tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35132812516204245672021-12-01T00:39:26.706-08:00Things I Tell MonicaLucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.comBlogger153125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-29743188353125032362015-08-05T15:19:00.000-07:002015-08-05T15:19:03.833-07:00The "Arch Your Back" ChallengeThe world is slowly devolving right before our eyes and no one seems to be noticing. <br />
<br />
The C students of the world have invented a new social media challenge called the "Arch Your Back" challenge. If you've ever seen a stripper slide across the floor, or seen someone in the doggy style position, this is essentially what this is. The goal is to create the deepest "arch" (which is really a dip, but C students wouldn't know that) with the ultimate goal of being, I dunno, I'm guessing a whore.<br />
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Idiots all over the country are now doing this and posting it on social media for likes. I swear to God if I ever caught my daughter doing this I'd force her to stay in that position for no less than three hours. While she's in it, I'm going to remove my shoes and rest my feet comfortably in the "arch" in her back, and watch one of my favorite television programs. When she starts to cry, I'll remind her that these were her life choices, and she must find a way to come to terms with that which she has chosen. By the time I let the little hooker up, she's be so stiff she'll be walking like a baboon. <br />
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I'm going to send her to school walking like a baboon, so again she can reflect on cause and effect, and how she managed to end up in that position. Out here arching backs like you pay for something around here. But what can I say, this is the end result of excessive breeding, in particular, the excessive breeding of C students worldwide. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-4506704109223183222015-08-05T15:07:00.001-07:002015-08-05T15:07:35.856-07:00C StudentsThe problem with the world is not the F students, or even the D students; it's those goddamn worthless, trifling, lazy, almost a loser but not quite, shiftless, mediocre, middle-of-the-road C students. <br />
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C students are a problem because they mimic B or even A students. They can easily infiltrate an organization or your life, because they have learned to copy those just above them. I respect the hell out of an F or D student, who essentially has said, "Fuck it." At least they know who they are. C students straddle the fence, and it makes life very confusing.<br />
<br />
You know you've run across a C student based on their answers to basic questions. Their responses are always generic, always neutral. You: "What is most important to you in life?" C student: "Living, laughing, and loving." Shut the fuck up. Can you come up with something a little more original? You: "What are your goals in life?" C student: "Just to be happy and be the best motherfatherfriendsistergirlfriendboyfriend I can be." Lame, shortsighted, and insufficient. <br />
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This really is a learned behavior. It started with essays in grade school and evolved into interview answers. Interviewer: "Tell me about yourself." C student: "I'm an excellent communicator with great customer service skills." Kill yourself. I'd hire an F student over you, any day.<br />
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C students hold the world back because they never choose a side. "Well that's true for some but not for all." Why, thank you, Confucius. That was life-changing, earth shattering information. <br />
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Parents, if you find yourselves the proud owner of one of mediocrity's finest, please do us all a favor and just coach them down. They'll be happier that the pressure is off, and society will benefit on the whole. Better yet, if you were a C student, hows about not duplicating your borderline sorry life? Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-47112900641125339572013-08-28T06:35:00.001-07:002013-08-28T06:35:57.768-07:00You Gon' LiveLast night I had the displeasure of meeting one of the most annoying human beings on planet earth. This person was loud, invasive, and constant. I really wanted to clip her in the throat, but decided it wasn't worth the energy expenditure. <br />
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At any rate, this woman at some point during the night, made the statement, "God's gonna strike me down if I keep it up hahaha...." I thought to myself, "No hell he's not. He is not trying to be bothered with you, any time soon. Bitch you gon' live, and you gon' live LOOOONG."<br />
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After last night I realized that God probably allows the most irritating of us to live a long happy life here on Earth. Why in the world would he call you home early so you can annoy him for all eternity?Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-8879453159181178792013-04-21T19:02:00.002-07:002013-04-21T19:04:20.612-07:00It Doesn't Matter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Stumbled across this little gem in a mailer that came to my house the other day. This chick has a vice grip on this dude. I was taken aback by the pose because typically men are the ones who wrap themselves completely around the woman's waist. And even with that, most people leave one hand free. This is a photo of a woman who is holding on for dear life. Unfortunately, Suga, that death grip of yours ain't preventing a damn thing. He and his penis are still gonna do what they wanna do. And based on that locked and loaded hand positioning, he'll be doing his own thing very soon.</div>
Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-47969849176574610522013-04-11T01:08:00.001-07:002013-04-11T01:08:52.013-07:00Bitch Better Have My MoneyI really try not to be a petty person. Life is too short to hold onto grudges over insignificant things. <br />
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But I am truly bothered by a situation with one of my coworkers. Last week she comes to me and says, "Hey Lucas? Do you have a dollar?" I wanted to say, "Why, yes. Yes I do. Do you?" ya know, cause I hate it when people try to get in my pockets. Well she continues, "I didn't eat lunch today and want to get something out of the vending machine." Again, I wanted to say, "I'm having trouble seeing where <i>I</i> fit into this equation." But I knew the little hooker was asking me for a dollar, so I gave it to her. <br />
<br />
As she took the money she says "I'll pay you back." I jokingly(?) responded "Oh I know you will, I know where you work!" It was all smiles as she scurried to the vending machine and got her little bird food. I continued on with my day, confident my dollar would be returned to me within 24 hours or so. I've loaned out dollars before, and have always had them given back.<br />
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It has now been 9 days and this bitch hasn't given me my dollar back. I have literally seen her everyday, and there's been no mention of it. Bitch, did you blackout or something? You don't recall asking me for money last week? You're just.....you're just not going to give it back at all?? For real???<br />
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Folks, I have tried to forget my dollar, I really have. I've told myself it's a charity write-off. I've asked myself what Jesus would do. I've tried to convince myself that that dollar would be long gone by now anyway. None of this is working! It was my dollar, you guilted me into giving it to you, and now you're not gonna give it back??<br />
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All I know is<br />
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Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-38526716874603357842013-04-09T15:32:00.001-07:002013-04-11T01:20:10.155-07:00I Did Her In The ButtTime to change things up here at Things I Tell Monica. By popular demand, I am now going to start including pictures in my posts. Some of the photos will be samples from the internet, but most will be created by me. I may even add photos to some older posts, so be sure to view the archives --------><br />
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Let's start off our makeover with a recent issue faced by one of my male friends. He calls me, somewhat upset, over a girl he's dating. I asked him to describe the problem to me. Long story short, he had sex with this girl in her butt, now she's not returning his phone calls.<br />
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"Well, did you do something to piss her off?" I asked. "No, nothing!" was his response. "Well, was it falling apart <i>prior </i>to you having sex with her butt??" "No, not at all! We were actually doing really well before that." "Hmmmm....okay....well.....did you enjoy it?" "Hell yeah! That shit was great. I really wanted to do it again."<br />
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Bingo.<br />
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"You enjoyed it too much. That's a turnoff to her. Now she thinks you like butt sex." "But it was her idea! She initiated, not me. I was just going along with it." "Yeah but you weren't supposed to like it. She could tell."<br />
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The call ended with my friend worried that he had ruined a good thing due to his affinity for passionate butt sex. He probably has, but don't worry buddy, there are other fish in the sea. <br />
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<br />Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-62595634873343238092013-03-13T21:54:00.003-07:002013-03-13T21:56:41.565-07:00I Don't Know Why I'm SingleTonight I found myself watching <i>My Strange Addiction</i> on TLC. It featured a single mother of two who loves to chew on and swallow dryer sheets. Yes, dryer sheets. I waited an entire hour for her loving, supportive husband or boyfriend to show up, but he never did. And then I scolded myself for believing that he actually might. <br />
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The fuck was I thinking? <br />
