I work with a girl who I am sure is slap-stone crazy. Her outward appearance says one thing, but the inner workings of that mind are apparent, honey. I'll pass by her desk often and hear her talking to herself. A simple "Hello, how are you today?" turns into a manifesto. The chick is nuttier than a fruitcake.
But here's the kicker: she's efficient as hell. She gets her work done at lightning speed and has energy to spare. She's there almost everyday, and sometimes works from sun-up to sun-down. This in mind, she seems to me like the type of crazy bitch that would cut you in the morning, get her son ready for school, drop him off and show up to work on time. Not a moment is wasted, even when it comes to slicing up your punk-ass.
This is why I keep my general distance from her. I don't ever want to end up on her list of things-to-do.
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Friday, April 27, 2012
Milk Bags
For the life of me, I can't understand why anyone would purposely attach unnecessarily sized breasts to the front of their body. These things are heavy, they make your back hurt, and they make you look fatter than you actually are.
Celebrities with these F and G installments would like to have us believe that they are happy with their decisions. With all due respect, Bitch please. You can't even roll over onto your stomach, how could you possibly be happy?
My mother affectionately refers to these ridiculously sized breasts as "milk bags." The term is fitting to say the least, and women who do this to themselves on purpose are somewhere in my top 20 list of dumbest people on the planet.
Celebrities with these F and G installments would like to have us believe that they are happy with their decisions. With all due respect, Bitch please. You can't even roll over onto your stomach, how could you possibly be happy?
My mother affectionately refers to these ridiculously sized breasts as "milk bags." The term is fitting to say the least, and women who do this to themselves on purpose are somewhere in my top 20 list of dumbest people on the planet.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Weak Wristed Women
I would like to state again for the record, that my wrath is not reserved for men only. Women can, and will, get it too.
There is one trait that many women share that drives me absolutely insane, and it is that of the limp wrist. Upon meeting someone, it is generally customary to give a nice, firm handshake. Men don't really have a problem in this area. Women, however, will often offer up the most limp, simple, dead, weak-wristed handshakes one could ever imagine.
I am pretty sure I almost broke this lady's hand the other day because she did not return my shake with an equal and opposite force. I literally felt ever bone in her hand fold in.
What is up with this? Is this something they're being told to do? Is it supposed to be 'dainty?' Well I guess I missed that memo, because I shake hands like someone who expects to be taken seriously. Ladies, if you are guilty of this, please stop it.
There is one trait that many women share that drives me absolutely insane, and it is that of the limp wrist. Upon meeting someone, it is generally customary to give a nice, firm handshake. Men don't really have a problem in this area. Women, however, will often offer up the most limp, simple, dead, weak-wristed handshakes one could ever imagine.
I am pretty sure I almost broke this lady's hand the other day because she did not return my shake with an equal and opposite force. I literally felt ever bone in her hand fold in.
What is up with this? Is this something they're being told to do? Is it supposed to be 'dainty?' Well I guess I missed that memo, because I shake hands like someone who expects to be taken seriously. Ladies, if you are guilty of this, please stop it.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
7 Minutes of Sex
One of my favorite things to do when I go out is analyze couples from afar. I can usually tell how new or old a relationship is, and how long it will generally last.
I can also tell how long that funky little sex will last, honey. Ironically, the couples who hang all over each other in public places are the ones who go home and serve up 7 minutes of some of the most tired, little funky ass sex you will ever witness. Think Kim and Ray-J.
On the other hand, those couples that seem to have a quiet chemistry, an understanding, good conversation and lots of laughter, are the ones who are going home making us all jealous.
So, the next time you're out in public and some couple is slobbing each other down, don't fret, cause if she's lucky, she's about to get 7 minutes of tired thrusting, then he's going to sleep on her.
I can also tell how long that funky little sex will last, honey. Ironically, the couples who hang all over each other in public places are the ones who go home and serve up 7 minutes of some of the most tired, little funky ass sex you will ever witness. Think Kim and Ray-J.
On the other hand, those couples that seem to have a quiet chemistry, an understanding, good conversation and lots of laughter, are the ones who are going home making us all jealous.
So, the next time you're out in public and some couple is slobbing each other down, don't fret, cause if she's lucky, she's about to get 7 minutes of tired thrusting, then he's going to sleep on her.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Stalker Acquistion
People often ask me why I don't go out much or why I won't go on a simple date from time to time when asked. The main reason is because I'm trying to keep my stalker count low.
In this life, you have to know yourself, and you have to know the effect you have on people. One effect I know for sure that I have on people, is the one that causes them to tell me their life stories within a few short minutes. The other effect I seem to have is one that generates instant stalkers.
Any time I go out with a man I'm not all that interested in, I almost always acquire a new stalker. I think it's the mixture of independence, good breeding, and childlessness that makes them think, "She must be the one!"
