Backspace, Bitch

As Things I Tell Monica readers, part of your duty is to go out and combat stupidity on a daily basis.  By all means have a good laugh, then carry forth what you've learned into the world.

It's time to address the issue of illiteracy once and for all.  If you are over the age of 18, of sound mind and body, and have never been diagnosed as dyslexic or otherwise learning disabled, there is little excuse for poor grammar and absolutely no excuse for poor spelling!  The only time it should happen is when you're doing it on purpose, as is frequently done in this blog.  What's important though, is that I know when I'm writing something incorrectly, as it's usually done for effect.  A lot of adult men and women, however, do not know when they are writing something wrong, and they're usually the first ones to post it loud and proud for the world to see.  Unfortunately, nothing makes a person look more unintelligent than when said post is loaded up with spelling and grammatical errors.

I think it bothers me on such a deep level because some words are "sight words," meaning you should be able to recognize them and spell them with ease because you've seen them so many times in your life.  I'll never forget the day a student came up to me and asked, "Ms. McKenzie, how do you spell 'white?'"  I gave him the blankest stare, because here is a young man who has survived 15 years on this planet, and yet, cannot spell the word 'white.'  Bitch, your tennis shoes are white.  Surely you remember the white crayon..  The word is on TV and in movies all the time.  It's in the names of some of your favorite songs.  How in the hell can you not know how to spell 'white?'

One of my coworkers I shall never respect because that fool can't spell to save his life.  A few of his classics:  passangers (passengers), ergent (urgent), receet (receipt).  Now, receipt is kinda hard, I'll admit that.  But you've got to at least recognize that 'receet' is wrong!  Haven't you held a thousand receipts in your hand at this point in your life?

Finally, Facebook.  I have unsubscribed from more friends on account of spelling and grammar errors than for any other reason.  I'm not talking the occasional typo or mix-up (their vs. there).  I'm talking the chronic, grotesque, shameful spelling errors that make me wonder why I'm friends with you on FB in the first place.  It shows such a sorriness...such a laziness, that I can't even stand to see it in my feed.  I know a lot of folks have smart phones with auto-text that causes them to write things they didn't mean to, but that's why they make backspace bitch. Read what you just wrote, and if it isn't what you meant to say, rewrite it!?  Just because you wrote it once doesn't mean it has to stick.  There are do-overs in writing.

With all that said dear readers, do your best to not to make yourselves look dumb as hell in the public eye.  The world will already have an opinion formed about you, why help contribute to a negative one?

Sympathy Level

In life, we all make mistakes.  Nobody is perfect, and we all fall from grace from time to time.  For this reason, I tend not to judge too harshly, for we are all human.

That being said, there are times when I may not be judging you, but my sympathy level for you drops and hovers right around zero.  Recently, a woman was "mauled" by cheetahs at a South African reserve.  I say "mauled" because she is alive and well, and did not suffer any life-threatening injuries.  Really, they just chewed on her a bit.

Initially, my sympathy level was at 10, because I thought it was some sort of freak accident.  However, upon getting more details about the story, my sympathy level dropped to about a 2.  Apparently, the people told her these were "tame" cheetahs, and that it would be perfectly fine to pet them, kneel down by them, and rub their heads.  So she did.  And look what happened.

Bitch, are you out of your mind?  Those people could have told me they were deaf, dumb, and blind cheetahs and I still wouldn't have gotten my ass in there with them.  What part of that picture looks safe to you?  And since we're on the subject of pictures, her husband stood there and took pictures of the whole incident instead of jumping in there and saving his wife!  What, did he think it was cute?  Was he happy his wife was about to be offed by some cheetahs?  Whatever the reason, my sympathy level is now at 0.

So you see folks, when you make remarkably dumb decisions, or when you keep making the same dumb decisions, over and over again, it makes it very hard for people to feel sorry for you.  Just sayin.

Slim, Young, & Little

If I see one more artist debut themselves with the words 'Slim,' 'Young,' or 'Little' (Lil) in their stage names, I think I will scream.  How remarkably unoriginal you are.  There have got to be at least 50 of each out on the market right now.

I'd like to add a few.  If you are an aspiring artist, feel free to utilize any of the names I list below:

Slim Douchebag
Young Idiot
Lil' Leech
Slim Suspect
Young Troll
Lil' Loser
Slim Chance
Young Dummy
Lil' Dickhead...

Please, add to the fun by commenting below with your own spins!

Driver Alert Systems

Recently, I heard about the many new technological improvements scientists and engineers are rolling out to, basically, prevent stupid.

Most of them were really cool and I can't wait to see them in use.  One of them tickled me greatly, though, and it is called the 'Driver Alert System.'

In essence, this system monitors how many times you've swerved, even slightly, out of your lane.  It also monitors if you've made some really dumb decisions, like cutting off another car or taking a corner too swiftly.  After one too many fuck-ups, the system illuminates an animated cup of coffee and displays the words "time for a break."

Rotflmao! I love it!  While they have to keep it clean, what this program is basically saying is, "Hey! Jackass! Get Your Non-Driving Ass Off The Road Before You Kill Somebody!"

Isn't is sad that computers have to take over because we can no longer be trusted to do the job.  Pretty soon, cars will be driving themselves since we just can't seem to get it right.

China Is Poised For Takeover

Yes.  China IS poised for takeover.  And why is this?  It's because the majority of our citizens are dumb-as-fuck.  You can tell the majority of our citizens are dumb as fuck by the screening exams you have to take when applying for a job.  As you sit there answering the questions, you think to yourself, "Surely, nobody is this stupid."  Oh, but they are.

Believe it or not, even with the abundance of available, unemployed people, there is not an abundance of available, unemployed smart people.  And for the record, a college degree does not automatically make one smart.  It just means you followed directions well enough to be awarded this shoddy little piece of paper.  This expensive, shoddy little piece of paper.  Smart comes from within.  Education perfects it.

I used to teach, so trust me, I know what's out there.  Hell, even McDonald's is having a hard time staffing people, cause you're so dumb you might undercook the patties and kill somebody.

We need to watch this and take it very seriously, because while we're all over here passing kids through and letting them drop out en masse, China is busy cracking the whip on their kids and a-massing their armies.  Personally, I'm gonna brush up on my Mandarin, and when they finally show up, I'm going to offer myself to them.