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Bitch, you eat dryer sheets??? I think the bigger question here is, who in the hell got you pregnant? Twice? This means at some point a male figure was close enough to you to knock you up. Soooo did you tell him about the dryer sheets before or after y'all had sex? I'm gonna go ahead and assume it was after. He wrapped up his <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/02/7-minutes-of-sex.html">seven minutes</a> of thrusting and you pulled your box of Downy out from under the bed and went to town. I would have paid good money to see his face. Tell me, is it really fair to put a man on child support when he learns he impregnated a chick hooked on dryer sheets? I'm leaning towards maybe not, but this is what I mean when I talk about making <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2013/03/poor-decisions-with-your-dick.html">poor decisions with your dick</a>. Now and for the rest of your life, you're the guy who got the dryer-sheet girl pregnant. Great job.<br />
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Now more than ever am I certain the aliens are getting closer. Surely their spaceships are interfering with the magnetic field of the earth, because there truly is no other explanation for the random, weird, strange human beings on this planet. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-4928967681862283392013-03-02T12:28:00.000-08:002013-03-08T17:19:21.429-08:00Poor Decisions With Your DickSpeaking of informed decisions, today I saw a man leaving the gas station who looks like he's made a multitude of poor decisions with his dick. For all intents and purposes, he seems like a normal-enough guy, but that dick history looked questionable as hell. He just had that look about him. I could tell by the way he walked that he more than likely had <a href="http://www.thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2013/03/pending-children.html">pending children</a> out there, and <a href="http://www.thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/08/sexs-got-you-broke.html">financial troubles</a> as a result of said children. God only knows what other choices he's made with his dick over the years. For these reasons I rolled my window up and kept it moving.<br />
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Next time you're thinking about dating a man, ladies, take a step back and decide if this individual looks like he's made the best decisions with his dick. It can be hard to tell at times, but it is usually fairly easy to detect. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-28116308441974194402013-03-02T12:17:00.001-08:002013-03-02T12:17:12.845-08:00Pending ChildrenLately my friends and I have been running into men who are not owning up to all of their spawn. We'll ask the fair question of how many kids they have, they'll tell us one or none, only to find out months later that they either just had a baby, or just found out about the existence of one.<br />
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To alleviate this unfortunate miscommunication, we now ask men how many children they have, and how many <i>pending</i> children they have. Bitch, how many women are pregnant with a possible child of yours at this very moment? How many DNA test results are you currently waiting on? These are important questions because a lot of men seem to think that just because the kid isn't here yet or hasn't been confirmed, they don't technically count. Well, yes bitch, they do. And I need to know about all of them so I can make an informed decision. <br />
<br />Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-17866448759166503982013-02-19T20:08:00.000-08:002013-02-19T20:08:52.079-08:00Seriously, What Are You?When we are kids, we are quickly taught what certain things are, so we don't question them, and so we're not afraid of them. One of the first things we learn about are animals. That's a cat, that's a dog, that's a bird, so forth and so on. <br />
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Had it not been for this indoctrination, we might have found ourselves saying, "What the fuck is that?" more often than not as we lived from year to year. <br />
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Well, I find myself saying, "What the fuck is that?" now, even though I know what you supposedly are. Walk with me people...seriously, what the fuck is a giraffe? Really take a step back and look at a giraffe. What is it? Are you a horse? <br />
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Then there's the platypus. Have you ever seen a platypus? It looks like a duck mated with a wolverine. And yet, we point to it and say "There's a platypus" and everyone accepts it. <br />
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I'm not even going to get on Octopi.<br />
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All I'm saying is that if you weren't told these things as children, we'd be rather freaked out by the world around us. Chew on that next time you look at a centipede. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-59223690595571111962013-02-13T16:58:00.000-08:002013-02-13T22:15:22.432-08:00Cut Before DawnI work with a girl who I am sure is slap-stone crazy. Her outward appearance says one thing, but the inner workings of that mind are apparent, honey. I'll pass by her desk often and hear her talking to herself. A simple "Hello, how are you today?" turns into a manifesto. The chick is nuttier than a fruitcake. <br />
