Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Seven Second Analysis

You know how they say a woman knows rather or not she wants to sleep with, deal with, be with, or know a man within a few seconds of meeting him?  Well, this is very true!  What varies are the qualifiers each woman is using within that time frame.  My analysis tends to run along the lines of:

Does this man believe in himself?

Is he independent and resourceful?

Does he appear well-groomed and well-nourished?

Is this man taken?

Does he appear to be disenfranchised?

Is this man a strange, rare bird?

Does his life appear to be dictated by his dick?

Is this a man of confidence?

Do his eyes communicate some degree of lunacy?

Does he have a zest for life?

Is this man even human?

Does this man have good sense?

I really don't think this is asking for much, but apparently it is.  I'm even willing to let go of the whole human thing if I can at least get everything else!  Sheesh.

It's Just A Memento

I'm starting to think I should stay out of the grocery store.  Nothing but rare birds there.  Today I'm coming down an aisle and a gentleman walks past me.  He pretends to get something off the shelf, then doubles back in my direction.  "Can you teach me how to coupon?" was his opening line.  I conducted my Seven Second Analysis and decided I was engaged.  But, being the polite person that I am, I thought I'd at least answer his question.  "It's very easy.  You buy the paper, clip the coupons you want, and use them."  "Oh I see.  I didn't really want to know, I just used that as an excuse to talk to you.  Are you married?"

His subsequent question let me know that my analysis was correct.  "Not yet, but soon.  And from the looks of it, you're quite taken yourself."  Homeboy had a gigantic wedding band on his ring finger.  This shit had layers of platinum and what appeared to be black diamonds wrapped all the way around it.  This woman wanted to world to know he was taken.

"Oh this?  You didn't even ask me about this.  If you had asked me I would have told you; This is just a memento."  Oh word?  A memento of what motherfucker?  That little event you went to a few years back where you promised some random chick you'd stay faithful?  The one where everybody got real dressed up? A memento of that?  Do you go home to this memento every night, or is that just a memento too?  The fuck outta here.

I had a good laugh at his expense and carried on with my shopping.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Someone Worth Reproducing

The other day a good friend of mine asked me "So when are you going to have kids?  You aren't getting any younger you know."  I laughed and calmly replied, "When I find somebody worth reproducing."  "Yeah I know what you mean, it's hard to find someone worth having kids with" she said.  "Oh honey, you misunderstood me.  I didn't say anything about 'with.'  I said when I find somebody worth reproducing, period."

Baffled on the other end of the phone, I explained to my friend that I will have children when I meet a man who is worth bringing to planet earth once more.  He needs to be such a great person that the world could benefit from him being here again.  And if he comes back in the form of a female, at least she'll possess his traits, which the world could use more of.

I think if more women thought this way, we'd have a lower population of idiots.  Instead, women carelessly reproduce children from men whose legacies really should end with them. So the next time you're thinking of "hooking up" with someone all wild and free, ask yourself if this person really needs to be here again.  I bet you'll reconsider.

On Their Way To Fat

Today, millions of children all across the country went back to school.  As a result, tens of thousands of 'back to school' photos were posted on Facebook.  Some of the kiddies were so cute with their little backpacks and big smiles and big dreams.  Others, well...... others looked like they're well on their way to fat.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-fat.  I know it is hard to battle the bulge, especially when most of us do nothing but sit all day.  I'm just sayin', if you're under the age of 10, you shouldn't be fat yet!

These should be the golden years where everything fits and you have tons of energy and you feel happy in your own damn skin.  You shouldn't have body image issues at age 8.  Honey, you can tell by some of the photos that a few of those kids will be porkers come their late teens.  And that truly, is tragic.

I wish them all well though, and I hope they get involved in a good sports program that keeps those pounds at bay.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Sex's Got You Broke

For those of you not native to the southern region of America, this title reads:  Sex Has Got You Broke.  And it has.

One shining example is Mr. Chad Ochocinco, who was recently arrested and released on bond for headbutting his new wife, Evelyn "I'm About That Life" Lozada.  Great.  And why did he headbutt her?  Because they were arguing over a receipt she found for a freshly purchased box of condoms.  Not only was he arrested and is now facing charges, he was dropped from the Miami Dolphins this morning AND had his reality show with Evelyn put on an indefinite hiatus.

I remember a moment during this season of Basketball Wives, when Chad told Evelyn, "I'm only marrying you cause you got good pu$$y.  It ain't cause you're cute."  Evelyn laughed it off and I'm sure dismissed it as Chad being Chad.  But no, he was serious, and he meant every word he said.  And now look at yourself.  Chasing around after some damn sex has got you broke.  If not broke, it has certainly terminated some income streams for you.  I hope that shit was worth it, and I hope you invested the money you did make, well!

