I Did Her In The Butt

Time to change things up here at Things I Tell Monica.  By popular demand, I am now going to start including pictures in my posts.  Some of the photos will be samples from the internet, but most will be created by me.  I may even add photos to some older posts, so be sure to view the archives -------->

Let's start off our makeover with a recent issue faced by one of my male friends.  He calls me, somewhat upset, over a girl he's dating.  I asked him to describe the problem to me.  Long story short, he had sex with this girl in her butt, now she's not returning his phone calls.

"Well, did you do something to piss her off?" I asked.  "No, nothing!" was his response.  "Well, was it falling apart prior to you having sex with her butt??"  "No, not at all!  We were actually doing really well before that." "Hmmmm....okay....well.....did you enjoy it?"  "Hell yeah!  That shit was great.  I really wanted to do it again."

Bingo.

"You enjoyed it too much.  That's a turnoff to her.  Now she thinks you like butt sex."  "But it was her idea!  She initiated, not me.  I was just going along with it."  "Yeah but you weren't supposed to like it.  She could tell."

The call ended with my friend worried that he had ruined a good thing due to his affinity for passionate butt sex.  He probably has, but don't worry buddy, there are other fish in the sea.

The Seven Year Rule

They say the human body's skin cells completely replace themselves once every seven years or so.  This means that by the end of this time frame, you are essentially a completely new you.  For me, this means that if I slept with you seven years or longer ago, the shit never happened.  My vagina has been completely renovated, and there is no longer any trace of you or the seven minutes of sex we may have had.  I am so serious about this rule that I am pretty sure I could pass a lie detector test if questioned.

So, that questionable encounter from the 90s?  Gone.  That ex you wish you'd never met in the first place?  History.  That wild weekend  in Vegas?  Non-existent.  As long as it was 2006 or prior.

Double Update! Sex's Got You Broke & There's Always A Bitch

I am pleased to bring you all a dual update fresh out of our nation's capital.

When I first heard the news about General Petraeus' resignation, my initial and immediate response was, "There's definitely a bitch involved, somewhere."  Before the hour was over, the news was already reporting on the alleged affair with his biographer.  This has set off a chain of investigations and probes into this man's personal and private life, and on top of all that, he's out of a job.

Broke.  Broke Phi Damn Broke.  Now I'm sure he has money stored away and trust funds and other sources of income, but you're missing the point.  His primary source of income and his pride were stripped from him, all over some lil' funky-ass, tired, bland, 7-minute sex!

We addressed both of these issues in Sex's Got You Broke and There's Always a Bitch.  Perhaps if he had read them, he wouldn't be in the mess he's in today.

Dear readers, please do not allow yourselves to be out here going broke behind some damn sex!

Lucas After Dark: That's A Whole Lotta Fuckin'

Have you ever looked out across a crowded stadium and considered just how much fuckin' went into producing all those human beings?  I mean, really stop and think about it.  Every single person you see in those stands is the result of some tired ass lil' fuckin'.

This is truly mind-boggling if you take the time to give it some serious thought.  Sex created all of these people, and I guarantee you most of it wasn't gratifying.  The sheer number of people on this earth makes it seem like human beings don't do anything else with their free time.  And we have the nerve to criticize rabbits.  Ha!

Someone Worth Reproducing

The other day a good friend of mine asked me "So when are you going to have kids?  You aren't getting any younger you know."  I laughed and calmly replied, "When I find somebody worth reproducing."  "Yeah I know what you mean, it's hard to find someone worth having kids with" she said.  "Oh honey, you misunderstood me.  I didn't say anything about 'with.'  I said when I find somebody worth reproducing, period."

Baffled on the other end of the phone, I explained to my friend that I will have children when I meet a man who is worth bringing to planet earth once more.  He needs to be such a great person that the world could benefit from him being here again.  And if he comes back in the form of a female, at least she'll possess his traits, which the world could use more of.

I think if more women thought this way, we'd have a lower population of idiots.  Instead, women carelessly reproduce children from men whose legacies really should end with them. So the next time you're thinking of "hooking up" with someone all wild and free, ask yourself if this person really needs to be here again.  I bet you'll reconsider.