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But here's the kicker: she's efficient as hell. She gets her work done at lightning speed and has energy to spare. She's there almost everyday, and sometimes works from sun-up to sun-down. This in mind, she seems to me like the type of crazy bitch that would cut you in the morning, get her son ready for school, drop him off and show up to work on time. Not a moment is wasted, even when it comes to slicing up your punk-ass.<br />
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This is why I keep my general distance from her. I don't ever want to end up on her list of things-to-do. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-91926914519716518702013-02-09T17:19:00.000-08:002013-02-09T17:19:57.960-08:00The Seven Year RuleThey say the human body's skin cells completely replace themselves once every seven years or so. This means that by the end of this time frame, you are essentially a completely new you. For me, this means that if I slept with you seven years or longer ago, the shit never happened. My vagina has been completely renovated, and there is no longer any trace of you or the <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/02/7-minutes-of-sex.html">seven minutes</a> of sex we may have had. I am so serious about this rule that I am pretty sure I could pass a lie detector test if questioned.<br />
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So, that questionable encounter from the 90s? Gone. That ex you wish you'd never met in the first place? History. That wild weekend in Vegas? Non-existent. As long as it was 2006 or prior. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-70079522588551200482013-01-15T16:52:00.001-08:002013-04-11T01:24:42.460-07:00Don't Get Mad NowOver the years, I have developed a particular disdain for Facebook. I hate what it has become. What used to be a pretty neat tool for keeping in touch with others, has now become a shameless forum for attention-whoring of all manner. <br />
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Part of this attention-whoring includes the announcement that a woman is going to have a baby. What a special time this is! Naturally she'd want her friends and family to know, as it would be weird to show up somewhere with a kid 10 months from now and nobody knew you were pregnant. It's not so much the announcement of the pregnancy that's bothersome, it's the subsequent attention-whoring that follows the kid out of her vagina and throughout his whole life. <br />
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I have a friend on Facebook who is getting persnickety with people because she is now overdue. Every day people post on her wall, "Feeling any contractions yet? We're ready to meet the baby!" In no uncertain terms she informed everybody today that she is indeed still pregnant and will continue to be as the baby seems quite comfortable. People, including myself, posted encouraging messages, telling her to hang in there. <br />
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What I really wanted to post was Bitch, please don't get mad now that we are hounding you to produce the kid. You took us through nine months of progression photos, sonograms, baby showers, baby names.........you practically informed us of the moment your husband busted inside of you--why are you mad now? This has been one really long slow-ass movie, so YES, we are ready for you to show us the kid. In fact, show us your placenta, too. We want to see his little home for nine months. After that, please post photos of his first shit. I am bursting with anticipation. I cannot wait to witness every waking moment of the next 18 years of his life unfold on my timeline. <br />
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<br />Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-89913016443594413302013-01-13T15:21:00.002-08:002013-01-13T15:24:52.635-08:00I Don'tWalgreens has a commercial out right now that pretty much highlights all the reasons I don't see myself getting married. It shows a married couple sitting at their breakfast table; husband is reading the paper, wife is sitting there being neurotic.<br />
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Husband goes to take a bite of his doughnut, then backs off. Husband goes in again to take a bite when wife snatches it out of his hands, crumbles it into a million little pieces, and flings it across the table. She then replaces his doughnut with some nasty little lo-cal diet drink.<br />
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Now see, that's that bullshit I'm always talking about. That's his doughnut, his mouth, and his damn gut. If he wants to continue to grow his belly to the size of a nine-month-pregnant woman, that's within his rights. He doesn't need a wife/momager to tell him what to eat and when. Now if he had slapped fire-hell out of her, everyone would have been mad. <br />
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For reasons like these, dear readers, I intend on remaining single as long as the law will allow. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-36916914841727781762013-01-08T17:11:00.002-08:002013-01-08T17:11:26.727-08:00Wrap-Around Curtains<br />
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I'm watching HGTV this evening, and a show comes on featuring this young couple touring
a prospective homes. When they get to
the master bathroom, the wife notices that there is a shower curtain rod in place instead of a door or walk-in shower situation.
