Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year!

Well dear readers, 2012 is coming to a close.  It has been a pleasure exploring and evaluating life with you, labeling and classifying all of the precious rare birds that exist in our society.  This year we've learned all kinds of things, like the importance of checking in with all our little closet psychos.  We received advice on selecting good mates to procreate with.  We’ve discovered the reason why some men just don’t stand a chance and never will with some women.  We’ve covered proper etiquette in a civilized society, and the need to keep your fucking disgusting germs to yourself.  We came to the tragic realization that most sexual experiences last about 7 measly minutes.  We figured out where the boys have been hiding.  We discussed alternative forms of child discipline and different motivational techniques we can use for said children.  We learned that one’s choices and others’ sympathy levels go hand-in-hand.  We learned that we are all prostitutes for some corporation, and will continue to be until we pursue our dreams.  We understand the importance of confidence, and how one’s strut can change one’s life.  We learned that everyone walking around here is not quite human, no matter how life-like.  Finally, we now know that Lucas McKenzie will never consume your hacked-in chili.

That said, I thank all of my readers for being so loyal throughout the year!  I’m sure 2013 will be a hot mess, so please check back in for the usual break-down!  Have a safe, happy, healthy New Year!  You rare little strange ass damn birds.    

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Dirty Chili

If you read the last post, you are already aware that some nasty little bugs and their hosts are going around our office.  Sometimes I think they are in competition to see who can sneeze the loudest and the moistest.

In what has got to be the worst timing ever, we are having a chili cook-off on that same bio-hazard of a floor tomorrow.  Members from each team have been enlisted to prepare their best chili with the hopes of being crowned the champion and raising some money for charity.  Sounds perfectly fine and innocent right?

Wrong.  Today I overheard someone ask one of the Top Contaminators if she was making any chili.  With enthusiasm, she said "Yes!"  I already wasn't planning on having any, but that right there sealed the deal. This whore has no shame when it comes to spreading her illness.  She coughs loud with her mouth open and uncovered, sounds like she's dying, doesn't wash or sanitize her hands afterward, and refuses to take any medication to control it.  If she is that loose at work with it, I already know what the deal is at home.  She probably licks her spoons. 

With that, I shall not be indulging in any chili.  I will donate to the cause, but I shall not eat.  I also shall not be a victim of the abandon shit,  which I'm sure will be going down tomorrow when those tummies start burbling from all that chili.  

I can't do humanity.