Trying To Cheat

Ya know, it really annoys me when people try to do dirt, and aren't even good at or confident in their ability to pull it off.  Lately, my friends and I have run into a lot of wannabe cheaters.  Men in committed relationships who are doing the relationship equivalent of sticking their toe in the water to see how cold it is.

It's hilarious to watch, really, because you can see the guilt all over their face as they attempt to arrange a cheat.  That guilt has that face all twisted up, and makes them move in awkward and uncomfortable ways.  Their speech becomes choppy and they seem to scold themselves right after the words slip out of their mouths.  It's the funniest thing ever.

One of my close friends met a guy recently who confessed to having a pair of lips tattooed on his chest.  LIPS people!  Come to find out, he's actually married, and is out here trying to cheat on somebody.  Boy sit down, you have lips on your chest!  How are you out here trying to cheat on somebody with lips on your chest?

Then there was an experience I had of my own.  I ran into an old classmate that I hadn't seen since high school.  He and I exchanged numbers and really just caught up over the phone.  Well, after a pleasant conversation, I got a text message about 30 minutes later from him.......with his shirt off.

Really guy?  To make matters worse, about a week later he changed his relationship status to 'engaged' and posted pics of he and his fiancee's engagement photos!?  I said, "Look at this asshole out here trying to cheat."  And not even any good at it.  What if I had accidentally hit 'share' on that delightful little photo you sent me?  Then what?

Just lousy.

"Beating The Pu**y Up" As A Form Of Domestic Assault

Quite a few of you should be pressing charges when you get up off of your backs.

The reason is because a lot of your men are using your va-jay-jays as personal punching bags.  They can't punch you, so they punch your pu**y!  And they know this is a completely legitimate form of aggression!

Think about it.  If we really sat down and had a heart to heart, you'd be forced to admit that there were times you wondered if that fool was dealing with a full deck.  That there were times he was doing way too much, and that your moans had turned into murmurs--of pain.  But you lied to yourself and told yourself  "he's just passionate" or "he's so turned on he can't help it" or "he's such a great lover!"  No honey, he's violent, and he just let it out on your crotch.

Many women find this behavior cute!  "Oooh he beat it up, girl," or "Yeah, he tore it up!"  You sound silly, and there's nothing cute about having your uterus knocked out of alignment.  Get your life together, and stop allowing your lady parts to be abused!

Gettin' Ugly

As much as I talk about creatures that happen to be tall and fine, today I decided that I am going to seek out and marry an ugly man.

The reason is because I simply could not trust a fine man to walk around unattended, day in and day out.  Fine is fine, and you're fooling yourself if you think that nobody else sees that.  They see it.  And they want it.

Some women are ruthless and shameless in their pursuit of men, married or otherwise.  Why should I have to contend with that?  True enough, it's his responsibility to maintain the faithfulness of his dick, but c'mon...Some women might as well be sirens.

With that said, I'm going to look for a man that is remarkably unattractive to date and marry.  Perhaps our looks will balance out and produce a fairly decent looking kid.  Most important though, is that 9 out of 10 women would reject him.  Kirstie Alley recently announced the same thing, and I think she might be on to something!

Competing For Dick (You Are Not The Prize)

I feel really sorry for single women in today's dating market.  Truly, there are slim pickings.  If the men aren't busy wearing dread wigs, sending dick pics, or taking shirtless photos, they're highly eligible, and therefore, scarce.

With this scarcity comes competition, and it has created a whole host of highly feminized men.  Feminized in the sense that they want to be pampered, catered to, coddled, chased, and essentially, courted.  

With all due respect, Bitch, you are not the prize.

I absolutely refuse to compete for dick.  Why should I? I am the prize, not you.  You should be competing for me, the way nature intended.  If more women would adopt this philosophy, their lives would be ten times happier.  Instead, they enter into these petty little competitions with each other while this fool sits back and reaps all the benefits.  Damn that.  

Ladies, the next time you find yourselves in a situation like this, kindly look at your competitor and say, "You got it" and walk away.  That'll knock that ego down a few notches.