Snarkily, the woman says to the realtor, “Oh this will never work. I <i>hate</i>
shower curtains. I always get all
tangled up in them while I’m taking a shower.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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Bitch, what the hell are <i>you
</i>doing in the shower that’s causing you to get tangled in the curtains? Are you leaning on them with all your
weight? Are you twirling? I've taken many a shower in my day, and never
once have I gotten tangled in the curtains.
I could understand if she had said they seem gross or get moldy quickly,
or even that she just likes the look of shower doors, but getting tangled? What kind of fucking klutz are you?</div>
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And since we’re on the subject of HGTV, I've got a real
gripe with most of their shows. While I
enjoy their programming on the whole, I’m really getting sick and tired of
these spoiled, bratty, obnoxious, entitled homeowners. “Ugh, I hate the way that window lines up
with this door.” Bitch, some people don’t
have windows or doors anymore, because they washed into the Atlantic Ocean when
Hurricane Sandy came through. Or “Ugh,
we had to spend another $20,000 on kitchen renovations because our contractor
made a mistake.” Slut, please be excited
that you even have additional monies to spend on something as unnecessary as a
new backsplash. Some people in our
society can barely make rent. Stop complaining. And stop getting tangled in the damn curtains!</div>
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Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-60245869987553817452013-01-03T16:33:00.001-08:002013-01-03T16:33:22.203-08:00My 70 Year Old BoyfriendBy now, you all should know my love of and passion for <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/09/kidnap-comfort.html">planning ahead</a>. I will agree to almost anything, as long as I have 48-72 hours notice. Same-day requests are basically guaranteed to get vetoed. <br />
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With this, I have already mapped out my elderly years. I'm not sure if I'll be single or widowed by age 93, but I'm telling you this right now: I'm gonna have me a 70 year old boyfriend. Oh yes ma'am. That fool is gonna be upright, agile, and might still be able to drive. Hell, he might even still be working! Honey, I'm gonna be the talk of the nursing community. They are ALL going to be jealous, and hate on my relationship with my young boyfriend who still has all of his teeth. <br />
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This is why it is so important to work hard to maintain your looks, ladies. If that fool clocks out early and leaves you in your 80s or 90s all alone, what are you going to do? Mope around for the remainder of your years? No ma'am! Go out, get you a solid 76 year old and keep it movin. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-47021465101728932422013-01-01T20:17:00.000-08:002013-01-01T20:17:44.729-08:00New Year's Resolution<br />
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Happy New Year dear birdies and birdettes! As we face another year on this planet
together, the time has come for resolutions-- opportunities to make better
choices for your life in the 365 days ahead. </div>
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My recommendation is to start with that miserable job of
yours. If getting fired from your job is
actually a reasonable alternative, and is not the worst case scenario for your life at this present moment, it’s time to quit.
If you daydream about having more time to search for something new and
applying for unemployment benefits while you wait, it’s time to quit. Why drag in there for the next 52 weeks of
your life to be unhappy? For the
money? You know what that makes
<a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/06/prostitutes.html">you</a>. </div>
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Let this be the year you no longer whore yourself out. Take some steps everyday to shape your
future. </div>
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Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-5885701297430854672012-12-31T17:26:00.002-08:002012-12-31T17:30:34.219-08:00Happy New Year!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well dear readers, 2012 is coming to a close. It has been a pleasure exploring and
evaluating life with you, labeling and classifying all of the precious <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/search?q=rare+birds" target="_blank">rare birds</a> that exist in our society. This
year we've learned all kinds of things, like the importance of <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/01/unchecked-mind.html" target="_blank">checking in</a> with
all our little closet <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/06/psycho-by-design.html" target="_blank">psychos</a>. We
received advice on <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/01/poor-breeding.html" target="_blank">selecting good mates</a> to <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/08/someone-worth-reproducing.html" target="_blank">procreate </a>with. We’ve discovered the reason why some men just
<a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/01/picturing-you-on-top-of-me.html" target="_blank">don’t stand a chance</a> and never will with some women. We’ve covered <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/01/courtesy-flush.html" target="_blank">proper etiquette</a> in a civilized
society, and the need to keep your <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/01/sneezing-in-public-places.html" target="_blank">fucking disgusting germs</a> to yourself. We came to the tragic realization that most
sexual experiences last about <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/02/7-minutes-of-sex.html" target="_blank">7 measly minutes</a>.
