Bitch, Please Get Better

I think I've already made pretty clear my disdain for illness and public places.  I just feel like it's one of the most inconsiderate, rude things you can do to another person.  Especially in the workplace.

I like to call my office the Petri Dish, aka The Cesspool, because that's what it is.  All I hear all day everyday is coughing, wheezing, and sneezing.  Some of those sneezes are quite moist.  It is an infirmary.  I watch bugs and viruses spread like the wave in a crowded football stadium on a hot summer day.  It'll start at the top of the row, then work its way down, hopping on to every victim in its path.  To make matters worse, our windows do not open, so all that air is just circulating and recirculating, getting more disgusting by the minute.

It's the nastiest shit on planet earth.  There really should be a law against coming to work sick.  As an employer, I'd want a legitimately sick employee to stay home because I wouldn't want them infecting my workforce.  Pretty soon everyone will be calling out because of one person.  How much sense does that make?  And we play this same silly little game, year after year, sometimes more than once per year.  Riddle me this, would you come to work if you had the Bubonic Plague?

I don't go down without a fight though.  I down Airborne like shots of Patron.  I sanitize my hands frequently throughout the day.  And when my sick coworkers leave, I secretly wipe down their telephone pads, keyboards, and mice.  Obsessive, I know, but this is war, people!  You have to fight for your right to stay healthy!  Being sick not only sucks but it is expensive as hell.  I feel like laying my receipts for Airborne and cough drops on the culprits' desks.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I never get sick.  The only difference between myself and my cohorts is that if I'm snotting out of the nose, I stay my ass home.  If I cough and a wad of some sort enters my throat, I stay my ass home.  If I can barely speak because my voice is gone, I stay my ass home.  This rarely happens because I fight the good fight, but it does happen from time to time.  Why can't others have the same sense of courtesy?  It's almost like, "Oh well, I'm sick now.  Who cares who else gets sick.  At least we'll long-suffer together."  Fuck the entirety of that shit.  It's nasty.  And it's rude.  Bitch, please get better.

Musical Porn

Much of today's music has officially made the transition from being "freaky" or "sexual" to just plain nasty.  Disgusting.  Perverted, even.

Have you stopped to listen to the lyrics of some of these songs lately?  It's like listening to musical porn.  Some of the things these "artists" are saying don't really serve any meaningful purpose to the song.  Nope, it's only there to illustrate just how deep the perversion goes.  I'm all about creativity, and if you've just gotta be nasty, can you at least do so in a creative fashion?

Now, if you're an avid reader of the blog, you know that I am no prude by any stretch of the imagination.  But there are songs that come on that make me frown up and change the station.  They also make me want to spit.  I seriously can't believe some of these people have record deals.  What's even sadder, is that some of these "artists" were actually on top of their game at one point in time, and have sunk to incredibly new lows.  

If I were the producer on some of these tracks, I'd have to ask my "artist" if they were feeling okay.  I certainly wouldn't want them around my daughters.  Don't you feel like a perv when recording, editing, and mastering this?  You should!  Furthermore,

If I hear one more song devoted to how you're going to "beat the pu**y up, I think I just might scream.  Or cry.  With all due respect, child boo, what else can you do?  You're probably the same one who's going to serve up 7 minutes of pitiful sex, if that.  Please spare me and everyone else involved.

{Sigh}  Someone wake me up when they start making real music again.

Living Rocks

Recently, I was horrified to discover that a type of plant exists called "The Living Rock."

Now, Monica knows that I don't really like organic patterns or fungal things that appear in nature like mushrooms and mold......it's very hard to explain, but I will attempt to do so in a later post.  Just understand that it makes my flesh crawl.

At any rate, I was in a plant nursery the other day looking for some bamboo.  As I was wandering through the aisles, I came across this disgusting little plant called a 'Living Rock.' What's so gross about it, is that it really does look like a rock, but you're actually a leaf the chose to grow all rock-like and square and brainy looking and just........just fucking wrong.  The whole concept is repulsive.

There was a sign on it that said "This Little Plant Will Get A Lot Of Attention!"

Not from me, because seeing some nasty shit like that everyday would surely make me lose my appetite.

Sneezing In Public Places

This shit has got to stop, people.

Nothing is more disgusting to me than people who cough and sneeze in public places.  My disgust increases exponentially when these public places happen to be restaurants.

Again, I am not an unreasonable person.  I know that we as human beings, must sneeze from time to time.  We all get sick.

All I'm saying is that when your sick ass feels a sneeze coming on, you do your best to either suppress it or completely cover it.  In the past few days, I have seen a variety of shameless individuals, who don't even bother to cover their mouths.  That shit is fucking disgusting.

No one wants to be exposed to your got damn influenza or your got damn bird flu.  I guess everyone else has to be sick like you, huh?  The fuck outta here.

This has been a public service health announcement, brought to you by Lucas McKenzie ;)

Spit

As unladylike as it is, whenever I smell something horrid, I absolutely refuse to swallow whatever is in my mouth, and I will spit.  This is because I know that the taste buds and the scent glands are intricately connected, which is the reason why you can taste your food.  It is also the reason that you cannot taste your food when you have a cold.

In my mind, if I am smelling something rancid, I am also tasting something rancid, and that just won't do.  I have to spit.  I have gone as long as 20 minutes until I could find a proper place to dispose of the contents of my mouth.  Judge me all you want, I have limited shame about this.

This is very similar to my behavior of breathing through my mouth when the scent overrides my faculties.  There are times when certain odors are so foul, so pungent, that I would rather let them enter my mouth than breathe them in.  Seems counter-intuitive, I know, but at least when I'm breathing through my mouth, I'm not aware of the stank-i-ness that surrounds me.

I bet you'll think twice!

The Courtesy Flush

It's time to address a serious issue that I'm sure occurs in public and semi-public bathrooms everywhere across America.  It is the issue of The Courtesy Flush, or lack thereof.

For those who don't know what this is, the courtesy flush is something you are supposed to do after your first set of little swimmers hit the water.  It saves everyone the time and disgust of having to breathe in the smell of your shit.  


Why anyone would want to sit an marinate in the smell of their own feces is beyond me.  Truly, what you do in the privacy of your own home is YOUR BUSINESS, but I am begging you, on behalf of your friends, family, and coworkers, do not make it our business.

I understand that there are times when you just can't hold it.  We are human, so I am not unreasonable in this aspect.  All I'm asking is that you reach back behind you, and flush.  Immediately.  I don't care if you have to flush 13 times- do it.  When you don't, you create within me the strong desire to....