessary force to hurl that heavy steel ball?  I'm just sayin, don't you find it to be just a little bit strange?

Strange as it may be, I'm actually enjoying it all.  These people are truly talented, and should be an inspiration for us all to get up off our lazy asses!

There's Always A Bitch

This is probably bad timing, but I'm going to write about it anyway.

First, I'd like to apologize to my readers for the absence.  I told you already my job is trying to kill me, I think you think I'm joking.  I see alot of you have been visiting, and I thank you for checking in!

So I'm watching the news here and this man is on trial for attempting to murder his attorney wife.  The reason?  He was living a double life and needed to rid himself of his wife so he could pursue his new life with this bitch.

So, why do I say there's always a bitch?  Because there always is! Watch any episode of Snapped where the man tries or succeeds in killing the woman.  99% of the time it's because he's having an affair and needs to be freed of the ol' ball and chain.  99% of the time.   All I've got to say about that, is that mistress must have some goooooooooood pu$$y!  Any woman who can make a man kill is working with something and should be hosting classes at the local university.  

But aside from that, why do people think they can actually get away with this?  It like....doesn't fit into 2012. We have iPads now for god's sake, why are we still killing people?  Haven't we come a litter  further?  I believe it's a combination of a strong lack of checking in, poor breeding, and people who are just plain crazy.  We gotta pray yall.

The Olympic Trials

So the Olympic Trials are on and, much like the Super Bowl, I'm not particularly glued to my television.  I hear there's some real talent out there this year though, and I just might tune in for the gymnastics.

I did manage to catch a few track and field events, and aside from the javelin which looks like a massive spear of death just waiting to land in somebody's temple, I became intrigued by the sprinters and runners.  These men and women are nothing but muscle and speed.

It made me realize that anyone who can run that fast, who desires to run that fast, and who practices running that fast, regularly, has issues.  Think of the amount of pending energy inside a person like this..  They have got to get that shit out of their system somehow honey, and tonight it might be on your face, or worse.

Would you really want to date a man who can run that fast?  Surely there are some scenarios where this would not be beneficial..... I suppose maybe they date each other because who else would really understand?

You Don't Grow Out Of Crazy

I have a friend who is really going through it with a coworker of hers.  The woman is basically a ranting, raving lunatic who is functional enough to hold a steady job and manage day to day life.

My friend is puzzled at this woman's behavior because of her age.  "She's 49 years old for god's sake! When is she ever gonna grow up?"  It was then that I had to clue my friend in on one of life's many lessons and said, "Sweetheart, you don't grow out of crazy."

And you don't.  If anything, you grow into it.  As a people get older, they gain more freedom to be just as crazy as they want to be.  Who's gonna stop you from being crazy in the privacy of your own home?  Exactly.

So, if you find yourself in a situation with a person whom you suspect to be crazy, and it doesn't seem to be improving, please know that it's not going to, and you might as well get out while you can!

Don't Argue With Crazy People

When I was growing up, my mother always used to tell me, "Sweetheart, don't argue with stupid people.  It is a waste of time and energy."

Momma was right!  Now that I'm older and have experienced a little more, I'd like to put a twist on my mom's philosophy and state that one should not engage in an argument with crazy people, either.  

I have a friend who's a card carrying accidental racist.  The only reason I'm going to give her a pass is because she has been completely brainwashed by her political party.  It is a sad sight to see, too.  Complete and total programming of the human mind.

At any rate, this programming has, in essence, made her insane.  On and on she will rant about political issues, hours if you let her! As I sit there and listen to her spout off, the natural inclination is to respond and correct.  But...why?  All it's going to do is send that mind spiraling even further down the rabbit hole, thus making her crazier.  Truly, it is a useless endeavor.  Plus, my points are not going to be heard anyway.  That delusional little mind is too busy thinking up the next round of 'talking points' to fire off at me.

So I just let her go until she tires, and when she asks me if I understand I say with a smile, "Oh I understand, I just don't agree."  I literally see smoke come from her ears.  It is awesome.   

Politics

There was a point in time when I was very passionate about politics.  I would allow myself to get all riled up and uptight about the goings-ons in the world.

Not anymore.

If you haven't figured it out already, both world and national politics are farkakte, and we are all essentially fucked.  


We are fucked because the world leaders are basically a bunch of adult-sized teenagers, hell-bent on having their own way.  Cooperation and negotiation might as well be four-letter-words.  Not only are our leaders immature, they are also insane.  This is not a winning combination.  Much like the religious freaks who bitch about what kind of exercise you participate in and what kind of clothes you wear, our political leaders don't even deserve a bird classification.  If we all had good sense, we would fire every last one of them and bring in some fresh blood.  And just to be clear, I want everyone from EVERY party fired.  They have all lost their minds.

I admire the people who have participated and continue to participate in movements like 'Occupy Wall Street.'  While other people call them "radical" and "hippies," I call them change-makers.  All change that has taken place in this world was brought about by people like them.  Go team, go, and don't let anyone deter you.

People Who Tell Me Things More Than Once

I must be in a pissy mood today, because all I can think about are people who annoy me.  I would like to introduce you to another type of rare bird, and they are people who tell me things more than once.

Now, I'm not talking in terms of reminders, or you simply forgot that you already told me something.  I'm talking about people, who look me in my eyes with all sincerity and tell me a story that they've already told me before.  This behavior occurs over the phone as well.  I mean, they will literally go from beginning to end, as if it's my first time hearing it.  And they're completely serious.  And they're not good stories, either.  They're crappy stories.

What qualifies these people as rare birds is the fact that that mechanism in your brain that tells most normal people, "Hey! Jackass! You've told them this already!" is either off or malfunctioning.  It also gives me a clue to just how insane and/or self-absorbed you really are.  Ironically, these people are also the ones who tend to talk my ear off and make me wanna kill myself.  It's almost like they have a record stuck on replay in their heads, and they'll hash and rehash the same stories over and over again to anyone crazy enough to listen.  I guess this is what happens when you check in with someone with an unchecked mind.

The Unchecked Mind

Let's kick start this blog with one of my favorite theories: The Unchecked Mind.  I think one of the biggest problems we have in the world today is the problem of the unchecked mind.  There are far too many people walking around on planet earth, whose minds are not being properly checked on.  What I mean by this is, no one is ever stopping to ask these babies, "How ya doin?"  "Whatcha been thinking about lately?" "Whatcha been thinking about doing?"  "Who ya been thinking about killing?"

TV shows like 'Snapped' prove this to us.  I recently saw an episode where this 19 year old girl's line of reasoning really was:  "Well, if I kill my mom, then I can clean it up and wait for my dad to get home, then I'll kill him too, then I'll go to school tomorrow and I'll kill Carlos."

Hmmm......see, if someone had been checking in with this baby, perhaps they could have redirected her thought process towards something more productive.  Something less murderous.  Luckily (?), she only was successful in killing her mom.

Now I'm not trying to make light of the fact that someone's life has been lost.  I'm trying to bring light to the fact that this little fool was somewhere thinking about this shit, and no one knew.  Probably wrote her off as a "normal kid" who didn't get in trouble, so no one checked in on her, and wham- we've got a body.  You're probably thinking of numerous other examples of people who, if someone had just asked, may not have done what they did.  All it takes sometimes is a little redirection and a look on a friend's face that reads, "What the Fuck!?" to snap someone out of it instead of having them snap on your ass.

So the moral of this very first blog post is: Check in with people.  Doesn't matter who it is, check in.  Ask them how they're doing and what they've been thinking about lately.  You just might save a life.