We figured out where the boys have been <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/03/where-boys-are.html" target="_blank">hiding</a>. We discussed alternative forms of <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/04/papoose-boards.html" target="_blank">child discipline</a> and different <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/01/bitch-youd-better-make-straight-as.html" target="_blank">motivational techniques</a> we can use for said
children. We learned that one’s <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/10/boo-hoo-hoo-for-your-choices.html" target="_blank">choices</a> and others’ <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/05/sympathy-level.html">sympathy levels</a> go hand-in-hand.
We learned that we are all <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/06/prostitutes.html" target="_blank">prostitutes </a>for some corporation, and will
continue to be until we pursue our dreams.
We understand the importance of <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/07/throwing-dick-with-confidence.html" target="_blank">confidence</a>, and how one’s <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-donkey-dicked-strut.html" target="_blank">strut </a>can
change one’s life. We learned that
everyone walking around here is <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/08/windows-7.html" target="_blank">not quite human</a>, no matter how life-like. Finally, we now know that Lucas McKenzie will
never consume your hacked-in <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/12/dirty-chili.html" target="_blank">chili</a>.</div>
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That said, I thank all of my readers for being so loyal
throughout the year! I’m sure 2013 will
be a hot mess, so please check back in for the usual break-down! Have a safe, happy, healthy New Year! You rare little strange ass damn birds. </div>
Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-79903254566516789442012-12-12T16:02:00.000-08:002012-12-12T16:12:52.288-08:00Dirty ChiliIf you read the last post, you are already aware that some nasty little bugs and their hosts are going around our office. Sometimes I think they are in competition to see who can sneeze the loudest and the moistest.<br />
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In what has got to be the worst timing ever, we are having a chili cook-off on that same bio-hazard of a floor tomorrow. Members from each team have been enlisted to prepare their best chili with the hopes of being crowned the champion and raising some money for charity. Sounds perfectly fine and innocent right?</div>
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Wrong. Today I overheard someone ask one of the Top Contaminators if she was making any chili. With enthusiasm, she said "Yes!" I already wasn't planning on having any, but that right there sealed the deal. This whore has no shame when it comes to spreading her illness. She coughs loud with her mouth open and uncovered, sounds like she's dying, doesn't wash or sanitize her hands afterward, and refuses to take any medication to control it. If she is that loose at work with it, I already know what the deal is at home. She probably licks her spoons. </div>
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With that, I shall not be indulging in any chili. I will donate to the cause, but I shall not eat. I also shall not be a victim of the <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/07/abandon-shit.html" target="_blank">abandon shit</a>, which I'm sure will be going down tomorrow when those tummies start burbling from all that chili. </div>
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I can't do humanity. </div>
Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-46227469388460022012012-11-30T15:31:00.001-08:002012-12-12T15:31:40.950-08:00Bitch, Please Get BetterI think I've already made pretty clear my disdain for illness and <a href="http://thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/01/sneezing-in-public-places.html" target="_blank">public places</a>. I just feel like it's one of the most inconsiderate, rude things you can do to another person. Especially in the workplace.<br />
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I like to call my office the Petri Dish, aka The Cesspool, because that's what it is. All I hear all day everyday is coughing, wheezing, and sneezing. Some of those sneezes are quite moist. It is an infirmary. I watch bugs and viruses spread like the wave in a crowded football stadium on a hot summer day. It'll start at the top of the row, then work its way down, hopping on to every victim in its path. To make matters worse, our windows do not open, so all that air is just circulating and recirculating, getting more disgusting by the minute.<br />
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It's the nastiest shit on planet earth. There really should be a law against coming to work sick. As an employer, I'd want a legitimately sick employee to stay home because I wouldn't want them infecting my workforce. Pretty soon everyone will be calling out because of one person. How much sense does that make? And we play this same silly little game, year after year, sometimes more than once per year. Riddle me this, would you come to work if you had the Bubonic Plague?<br />