Sex's Got You Broke

For those of you not native to the southern region of America, this title reads:  Sex Has Got You Broke.  And it has.

One shining example is Mr. Chad Ochocinco, who was recently arrested and released on bond for headbutting his new wife, Evelyn "I'm About That Life" Lozada.  Great.  And why did he headbutt her?  Because they were arguing over a receipt she found for a freshly purchased box of condoms.  Not only was he arrested and is now facing charges, he was dropped from the Miami Dolphins this morning AND had his reality show with Evelyn put on an indefinite hiatus.

I remember a moment during this season of Basketball Wives, when Chad told Evelyn, "I'm only marrying you cause you got good pu$$y.  It ain't cause you're cute."  Evelyn laughed it off and I'm sure dismissed it as Chad being Chad.  But no, he was serious, and he meant every word he said.  And now look at yourself.  Chasing around after some damn sex has got you broke.  If not broke, it has certainly terminated some income streams for you.  I hope that shit was worth it, and I hope you invested the money you did make, well!

Let's explore the issue a little further though.  How else can sex get you broke?  Let's take a trip to the grocery store to find out the answer.  You're standing at checkout along with three little bad ass children, running around the displays, knocking shit over, bobbing and weaving around your cart.  You look at their momma and she doesn't exactly look like she's banking.  On top of that, she looks exhausted.  And for what?  All for some lil' funky ass sex.  Sex got her in the predicament she's in today.  Married or not married, sex is what ultimately has her in this position.  Now she'll be broke x3, perhaps for the rest of her life!  Naturally, the same applies to males who simply must raw-dog it with every woman they meet, and therefore, have 4 kids by 3 different women.  Their pockets will be turned inside out from here till kingdom come.

How else can sex get you broke?  It can get you broke when that happy little marriage of yours gets ruined and dragged through divorce court all because you couldn't keep your peter in your pan.  Now you've got lawyer fees, assets to divide up, rent to pay in two places, so forth and so on.  All because of some lil' dry ass, insufficient sex.  Are we starting to get the picture here?

So we're losing jobs, spreading our money thin, going to divorce court and sometimes jail, all for some sex?  Dayum.  As a society, don't you think this is a little pathetic?  That something that really only lasts about 7 minutes dictates our lives to the point where it affects us financially?  That's just tragic.

"Beating The Pu**y Up" As A Form Of Domestic Assault

Quite a few of you should be pressing charges when you get up off of your backs.

The reason is because a lot of your men are using your va-jay-jays as personal punching bags.  They can't punch you, so they punch your pu**y!  And they know this is a completely legitimate form of aggression!

Think about it.  If we really sat down and had a heart to heart, you'd be forced to admit that there were times you wondered if that fool was dealing with a full deck.  That there were times he was doing way too much, and that your moans had turned into murmurs--of pain.  But you lied to yourself and told yourself  "he's just passionate" or "he's so turned on he can't help it" or "he's such a great lover!"  No honey, he's violent, and he just let it out on your crotch.

Many women find this behavior cute!  "Oooh he beat it up, girl," or "Yeah, he tore it up!"  You sound silly, and there's nothing cute about having your uterus knocked out of alignment.  Get your life together, and stop allowing your lady parts to be abused!

7 Minutes of Sex

One of my favorite things to do when I go out is analyze couples from afar.  I can usually tell how new or old a relationship is, and how long it will generally last.

I can also tell how long that funky little sex will last, honey.  Ironically, the couples who hang all over each other in public places are the ones who go home and serve up 7 minutes of some of the most tired, little funky ass sex you will ever witness.  Think Kim and Ray-J.

On the other hand, those couples that seem to have a quiet chemistry, an understanding, good conversation and lots of laughter, are the ones who are going home making us all jealous.

So, the next time you're out in public and some couple is slobbing each other down, don't fret, cause if she's lucky, she's about to get 7 minutes of tired thrusting, then he's going to sleep on her.  

Abundance Of The Heart (It's Just Skin)

There is a verse in the Bible that states, "For Out of the Abundance of the Heart, The Mouth Speaketh."

Yeaaaah, yall didn't think I read the Bible, did you?  I do!

Anyway, to me, this passage means that what we allow to come out of our mouths is nothing more than an overflow of what is going on in our hearts and minds.  The mouth acts as a filter.