Well, I'm not.
The next few weeks are usually filled with frantic texts, phone calls, and Facebook messages, trying to determine "where we stand." Bitch, we don't stand anywhere. It was one date.
That being said, I turn down more than dates than I agree to, because I'm really not trying to add any more stalkers to the roster.
In this life, you have to know yourself, and you have to know the effect you have on people. One effect I know for sure that I have on people, is the one that causes them to tell me their life stories within a few short minutes. The other effect I seem to have is one that generates instant stalkers.
Any time I go out with a man I'm not all that interested in, I almost always acquire a new stalker. I think it's the mixture of independence, good breeding, and childlessness that makes them think, "She must be the one!"
Well, I'm not.
The next few weeks are usually filled with frantic texts, phone calls, and Facebook messages, trying to determine "where we stand." Bitch, we don't stand anywhere. It was one date.
That being said, I turn down more than dates than I agree to, because I'm really not trying to add any more stalkers to the roster.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Host Body
Ladies, this post is coming from the heart, and I want you to take it very seriously.
There are men in this world who NEVER intend on getting married or settling down. Allow me to repeat this, there are men in this world, who NEVER intend on getting married or settling down. They don't intend on it now, 10 years from now, or 50 years from now.
With this in mind, these same men want children, specifically sons, to carry on their little funky-ass legacies. They are smart enough to recognize that they will never be able to birth their own children. If they could, you would watch the marriage rate plummet. Truly, these particular men are looking for women that I call "host bodies."
In the insect world, parasites seek out host bodies to feed off of, and sometimes, lay their disgusting little eggs in. Unbeknownst to the host body, they are helping this particular parasite carry on their legacy. Do you think the parasite sticks around once the food is eaten and/or the kids are born? Hell no!
Same thing goes for the human world. This type of man seeks out a woman(en) he deems suitable to bear his young. This is why you often see super-successful men with wimpy little women. Of course she's not his soul mate, she's his host body, and she doesn't even know it.
This woman(en) probably has good or good enough credentials. He can't have just anyone raise his little 'god-king.' She has to be appropriate for the job at hand. Gotta give him credit for his good breeding efforts, but it's done for selfish reasons and with ulterior motives.
These women will carry multitudes of these men's babies, until one day they realize they are being used. Why do you think so many politicians' marriages end in hell-fire? It's because he never loved that girl. He just needed credibility and someone to bear his son.
Moral of the story, ladies, do not allow yourself to be someone's host body!
There are men in this world who NEVER intend on getting married or settling down. Allow me to repeat this, there are men in this world, who NEVER intend on getting married or settling down. They don't intend on it now, 10 years from now, or 50 years from now.
With this in mind, these same men want children, specifically sons, to carry on their little funky-ass legacies. They are smart enough to recognize that they will never be able to birth their own children. If they could, you would watch the marriage rate plummet. Truly, these particular men are looking for women that I call "host bodies."
In the insect world, parasites seek out host bodies to feed off of, and sometimes, lay their disgusting little eggs in. Unbeknownst to the host body, they are helping this particular parasite carry on their legacy. Do you think the parasite sticks around once the food is eaten and/or the kids are born? Hell no!
Same thing goes for the human world. This type of man seeks out a woman(en) he deems suitable to bear his young. This is why you often see super-successful men with wimpy little women. Of course she's not his soul mate, she's his host body, and she doesn't even know it.
This woman(en) probably has good or good enough credentials. He can't have just anyone raise his little 'god-king.' She has to be appropriate for the job at hand. Gotta give him credit for his good breeding efforts, but it's done for selfish reasons and with ulterior motives.
These women will carry multitudes of these men's babies, until one day they realize they are being used. Why do you think so many politicians' marriages end in hell-fire? It's because he never loved that girl. He just needed credibility and someone to bear his son.
Moral of the story, ladies, do not allow yourself to be someone's host body!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Picturing You On Top Of Me
I'm really going to do my best to explain this without losing yall. This post is directed mainly towards the good guys who can't seem to get the women they want.
A man can have a whole lot of things going for himself. He can have a good job, a functional automobile, a home or apartment, good credit, no criminal background, reasonable height, so forth and so on.
These men put in sincere effort to pursue decent women they think would make good wives. These men experience distress, however, when these same women turn them down. They think they've done everything right. You will usually hear these men saying things like "You women don't want a good man." or "Yall want a man to dog you out." or "Nice guys finish last." I'm here to break the sad news to you that none of the aforementioned statements are true. The simple truth, fellas, is that she simply cannot picture you on top of her.
For whatever reason, she can't picture you pumping and thrusting her, now or ever. She can't picture your facial expressions. She can't picture your grunts and groans. It probably turns her stomach a little bit.
Now, some people will argue with me that sex isn't or shouldn't be the most important thing, but if we're two single people who are hitting it off and really seem to be compatible, like it or not, eventually it will lead to sex, and everyone knows that good sex is extremely important in a relationship.