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I don't go down without a fight though. I down Airborne like shots of Patron. I sanitize my hands frequently throughout the day. And when my sick coworkers leave, I secretly wipe down their telephone pads, keyboards, and mice. Obsessive, I know, but this is war, people! You have to fight for your right to stay healthy! Being sick not only sucks but it is expensive as hell. I feel like laying my receipts for Airborne and cough drops on the culprits' desks.<br />
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Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I never get sick. The only difference between myself and my cohorts is that if I'm snotting out of the nose, I stay my ass home. If I cough and a wad of some sort enters my throat, I stay my ass home. If I can barely speak because my voice is gone, I stay my ass home. This rarely happens because I fight the good fight, but it does happen from time to time. Why can't others have the same sense of courtesy? It's almost like, "Oh well, I'm sick now. Who cares who else gets sick. At least we'll long-suffer together." Fuck the entirety of that shit. It's nasty. And it's rude. Bitch, please get better. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-89216339779771444702012-11-29T19:22:00.000-08:002012-11-29T19:26:03.457-08:00The Problem With MoneyWelp, the PowerBall drawing just passed, and there are a lot of grumpy non-millionaires out there this week. Buck up! While this Jackpot might not be yours, there will always be chances at others. <br />
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I personally don't think the average citizen needs access to that kind of money. We already know that half of them are the rarest of the <a href="http://www.thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/01/we-dont-need-you-natural.html" target="_blank">rare birds</a>, and the others are just flat-out fucking <a href="http://www.thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/03/dont-argue-with-crazy-people.html" target="_blank">crazy</a>. Aside from that, the real problem with having money is that it takes away all of life's usual worries, and replaces them with the scariest thing of all: yourself. <br />
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When you are rolling in dough, you don't have to worry so much about bills and getting up, going to work everyday. If your car breaks down, you either have another car(s) or you have an ample supply of money to repair your vehicle. You can pay your utility and service bills months or years in advance. Your home(s) might be paid for in full, leaving only the property taxes. If you get sick you can afford top quality healthcare. Your kids' tuition was paid for before they were born. And on and on and on. In short, you are not worried about <i>survival. </i><br />
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When this basic worry is removed, it frees the mind up to meet itself. This is a horrifying prospect for most people, which is why they either can't stand to be alone, or remain extremely busy so as not to get still too long. When you get still is when all the issues come out, honey.<br />
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Why do you think so many rich people are on the hardest drugs money can buy? Or into super-kinky freak sex? They've been left alone with themselves too long. Probably with no one really <a href="http://www.thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/01/unchecked-mind.html" target="_blank">checking in</a>. Why do you think they get into petty cat-fights for the world to see on reality television? <i>They don't have anything else to do</i>. This leaves nothing but interpersonal issues to address. Barring some natural disaster or severe mismanagement of the funds, the only thing the rich really have to worry about is keeping themselves alive. <br />
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So friends, if you didn't win this time, just be thankful that you've still got your life and all its issues to anchor you in reality. Once your worries are gone, your increase your likelihood of becoming a weirdo. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-235634073394470122012-11-19T16:46:00.001-08:002012-11-19T16:46:20.233-08:00Those Are Their Feelings!I'm about to free a whole lot of y'all, right now. I recently came into a concept that changed my life forever. I'm going to tell you the name of this concept in a moment, but I'd like to explain it to you first. <br />
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Have you ever found yourself taking on someone else's feelings, as though they were your own? Have you ever found yourself doing something or going somewhere you didn't want to go, to preserve the feelings of another person? To keep them from being angry, upset, or disappointed? Or to make them happy? Have you ever been concerned with another person's approval or disapproval? Have you ever held yourself accountable for something that was really someone else's responsibility?<br />
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Welp, if you answered 'yes' to any of the above questions, I am here to tell you my friends that those are their feelings. They belong to them. <br />