This should scare the piss out of everyone.  Think about the things people have allowed themselves to say to you.  If this is what they're allowing to come out, what on earth are they not allowing to come out?

A perfect example would be the time that a gentleman and I were discussing sex.  He went into lewd detail about the things that he's into, to which I replied, "That's gross."  Wanna know what his reply was to me?  He told me, "It's just skin."

Hmmm.

It's just skin, huh?  See, now I'm starting to wonder about you.  I'm starting to wonder what happy trail you followed to arrive at that conclusion.  And again, if this is what made the cut and was allowed to pass through that beak of yours, I really do wonder what else is going on inside of your head.  Needless to say, I distanced myself from this character, because you clearly have no limits.

What Else Can You Do?

Nothing makes me laugh quite as hard as when a man comes up to me and says, "Baby, I can put it on you.  I can give you what you need.  I got that good dick."  

Please, spare me.

In the past, once I finished laughing in their faces, I realized I didn't have a witty comeback other than 'Get the fuck outta here.'  Then, the following phrase and life philosophy was born:

"Sweetheart, with all due respect, I've had good dick, and I've had bad dick.  Therefore, I've had every kind of dick there is in between by default.  I already know what you're working with.  That being said, what else can you do?"

This simple phrase and subsequent question usually leaves them speechless and they walk away. Perfect.  But seriously, what else can you do?  Can you change my flat tire and put oil in my car?  Do you know the difference between a phillips-head and a flat-head screwdriver?  Can you slice a whole watermelon?  Can you fix my computer?  How about install a shower rod, can you do that?  Can you put together a functionally and grammatically correct sentence? Can you mow a lawn without streaks?  I'm just sayin, what else can you offer me other than that lotus flower you call a dick?

Too many men lean on their sexual prowess to impress women, and to say the least honey, I am a little less than impressed.

Picturing You On Top Of Me

I'm really going to do my best to explain this without losing yall.  This post is directed mainly towards the good guys who can't seem to get the women they want.

A man can have a whole lot of things going for himself.  He can have a good job, a functional automobile, a home or apartment, good credit, no criminal background, reasonable height, so forth and so on.

These men put in sincere effort to pursue decent women they think would make good wives.  These men experience distress, however, when these same women turn them down.  They think they've done everything right.  You will usually hear these men saying things like "You women don't want a good man." or "Yall want a man to dog you out." or "Nice guys finish last."  I'm here to break the sad news to you that none of the aforementioned statements are true.  The simple truth, fellas, is that she simply cannot picture you on top of her.

For whatever reason, she can't picture you pumping and thrusting her, now or ever.  She can't picture your facial expressions.  She can't picture your grunts and groans.  It probably turns her stomach a little bit.

Now, some people will argue with me that sex isn't or shouldn't be the most important thing, but if we're two single people who are hitting it off and really seem to be compatible, like it or not, eventually it will lead to sex, and everyone knows that good sex is extremely important in a relationship.

If the thought of you on top of her makes her flesh crawl and makes her uterus want to retract into her lower intestines, it's never going to happen for you.  I'm sorry, but this is just reality.  Those 'bad boys' you see her with gave her great mental imagery, and that's why she's with him.

Look at you, you learned something today!  And just to be clear, she can't picture you behind her, either.

Poor Breeding

Now, I've proposed the following theory to Monica many times, and I think only recently is she finally starting to believe me.

We have a high population of strange, rare little birds on this earth because of the high frequency of poor breeding amongst humans.  People back in the day used to care about quality.  They used to hand-pick their children's mates, and they would base it off of various characteristics such as wealth & stability, family history, HEIGHT, strength, and numerous other factors.  Some people even went so far as to keep it in the family to ensure quality control.

Nowadays, we breed with just anyone.  We'll allow just any old sperm to fertilize just any old egg, and what do we get when that happens?  That's right kids! Rare damn birds.  You don't see championship, prize-winning dogs mating with mutts, do you?  They won't even cross-breed with other championship dogs unless they're purposely trying to create a new breed.  They are concerned about Pedigree.  When did we stop caring about pedigree?  We need to start concerning ourselves about pedigree again because....