Friday, November 30, 2012

Bitch, Please Get Better

I think I've already made pretty clear my disdain for illness and public places.  I just feel like it's one of the most inconsiderate, rude things you can do to another person.  Especially in the workplace.

I like to call my office the Petri Dish, aka The Cesspool, because that's what it is.  All I hear all day everyday is coughing, wheezing, and sneezing.  Some of those sneezes are quite moist.  It is an infirmary.  I watch bugs and viruses spread like the wave in a crowded football stadium on a hot summer day.  It'll start at the top of the row, then work its way down, hopping on to every victim in its path.  To make matters worse, our windows do not open, so all that air is just circulating and recirculating, getting more disgusting by the minute.

It's the nastiest shit on planet earth.  There really should be a law against coming to work sick.  As an employer, I'd want a legitimately sick employee to stay home because I wouldn't want them infecting my workforce.  Pretty soon everyone will be calling out because of one person.  How much sense does that make?  And we play this same silly little game, year after year, sometimes more than once per year.  Riddle me this, would you come to work if you had the Bubonic Plague?

I don't go down without a fight though.  I down Airborne like shots of Patron.  I sanitize my hands frequently throughout the day.  And when my sick coworkers leave, I secretly wipe down their telephone pads, keyboards, and mice.  Obsessive, I know, but this is war, people!  You have to fight for your right to stay healthy!  Being sick not only sucks but it is expensive as hell.  I feel like laying my receipts for Airborne and cough drops on the culprits' desks.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I never get sick.  The only difference between myself and my cohorts is that if I'm snotting out of the nose, I stay my ass home.  If I cough and a wad of some sort enters my throat, I stay my ass home.  If I can barely speak because my voice is gone, I stay my ass home.  This rarely happens because I fight the good fight, but it does happen from time to time.  Why can't others have the same sense of courtesy?  It's almost like, "Oh well, I'm sick now.  Who cares who else gets sick.  At least we'll long-suffer together."  Fuck the entirety of that shit.  It's nasty.  And it's rude.  Bitch, please get better.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Problem With Money

Welp, the PowerBall drawing just passed, and there are a lot of grumpy non-millionaires out there this week.  Buck up! While this Jackpot might not be yours, there will always be chances at others.

I personally don't think the average citizen needs access to that kind of money.  We already know that half of them are the rarest of the rare birds, and the others are just flat-out fucking crazy.  Aside from that, the real problem with having money is that it takes away all of life's usual worries, and replaces them with the scariest thing of all:  yourself.

When you are rolling in dough, you don't have to worry so much about bills and getting up, going to work everyday.  If your car breaks down, you either have another car(s) or you have an ample supply of money to repair your vehicle.  You can pay your utility and service bills months or years in advance.  Your home(s) might be paid for in full, leaving only the property taxes.  If you get sick you can afford top quality healthcare.  Your kids' tuition was paid for before they were born.  And on and on and on.  In short, you are not worried about survival.  

When this basic worry is removed, it frees the mind up to meet itself.  This is a horrifying prospect for most people, which is why they either can't stand to be alone, or remain extremely busy so as not to get still too long.  When you get still is when all the issues come out, honey.

Why do you think so many rich people are on the hardest drugs money can buy?  Or into super-kinky freak sex?  They've been left alone with themselves too long.  Probably with no one really checking in.  Why do you think they get into petty cat-fights for the world to see on reality television?  They don't have anything else to do.  This leaves nothing but interpersonal issues to address.  Barring some natural disaster or severe mismanagement of the funds, the only thing the rich really have to worry about is keeping themselves alive.

So friends, if you didn't win this time, just be thankful that you've still got your life and all its issues to anchor you in reality.  Once your worries are gone, your increase your likelihood of becoming a weirdo.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Those Are Their Feelings!

I'm about to free a whole lot of y'all, right now.  I recently came into a concept that changed my life forever.  I'm going to tell you the name of this concept in a moment, but I'd like to explain it to you first.

Have you ever found yourself taking on someone else's feelings, as though they were your own?  Have you ever found yourself doing something or going somewhere you didn't want to go, to preserve the feelings of another person?  To keep them from being angry, upset, or disappointed?  Or to make them happy?  Have you ever been concerned with another person's approval or disapproval?  Have you ever held yourself accountable for something that was really someone else's responsibility?

Welp, if you answered 'yes' to any of the above questions, I am here to tell you my friends that those are their feelings.  They belong to them.

What do you mean?

Allow me to explain by using examples.  Say at work you have to make an uncomfortable phone call.  You know the customer or client on the other end of the phone is not going to be pleased.  They might even be pissed.  You, however, have done everything within YOUR power, but the outcome is not one the customer is going to be happy with.  Well, sorry, that's their anger.  It's not your anger.  And even if you called with good news, their happy reaction belongs to them, too.  You may think you had something to do with it, but you really didn't.  Their feelings belong to them.

Here's another example.  Let's say it's your turn to go in traffic, but you don't have a clear shot.  Every time you make a move to go, a car jumps in your lane.  Now the people behind you are getting impatient.  They're shifting all in their seats, moving their heads around, throwing their hands up, and finally, blowing their horn.  While you might be an idiot driver, at the end of the day you have to be sure, and that is THEIR impatience.  The impatience belongs to them.  Who are you to prevent another human being from feeling impatient?  You are not God.  From time to time in life, we shall feel impatient.

