Trapper Keepers

I have a coworker who can be described as none other than a Trapper Keeper.  If you are lucky enough to walk away or have the phone ring within the first minute of her story, you'll be okay for about 3 hours.  Until she strikes again.  However, if you make the mistake of letting the conversation run beyond one minute, you'll be trapped for the next 15.

I really wonder what makes a person think you have the free time to listen to 15 minutes of nonsense, twice a day, everyday.  Sometimes more.  That shit adds up over time, and before you know it, we're all behind.  Brevity is truly a lost art.

I try to avoid Trapper Keepers at all costs.  If I spot one in the grocery store, I'll duck off down an aisle and hide behind a display.  When I see them at work, I pretend someone called my name and make a hard left down a row of cubicles.  If, however, I become entangled with one of these people, all I can do is hope and pray some divine presence intercedes and frees me from the web.

Sneezing In Public Places

This shit has got to stop, people.

Nothing is more disgusting to me than people who cough and sneeze in public places.  My disgust increases exponentially when these public places happen to be restaurants.

Again, I am not an unreasonable person.  I know that we as human beings, must sneeze from time to time.  We all get sick.

All I'm saying is that when your sick ass feels a sneeze coming on, you do your best to either suppress it or completely cover it.  In the past few days, I have seen a variety of shameless individuals, who don't even bother to cover their mouths.  That shit is fucking disgusting.

No one wants to be exposed to your got damn influenza or your got damn bird flu.  I guess everyone else has to be sick like you, huh?  The fuck outta here.

This has been a public service health announcement, brought to you by Lucas McKenzie ;)

Walmart

Words cannot adequately express or describe just how much I hate Walmart.  It is a clusterfuck of humanity and useless products.  Aisles are congested with people who won't move the fuck out of the way, and their children.  


I have almost accidentally taken off the heads of several kids who were running by me at top speed.  Why won't you control those little monsters?  You feel like everyone has to share in the same misery that you experience everyday at home?  That was your choice!  Had you been more selective during the breeding process, you probably would have produced calmer, more normal-acting children.

And then there's the store itself.  As massive as it is, you can almost never find anyone to help you.  And when you do, they've got attitudes out of this world, or they aren't knowledgeable about where things are or what the products do.  And speaking of the products,

What the fuck is all of this shit?  Walmart carries more useless garbage than the law should allow.  I never cease to be amazed at the resources that are wasted mass-producing bullshit.  There really shouldn't be global hunger or homelessness, because we spend millions of dollars making sure things like 'silly bandz' are available to the general public.  Why don't we redirect some of these resources towards creating jobs and getting people off of the street?

Finally, I believe Walmart is where rare birds come to meet and mate.  All the proof I need of this can be seen in the video that was produced by "Mr. Ghetto."  Honestly, the company should make rules regarding who is allowed to come in the store.  While they're at it, they need to make rules regarding how many people can be in that motherfucker at one time.  Surely, this is a fire hazard.

This is the main reason I go late at night, when only a few birds are around, and all the lovely little children are sleeping.  If I ever reach the level of success that I intend to, I will pay Walmart to close and lock the doors so I can shop in peace.

The Checkout

Ever since I've started this blog, it seems that the rare little birdies are coming out of their nests in droves.

Today, I was in Kohl's picking up a few things for my trip to Iceland.  I was a few people behind in line when one of the associates walked up and told me she could take me on a different register.  I knew she was a rare bird immediately by the expression in her eyes.

So we get to the register, and it isn't working for one reason or another, so we moved to different one.  I didn't like the way she moved my stuff, either.  She handled it with no care; just grabbed it up the same way you grab up dirty laundry.  I didn't appreciate that.

Then, we get to the next register, and that one isn't working either!  Now, I'm getting pissed.  I was already pressed for time, and I would have done better just staying in my original line.  Those whores were already out the door, and I coulda been too.

Anyway, I take a breath as this bird leads me to the final register, which is actually working.  She begins to ring me up when she became intrigued by the purse I was buying.  In a Ms. Cleo kind of accent she says to me  "Oooh, we sell dis' here?"  I wanted to say, "No, asshole.  You don't sell this here.  I went and got it from T.J. Maxx and brought it allllll the way over to Kohl's to have it rung up.  Of course you sell it the fuck here.  Whatchu mean?!"  But, much like how I didn't flip out on the seat jacker, I refrained, and didn't flip out on her either.

Then, she became distracted by my hair.  "Oooh, your hair is so pretty.  Who do it fah you?"  "Thank you, I do it myself" I replied.  "Oooh, I have to come to you now den ha ha ha."

Ha ha hell.  I wouldn't do hair for your strange ass if you were paying me $1000 per service.

Finally, her rare ass became enchanted by different people as they were walking by.  You could see them eyes just-a roaming.  She was barely ringing my purchases up.  It was at this point that I had had enough.  "Bitch, if you don't focus the fuck on what you're doing and get me the hell out of this damn store.  I am now 15 minutes behind schedule because of your happy, dumb ass.  Please give me my receipt and let me go!"

I didn't say that to her for real yall.  But I sure was thinking it.

People Who Tell Me Things More Than Once

I must be in a pissy mood today, because all I can think about are people who annoy me.  I would like to introduce you to another type of rare bird, and they are people who tell me things more than once.

Now, I'm not talking in terms of reminders, or you simply forgot that you already told me something.  I'm talking about people, who look me in my eyes with all sincerity and tell me a story that they've already told me before.  This behavior occurs over the phone as well.  I mean, they will literally go from beginning to end, as if it's my first time hearing it.  And they're completely serious.  And they're not good stories, either.  They're crappy stories.

What qualifies these people as rare birds is the fact that that mechanism in your brain that tells most normal people, "Hey! Jackass! You've told them this already!" is either off or malfunctioning.  It also gives me a clue to just how insane and/or self-absorbed you really are.  Ironically, these people are also the ones who tend to talk my ear off and make me wanna kill myself.  It's almost like they have a record stuck on replay in their heads, and they'll hash and rehash the same stories over and over again to anyone crazy enough to listen.  I guess this is what happens when you check in with someone with an unchecked mind.

Seat Jackers

I arrived to my seminar this morning and discovered another person sitting in my seat.  Now, this room is large, and there's plenty of available seating.  He could have sat anywhere, but no!  He chose to park his hips in my seat.

This pissed me off because, Bitch, you know I sit there and have been sitting there every single day since this tired ass lil' seminar began.  You've been plotting on my seat, haven't you??  I should have slammed my laptop bag up against the back of his head, but I refrained.  I do have some element of self-control.  

I got over it and sat somewhere else, but it behooves him not to be in my seat again come tomorrow.