Let's explore the issue a little further though.  How else can sex get you broke?  Let's take a trip to the grocery store to find out the answer.  You're standing at checkout along with three little bad ass children, running around the displays, knocking shit over, bobbing and weaving around your cart.  You look at their momma and she doesn't exactly look like she's banking.  On top of that, she looks exhausted.  And for what?  All for some lil' funky ass sex.  Sex got her in the predicament she's in today.  Married or not married, sex is what ultimately has her in this position.  Now she'll be broke x3, perhaps for the rest of her life!  Naturally, the same applies to males who simply must raw-dog it with every woman they meet, and therefore, have 4 kids by 3 different women.  Their pockets will be turned inside out from here till kingdom come.

How else can sex get you broke?  It can get you broke when that happy little marriage of yours gets ruined and dragged through divorce court all because you couldn't keep your peter in your pan.  Now you've got lawyer fees, assets to divide up, rent to pay in two places, so forth and so on.  All because of some lil' dry ass, insufficient sex.  Are we starting to get the picture here?

So we're losing jobs, spreading our money thin, going to divorce court and sometimes jail, all for some sex?  Dayum.  As a society, don't you think this is a little pathetic?  That something that really only lasts about 7 minutes dictates our lives to the point where it affects us financially?  That's just tragic.

Friday, August 3, 2012

London 2012

Ok so I lied.  I've been hopelessly glued to my television since the actual Olympics started.  USA is doing so well overall, and I've seen some of the finest creatures I've ever seen in my entire life!  These thangs look like Greco-Roman gods!  Where is the world have they been hiding?

But naturally, where there is beauty, there are ashes.  I've identified yet another sport where you clearly have issues to want to take part in.  Shot put?  Really?  You literally throw shit for fun.  And you spin around in a circle to do it.  How in the world does one ever discover they have a knack for this?  What kind of anger issues are you working through in order to generate the necessary force to hurl that heavy steel ball?  I'm just sayin, don't you find it to be just a little bit strange?

Strange as it may be, I'm actually enjoying it all.  These people are truly talented, and should be an inspiration for us all to get up off our lazy asses!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Batteries Not Included

I work with a guy who I'm pretty sure is a robot.  When the pending alien invasion takes place, there is no question that he will be one of the first to shed his human body and carry out the orders of his programmers.

I know this seems far-fetched, but hear me out---Dude is a robot.  Or an alien.  I'm not sure which one, but it definitely isn't human.  There are two main reasons I think this:

1.  I've witnessed him hit his chest with his fist periodically throughout the day.  Not a hard hit, but a good solid thump.  When I asked him why he does this, thinking maybe he'd say indigestion, his reply was, "it's good for the muscle."  Really now?  See, that's an answer only a robot would give.  I think he does it to restart his heart.

2.  Talking to him is like talking to a highly sophisticated Android.  His statements are slightly delayed and unnatural, like there is some sort of processing error.  He often repeats himself as robots do, because there is no new input.  When he does this, I figure he's probably in need of a reboot or system update of some sort..  His movements are also quite jerky, not smooth like a normal human's.  Overall, something is just fucking off.

I know yall don't believe me and that's fine.  You just wait!  It's gonna be on the news and you can say you heard it here, first!

Assholes In The Pool

Sooooo the fact that storm clouds are developing right over your head means nothing to you, huh?  You just figure that you're safe out there in all that water, surrounded by all those underground pipes and metal pool chairs?  The fuck outta here.  Or maybe your bird-brained philosophy is to wait it out until the bolts get reeeeeaaaally close, then you'll get out of the pool.  At any rate, my sympathy level will be at -1 by the time the ambulance arrives to cart your dumb asses off to the hospital.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Name That Bird!

Over the years, my friends and I have come across lots of men who've left comical impressions.  Some we've dated, others were just friends, and others were just people we happened to know.  All have a funny story behind them.  Over time, it becomes difficult keeping up with the real names of all these different birds.  We found it much easier to assign nicknames!  Here for your viewing pleasure, are a sample of some of the nicknames, who all represent real people:

Scruff McGruff
The Guppy aka Nemo
Fine #1
Fine #2
Software Company
Thug Passion
The Roo
Always Strapped
Ninja aka Master Splinter
Tank Head
Thirsty McThurston
Mr. 48
The Planarian
2 Hoops
Big Sexy
Hot Doctor
White Bird
and last but not least,

Dread Wig.