It may seem cold and callous, but it's really not.  It's recognizing that you have no control over another person's feelings, and that you as a mere mortal cannot make someone else feel or not feel a certain way.  If someone tries to give you their anger, kindly fold it up and hand it right back to them.  It is theirs, after all.  If someone feels disappointed with you, recognize that that's their disappointment, and life can sometimes be well, disappointing.

Once you really get a hold of the concept, it truly shall set you free.  You'll start to see it everywhere.  If you want to do more research on your own, it's called CO-DEPENDENCY!

Giving Them Ideas

I was watching the sorry-ass news this morning, and they did an expose 'alerting' shoppers to a new scam involving gift cards.  I won't give the details of the scam here, because then I would be acting just like them.

The point of it all is that the news basically gave you a step-by-step breakdown of how to complete this particular scam.  It's something the average person would never think of, and yet, is such a simple scam.  I couldn't believe the news laid it out for them, just like that.  It's something a part-time or lazy criminal could pull off.

This is not the first time the news or media in general has given people ideas.  I believe all crime-related shows are nothing more than reverse training.  Here's what NOT to do, so you don't get caught.  I believe all of these shows should be removed from the airways.  One, because it truly is giving these fools ideas and Two, I just don't think meditating on murder is healthy.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Toodles To The Twinkie

While I think it's very unfortunate that 18,000+ people stand to lose their jobs due to corporate greed, has the world really lost anything now that Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, and Ho-Hos will no longer be available?

Isn't this the country whose population on the whole, is overweight?  The place where some parents will live longer than their children due to the childhood obesity epidemic?  The place where diabetes has sky-rocketed over the last 20 years?  I'm just sayin, do we really need Donettes?

Again, very tragic that so many people will lose their jobs.  But bravo to the employees for standing their ground and refusing to be slaves to the corporation.  Toodle-Loo, Twinkie!

5000 Hits!

Today, Things I Tell Monica got it's 5000th hit!  Seems like just the other day we were celebrating 1000.  I would like to thank each and every one of you for tuning in for the fun and the foolishness.  Rather you've been with me since day one, or are new to Things I Tell Monica, you are appreciated.  Please continue to check in and share the posts, and don't forget to tell a friend!  Really, it's selfish if you keep this to yourself.  

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Double Update! Sex's Got You Broke & There's Always A Bitch

I am pleased to bring you all a dual update fresh out of our nation's capital.

When I first heard the news about General Petraeus' resignation, my initial and immediate response was, "There's definitely a bitch involved, somewhere."  Before the hour was over, the news was already reporting on the alleged affair with his biographer.  This has set off a chain of investigations and probes into this man's personal and private life, and on top of all that, he's out of a job.

Broke.  Broke Phi Damn Broke.  Now I'm sure he has money stored away and trust funds and other sources of income, but you're missing the point.  His primary source of income and his pride were stripped from him, all over some lil' funky-ass, tired, bland, 7-minute sex!

We addressed both of these issues in Sex's Got You Broke and There's Always a Bitch.  Perhaps if he had read them, he wouldn't be in the mess he's in today.

Dear readers, please do not allow yourselves to be out here going broke behind some damn sex!

Update! Death Adder

This is something I haven't really done until now, but I think it's high time to bring to the attention of my wonderful readers, things we've already discussed that are now gaining national attention.  It's important to know that you will hear many things here, first, before the rest of the world catches on!

So let's begin.  Today they ran a story about 5 Hour Energy drinks and how they may be linked to 13 deaths, possibly more.

Ummm, didn't we discuss this already in a post entitled Death Adder?  I mean, are you surprised?  Aren't you kind of asking for it in a way, if you consume this beverage?  Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a fine energy beverage.  I am not entirely against them.  However, one should make sure they are healthy enough to drink them, and more important, one should not consume 8 of those bitches in one day.

My advice to you all is to stock up on your favorite brand, because as this keeps happening, the FDA will eventually ban them and energy drinks will be the new crack!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Calling To Be Normal

Today I got a phone call from a guy I met three years or so ago at one of my former jobs.  I knew he didn't have good sense back then, but today really put the icing on the cake.  Now, he didn't try to hit on me or anything like that, but that fool was always selling something.  Always something that felt slightly illegal and highly pyramid-ish.  The conversation today went a little something like this:

Hello, Lucas?  
Hey "Morris," what's going on?  
Oh nothing much, I was just calling to say hello.  I heard you moved out of town.  
This would be true.  
Oh yeah?  That's great!  Me myself, I got out of that old industry I was in.  It just wasn't for me.  

Now let's pause here.  I was excited, thinking, Wow!  He finally realized what he was doing was a pyramid scheme!  Thank goodness he saw the light.  But I spoke too soon.

Oh well that's unfortunate. 

It's okay.  I'm with a new company now and I'm so excited about it.  It deals with health and fitness, are you into those things?

As soon as he asked the question, I knew what was coming.

I want you to check out this website: and let me know what you think!  I know you're a smart girl who knows lots of smart people. Perhaps you can put me in touch with those people. 


What really ticked me off about all this was the fact that I thought he was actually calling to be normal. Who, after 3 years of not speaking to someone, calls and tries to sell them something? Random-ass strange fucking rare birds, that's who.

Honey, I'm not checking out the website, and I'm not answering the phone if he calls back, either.  Now I see why people change their phone numbers so often!