Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Boo-Hoo-Hoo For Your Choices!

Tonight I accidentally began watching No Country For Old Men.  Indeed it's not, because EVERYONE was dead within the first five minutes of that bitch.

Aside from that, the main character happened to stumble across a group of dead drug dealers and their load of cash.  One of the men was barely clinging to life and he kept asking for water.  Well, buddy didn't have any water.  So, he takes the money and hightails it out of there.  The movie could have ended here, because he got home Scot-free and about 2 million dollars richer.

Welp, some people just aren't satisfied until they get that ass broken off.  Our new millionaire was lying in bed, tossing and turning because he couldn't get the thirsty dope-peddler out of his mind.  Instead of laying there, shaking it off, and planning his move out of town, homeboy gets out of bed, fills a gallon jug full of water, and returns to the scene of the crime.

Naturally, the perpetrators return to the scene juuuuust as he was about to deliver the water.  They chase him down, shoot at him, sic their dog on him, and make that man swim like Michael Phelps across some raging rapids to his almost certain death.  By a very thin thread, he escapes.  Now he's on the run from both the law and some bloodthirsty drug dealers.

Now, you may feel inclined to feel sorry for this individual, but I don't.  Boo-Hoo-Hoo-De-Damn-Hoo for your choices! You chose to carry your ass back out there.  You chose to deliver your water slowly and by foot.  You chose to take those people's money.  You chose that shit, so I really don't feel all that sorry for you.

I've never seen this movie before, so it'll be interesting to see how it all turns out.  But I want you all to start thinking in terms of Boo-Hoo-Hoo for your choices.  When that coworker, friend, family member, or complete stranger starts loading you down with their life's issues, sort out those that they had no control over, and those that they had complete control over.  You too will be saying Boo-Hoo-Hoo!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Don't You Die In Here!

One day when I was a teaching, we had a pretty scary near-death experience in my classroom.

It was a Monday morning, and I was sharing the room with another teacher.  It was technically his class at the time, so I was sitting at my desk grading papers.  Well, the bell rang and all of the students got up and left with the exception of one.  He was lying face down on his desk with his arms limp at his side. 

The other teacher walked over and began shaking him, "Billy, get up."  Billy, wake up!"  At this point I became alarmed and my instincts kicked in.  I stood up at my desk and said: 

"Oh hell no!  Oh hell no!  Wake the hell up Billy!  Don't you die in here!  Go outside and die by the front office, but don't you die your ass in here!  That's too much damn paperwork!"

Something I said must have made his soul jump back into his body, cause the little bastard woke up.  Turns out he was high on a combination of sleeping pills, Robitussin  marijuana, and Xanax (this wasn't the little red schoolhouse, this was an alternative school for teens).  

I warned all of my other classes that if they felt the need to OD and half-die, they need to take that shit outside.  I don't need the coroner and investigators and police officers and news outlets all in my face asking me about how you managed to die on my watch.  

Now do you see why I got out of teaching???

STDs Aside

The following is a Public Service Announcement, brought to you by Lucas McKenzie.

Ya know, there are many reasons not to have unprotected sex, including unplanned children, financial strain, and STDs.  But STDs aside, allow me to offer you another reason not to have unprotected sex:  some people don't wash well.  

The need for vaginal cleanliness speaks for itself, but men have various crevices and folds that need to be addressed, too.  Some men just splash water on it and go, thinking it doesn't need special attention because it's not a vajay.  Well sir, it does because currently---it's a bacteria factory.

This has been a Public Service Announcement, brought to you by Lucas McKenzie.  

Trapper Keepers

I have a coworker who can be described as none other than a Trapper Keeper.  If you are lucky enough to walk away or have the phone ring within the first minute of her story, you'll be okay for about 3 hours.  Until she strikes again.  However, if you make the mistake of letting the conversation run beyond one minute, you'll be trapped for the next 15.

I really wonder what makes a person think you have the free time to listen to 15 minutes of nonsense, twice a day, everyday.  Sometimes more.  That shit adds up over time, and before you know it, we're all behind.  Brevity is truly a lost art.

I try to avoid Trapper Keepers at all costs.  If I spot one in the grocery store, I'll duck off down an aisle and hide behind a display.  When I see them at work, I pretend someone called my name and make a hard left down a row of cubicles.  If, however, I become entangled with one of these people, all I can do is hope and pray some divine presence intercedes and frees me from the web.

The Tall Man

There is yet another scary movie out that involves a man lurking in the woods outside of a home.  This time, however, the man is TALL.

Honey, bypass those trash cans and come on in this house.  I'll have dinner ready in about 20 minutes.  My goodness, what are you like 8...9 feet tall?  You look a little cold, should I turn on the heater?  Here's some hot cocoa, Suga.

I don't know what's up with this new trend in Hollywood, but I like it!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Trying To Cheat

Ya know, it really annoys me when people try to do dirt, and aren't even good at or confident in their ability to pull it off.  Lately, my friends and I have run into a lot of wannabe cheaters.  Men in committed relationships who are doing the relationship equivalent of sticking their toe in the water to see how cold it is.

It's hilarious to watch, really, because you can see the guilt all over their face as they attempt to arrange a cheat.  That guilt has that face all twisted up, and makes them move in awkward and uncomfortable ways.  Their speech becomes choppy and they seem to scold themselves right after the words slip out of their mouths.  It's the funniest thing ever.

One of my close friends met a guy recently who confessed to having a pair of lips tattooed on his chest.  LIPS people!  Come to find out, he's actually married, and is out here trying to cheat on somebody.  Boy sit down, you have lips on your chest!  How are you out here trying to cheat on somebody with lips on your chest?

Then there was an experience I had of my own.  I ran into an old classmate that I hadn't seen since high school.  He and I exchanged numbers and really just caught up over the phone.  Well, after a pleasant conversation, I got a text message about 30 minutes later from him.......with his shirt off.

Really guy?  To make matters worse, about a week later he changed his relationship status to 'engaged' and posted pics of he and his fiancee's engagement photos!?  I said, "Look at this asshole out here trying to cheat."  And not even any good at it.  What if I had accidentally hit 'share' on that delightful little photo you sent me?  Then what?

Just lousy.