Online Dating Tips (For Men)

Many well-intentioned men have trouble securing dates in the online arena.  This post is dedicated to them, and will hopefully shine some light on the blind spots in their dating pursuits.

Often times, guys, it's the little things that turn a woman off.  Please review the list below, and if any of the following behaviors plague your online dating profile, correct them, and watch the women roll in!

1.  She can't see your eyes.  A lot of men like to wear sunglasses in their pictures.  This is fine, as long as you've got some photos posted that show your eyes.  If a woman can't see your eyes, she can't trust you.  Do you trust a person whose eyes you cannot see?  Why are you wearing glasses indoors anyway?  Are your eyes bloodshot?  Are they squinty or too close together?  Are they crossed?  You see the list of questions this behavior generates?  Take those glasses off and let her see your eyes, Suga.

2.  You don't capitalize your own name.  You may not realize it, but this is a sign of your self-confidence, or lack thereof.  If you don't think you're important enough to capitalize your own name, why should she?  It is also a sign of laziness, because you can't be bothered to simply push 'Shift.'  If you are lazy regarding yourself, I'm sure you are lazy in other areas as well.

3.  Poor Language Arts skills.  Although this is the information/technology age, proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation still matter.  If you are a grown man still using broken English, this is a poor reflection of your intelligence and overall character.  Further, a smart woman will want a smart man raising her children.  She has to trust that those bedtime stories will be read correctly, and pass down good language habits to her children.  If I ever hear my husband pronounce 'though' as 'doe' to my kids, the marriage is over.

4.  Women in pictures.  A woman does not have time to determine rather or not that woman in the photo with you is your sister, mother, niece, coworker, best friend, aunt, etc.  If you give the illusion that you are already surrounded with women, a woman will think there's no room for her, and move on to the next profile.  Plus, we can all see that you think you're the cock-of-the-walk, and it's not working.  Please stop.

5.  Inappropriate pictures.  Similar to having women in your photographs, pictures of you with your shirt off or holding guns are probably not going to appeal to the respectable woman.  Your inbox may fill with women of a lesser caliber, but not the type of women you'd want to marry.  It's all about what you're trying to attract.  Furthermore, all I can visualize is you reaching for one of those guns when you get good and pissed off with me, and you probably won't have a shirt on when you do it.

6.  Unflattering pictures.  These are the infamous bathroom pics, or the one-sided, one-angled photo that even you know is not attractive.  You justify these photos by saying things like, "Well if a woman really wants me for me, this picture shouldn't matter."  Well, it does matter.  It is all about breeding, you know, and a woman wants to make sure she gives her children the best chance possible.  The shape of your head and the knock of your knees matter.  Be fair in giving a woman a fair chance in deciding who she wants to mate with.

7.  Telling the woman off.  So many men in their online dating profiles, proceed to tell off each woman who visits the page.  They present a dissertation devoted to who they DON'T want to contact them, and by the end of it, have eliminated every woman on earth.  I'm pretty sure their inboxes sit empty.  There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want, but your current presentation is very off-putting to the average woman.  Hell, it's off-putting to the average person. You sound uptight, rigid, and unforgiving.  Ask yourself, "Would I wanna hang out with me after reading my profile?"

8.  Inappropriate screen name.  Screen names that reflect your loneliness, your private bedroom habits, or your anger at the world, say more about you and your mental state than your profile does.  Women like mature, reasonable men.  If your screen name includes any body part, you are probably not the man for her.  Names like breakherbackin44, kingdingaling69, and pleaselovemexoxoxo are not whistling Dixie.  You might be a great person, but your screen name might as well be a big red 'X' on your forehead.

In closing, while it is important to be yourself, be aware that doing so has consequences that you may not desire.  At best, the women you want will not visit your page.  At worst, you will attract the women you don't want, and quite possibly, create a lifetime of headaches because of it.  The choice is yours.  What kind of woman do you want in your life?

Put Your Shirt Back On, Suga

The following epidemic is highly related the phenomenon of the dick pic.  It is the problem of men with their shirts off in their internet profile pictures.

Now, as young ladies, we were brought up to maintain a degree of modesty.    We were taught not to reveal too much, and to leave something to mystery.  This is good advice.

This advice also applies to your shirtless ass.  Baby, I don't want to see that.  I actually really enjoy imagining what a guy looks like up under his shirt, especially that tall, fine one.  I like looking at the way a man's shirt falls across his shoulders, and if I can picture him on top of me, I enjoy pretending taking said shirt off.

However, when you're standing in the mirror, sucking your stomach in, trying to flex, and trying to pretend that you don't have man-titties,  I am beyond appalled.

This also applies to men who have nice bodies.  When you post shirtless pics of yourself, you have literally taken all of my fun away.  I have nothing to look forward to but that damn dick, and as you all may know by now, I don't find them beautiful.  Useful, yes.  Beautiful, no.  Women have lots of stuff for yall to look at.  We only get chest and dick to daydream about.  Mother Nature really shortchanged us in this department.

With that said, leave a little to the imagination fellas.  You'll probably find yourself attracting a higher pedigree of woman.

The Dick Pic

Recently, the question was posed to me, "When is it ever okay to send a dick pic?"

The short answer to this question is- Never.  I don't know many women who actually appreciate this form of artistry.  Personally, I hate dick pics.  They do absolutely nothing for me.  They look like fleshy little mushrooms, arced towards the sun.  It's gross.

Further, it always leaves me with the question, "Is that all there is?"  Not in terms of size, because truly, no one wants a donkey-dicked n*gg* (more to come on this topic later).  I mean in terms of, what else do you have to offer?  Because right now, all you have to offer is a dick and a smile, and honestly honey, I'm good.

Also, you give me an advance opportunity to turn that funky little mess down, and you don't want that now, do you?

So the moral of this story is, put ya dick away son.  Nobody wants to see that.

Jail

Ah jail.  Now personally, I don't think jail would be so  bad.  I'd get a break from all the bills, wouldn't have to go to work everyday, and have plenty of time to work on my writing.  Plus, I'm ever so slightly insane, so I could thoroughly entertain myself daily within the confines of my own mind.

I couldn't do jail, however, because it is dirty and germ infested, and because lesbianism isn't for me.  See Why I Could Never Be A Lesbian for further explanation.

If, however, you find yourself in the unfortunate circumstance of ending up in jail, I have a fail safe solution:  Offer yourself to them.  That's right, I said it, offer yourself to them.  Go and find the biggest, baddest butch on the yard, and introduce yourself.  Tell them your name and where you're from, and let them know you're available.  Doesn't that sound better than getting your ass whopped and having it taken from you?  You know you're not gonna win, so why not surrender?  Just go get the honeybuns and the cigarettes and take it like a man or a woman.  Might sound degrading at first, but at least you'll know you gave it away versus having it taken.