If the thought of you on top of her makes her flesh crawl and makes her uterus want to retract into her lower intestines, it's never going to happen for you. I'm sorry, but this is just reality. Those 'bad boys' you see her with gave her great mental imagery, and that's why she's with him.
Look at you, you learned something today! And just to be clear, she can't picture you behind her, either.
A man can have a whole lot of things going for himself. He can have a good job, a functional automobile, a home or apartment, good credit, no criminal background, reasonable height, so forth and so on.
These men put in sincere effort to pursue decent women they think would make good wives. These men experience distress, however, when these same women turn them down. They think they've done everything right. You will usually hear these men saying things like "You women don't want a good man." or "Yall want a man to dog you out." or "Nice guys finish last." I'm here to break the sad news to you that none of the aforementioned statements are true. The simple truth, fellas, is that she simply cannot picture you on top of her.
For whatever reason, she can't picture you pumping and thrusting her, now or ever. She can't picture your facial expressions. She can't picture your grunts and groans. It probably turns her stomach a little bit.
Now, some people will argue with me that sex isn't or shouldn't be the most important thing, but if we're two single people who are hitting it off and really seem to be compatible, like it or not, eventually it will lead to sex, and everyone knows that good sex is extremely important in a relationship.
If the thought of you on top of her makes her flesh crawl and makes her uterus want to retract into her lower intestines, it's never going to happen for you. I'm sorry, but this is just reality. Those 'bad boys' you see her with gave her great mental imagery, and that's why she's with him.
Look at you, you learned something today! And just to be clear, she can't picture you behind her, either.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Women In Pants
So, some religious freak the other day was ranting and raving and getting all uptight about women wearing pants. They basically said it was a sin.
I never get angry with these kinds of people, for they too are rare birds. More often, I'm intrigued by their lunacy, and always like to know how/why they have come to these conclusions. So I Googled it.
What I found was absolutely fascinating. This guy basically said that women shouldn't wear pants because they 'tempt' men, in the form of drawing the eye to the crotch area. When women wear skirts and dresses, the eye is drawn to the face.
At first this made sense to me, but then I got to thinking....Wait the fuck a minute, draw eyes to our crotch, what about their crotch??? I have seen more balls and dicks bunched up in men's pants than I'd ever care to. AND they have the nerve to sit with their legs wide open so everyone can see that funky little mess. If anyone should be in skirts, it's them!! I imagine it's rather uncomfortable trying to negotiate which ball will go where, and how to keep everything in line down there. A skirt would solve their problems immediately.
We gotta think people.
I never get angry with these kinds of people, for they too are rare birds. More often, I'm intrigued by their lunacy, and always like to know how/why they have come to these conclusions. So I Googled it.
What I found was absolutely fascinating. This guy basically said that women shouldn't wear pants because they 'tempt' men, in the form of drawing the eye to the crotch area. When women wear skirts and dresses, the eye is drawn to the face.
At first this made sense to me, but then I got to thinking....Wait the fuck a minute, draw eyes to our crotch, what about their crotch??? I have seen more balls and dicks bunched up in men's pants than I'd ever care to. AND they have the nerve to sit with their legs wide open so everyone can see that funky little mess. If anyone should be in skirts, it's them!! I imagine it's rather uncomfortable trying to negotiate which ball will go where, and how to keep everything in line down there. A skirt would solve their problems immediately.
We gotta think people.
Why I Could Never Be A Lesbian
With all the hard luck I've had with men, truly, I should be a lesbian by now. I mean, it's the most logical choice. I cannot, however, become one. While there are many reasons why not, one reason prevails above all others: It's because women talk too much. And I don't mean gossip, honey. I mean Words-Per-Minute.
I have friends who run verbal marathons of such proportion that they make me want to kill myself. I'm talkin hours upon hours of non-stop droning that contains no real substance whatsoever. Now, I'm all for a good CONVERSATION, but that usually involves a mutual exchange between two people. These chicks essentially talk to themselves while I'm on the other end of the phone trying to find my gun.
I seem to keep attracting these people too. I don't know what it is about me that says, "Unload Here," but they do. I'm pretty sure my tombstone will ultimately read: "Here Lies Lucas-She Was Talked To Death."
I have friends who run verbal marathons of such proportion that they make me want to kill myself. I'm talkin hours upon hours of non-stop droning that contains no real substance whatsoever. Now, I'm all for a good CONVERSATION, but that usually involves a mutual exchange between two people. These chicks essentially talk to themselves while I'm on the other end of the phone trying to find my gun.
I seem to keep attracting these people too. I don't know what it is about me that says, "Unload Here," but they do. I'm pretty sure my tombstone will ultimately read: "Here Lies Lucas-She Was Talked To Death."
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