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What do you mean?<br />
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Allow me to explain by using examples. Say at work you have to make an uncomfortable phone call. You know the customer or client on the other end of the phone is not going to be pleased. They might even be pissed. You, however, have done everything within YOUR power, but the outcome is not one the customer is going to be happy with. Well, sorry, that's their anger. It's not your anger. And even if you called with good news, their happy reaction belongs to them, too. You may think you had something to do with it, but you really didn't. Their feelings belong to them.<br />
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Here's another example. Let's say it's your turn to go in traffic, but you don't have a clear shot. Every time you make a move to go, a car jumps in your lane. Now the people behind you are getting impatient. They're shifting all in their seats, moving their heads around, throwing their hands up, and finally, blowing their horn. While you might be an idiot driver, at the end of the day you have to be sure, and that is THEIR impatience. The impatience belongs to them. Who are you to prevent another human being from feeling impatient? You are not God. From time to time in life, we shall feel impatient. <br />
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It may seem cold and callous, but it's really not. It's recognizing that you have no control over another person's feelings, and that you as a mere mortal cannot make someone else feel or not feel a certain way. If someone tries to give you their anger, kindly fold it up and hand it right back to them. It is theirs, after all. If someone feels disappointed with you, recognize that that's their disappointment, and life can sometimes be well, disappointing. <br />
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Once you really get a hold of the concept, it truly shall set you free. You'll start to see it everywhere. If you want to do more research on your own, it's called CO-DEPENDENCY!Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-55712537742115370282012-11-19T16:05:00.000-08:002012-11-19T16:06:16.511-08:00Giving Them IdeasI was watching the sorry-ass news this morning, and they did an expose 'alerting' shoppers to a new scam involving gift cards. I won't give the details of the scam here, because then I would be acting just like them. <br />
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The point of it all is that the news basically gave you a step-by-step breakdown of how to complete this particular scam. It's something the average person would never think of, and yet, is such a simple scam. I couldn't believe the news laid it out for them, just like that. It's something a part-time or lazy criminal could pull off.<br />
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This is not the first time the news or media in general has given people ideas. I believe all crime-related shows are nothing more than reverse training. Here's what NOT to do, so you don't get caught. I believe all of these shows should be removed from the airways. One, because it truly is giving these fools ideas and Two, I just don't think meditating on murder is <a href="http://www.thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-man-in-window.html" target="_blank">healthy</a>. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-68533611604301877342012-11-16T16:08:00.003-08:002012-11-16T16:08:47.811-08:00Toodles To The TwinkieWhile I think it's very unfortunate that 18,000+ people stand to lose their jobs due to corporate greed, has the world really lost anything now that Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, and Ho-Hos will no longer be available? <br />
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Isn't this the country whose population on the whole, is overweight? The place where some parents will live longer than their children due to the childhood obesity epidemic? The place where diabetes has sky-rocketed over the last 20 years? I'm just sayin, do we really <i>need</i> Donettes? <br />
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Again, very tragic that so many people will lose their jobs. But bravo to the employees for standing their ground and refusing to be slaves to the corporation. Toodle-Loo, Twinkie! Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3513281251620424567.post-76264049118809018382012-11-16T15:48:00.000-08:002012-11-16T15:48:20.949-08:005000 Hits!Today, Things I Tell Monica got it's 5000th hit! Seems like just the other day we were celebrating <a href="http://www.thingsitellmonica.blogspot.com/2012/01/1000-hits.html" target="_blank">1000</a>. I would like to thank each and every one of you for tuning in for the fun and the foolishness. Rather you've been with me since day one, or are new to Things I Tell Monica, you are appreciated. Please continue to check in and share the posts, and don't forget to tell a friend! Really, it's selfish if you keep this to yourself. Lucas McKenziehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15804349722020353553noreply@blogger.com0