Bitch Better Have My Money

I really try not to be a petty person.  Life is too short to hold onto grudges over insignificant things.

But I am truly bothered by a situation with one of my coworkers.  Last week she comes to me and says, "Hey Lucas?  Do you have a dollar?"  I wanted to say, "Why, yes.  Yes I do.  Do you?"  ya know, cause I hate it when people try to get in my pockets.  Well she continues, "I didn't eat lunch today and want to get something out of the vending machine."  Again, I wanted to say, "I'm having trouble seeing where I fit into this equation."  But I knew the little hooker was asking me for a dollar, so I gave it to her.

As she took the money she says "I'll pay you back."  I jokingly(?) responded "Oh I know you will, I know where you work!"  It was all smiles as she scurried to the vending machine and got her little bird food.  I continued on with my day, confident my dollar would be returned to me within 24 hours or so.  I've loaned out dollars before, and have always had them given back.

It has now been 9 days and this bitch hasn't given me my dollar back.  I have literally seen her everyday, and there's been no mention of it.  Bitch, did you blackout or something?  You don't recall asking me for money last week?  You're just.....you're just not going to give it back at all??  For real???

Folks, I have tried to forget my dollar, I really have.  I've told myself it's a charity write-off.  I've asked myself what Jesus would do.  I've tried to convince myself that that dollar would be long gone by now anyway.  None of this is working!  It was my dollar, you guilted me into giving it to you, and now you're not gonna give it back??

All I know is

It's Just A Memento

I'm starting to think I should stay out of the grocery store.  Nothing but rare birds there.  Today I'm coming down an aisle and a gentleman walks past me.  He pretends to get something off the shelf, then doubles back in my direction.  "Can you teach me how to coupon?" was his opening line.  I conducted my Seven Second Analysis and decided I was engaged.  But, being the polite person that I am, I thought I'd at least answer his question.  "It's very easy.  You buy the paper, clip the coupons you want, and use them."  "Oh I see.  I didn't really want to know, I just used that as an excuse to talk to you.  Are you married?"

His subsequent question let me know that my analysis was correct.  "Not yet, but soon.  And from the looks of it, you're quite taken yourself."  Homeboy had a gigantic wedding band on his ring finger.  This shit had layers of platinum and what appeared to be black diamonds wrapped all the way around it.  This woman wanted to world to know he was taken.

"Oh this?  You didn't even ask me about this.  If you had asked me I would have told you; This is just a memento."  Oh word?  A memento of what motherfucker?  That little event you went to a few years back where you promised some random chick you'd stay faithful?  The one where everybody got real dressed up? A memento of that?  Do you go home to this memento every night, or is that just a memento too?  The fuck outta here.

I had a good laugh at his expense and carried on with my shopping.

Independent & Resourceful

So I've got this issue going on in my car where the entire back right floorboard has gotten soaked.  Hell if I know how it happened, but I've been through at least 15 towels trying to get the water up.

At any rate, I took the car to the dealership to see if there was anything they could do to help me.  Unfortunately, their service department was closed, but their sex department wasn't.  Out walks this 6'6" man with a 5'4" belly.  "Hello maam, can I help you?"  So I start telling him about the issue I'm having and asking him what I should do to fix it.  We walk over to my car and I open the door so he can reach down and feel the floor.

The door opened, but there was no reaching.  He just stood there and stared at the floor.  "Yeah, looks like you've got a problem."  It didn't look like damn anything.  It looked dry, that's why I needed him to touch it and see how saturated it was.  But he didn't.  So I'm preparing to leave now as he was completely unhelpful when he says to me, "So, are you married?  Single?  What's your situation?  Let me take you out to dinner sometime."  I looked at him, looked at that satchel hanging off the front of him, and said "Suga, I'm unavailable."

Instead of him taking the hint, he continues on, "Well I ain't askin' for much.  I'm just looking for a woman who's independent and resourceful."  Again, I looked at him, looked at that deflated, flap-lopped, saggy belly and said, "Are you those things?"

How dare you ask a woman to be independent when clearly you're not!  You are very dependent on that belly and what it feels like doing that day.  What if you need to take off running?  Do you have that option?  All I can picture is a lifetime of you saying, "Baby, pick that up for me...."  And clearly you're not resourceful, because if you were, you would have done something about that little situation of yours by now.  Who honestly wants to live that way?  And above all, do you think I can picture THAT on top of me?  You ain't bringing nothin' home with that.  Nothing.  But you want a woman who's independent and resourceful?  The fuck outta here.

Abandon Shit

Ya know, people really can be low down and dirty sometimes.  I have noticed a new trend in the women's bathroom that might end up getting somebody cursed out.

You walk in the bathroom and you know someone's in there taking a shit because they never learned how to courtesy flush.  So it's expanding and filling the atmosphere, but you have no time to go to the next bathroom because you have to pee so bad.

So you know what these hateful heifers do?  They wait for you to enter your stall, then they hurry up and flush, wash their hands, and dart out of the bathroom, leaving you looking like the guilty party for that funky shit that's in the air.  Now you have a choice:  hurry up and finish before someone else comes in, or wait it out and execute the Abandon Shit on someone else, even though it's not your shit you're abandoning!  It truly is a vicious cycle.

The next chick who tries to pull this on me is gonna hear "Oh No Ma'am!  No Ma'am, No Ma'am!  Get yo' ass back here and claim this! Own this nasty shit!  You did this!  You're not gonna put this on me!"