Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Bitch, You'd Better Make Straight A's!

I don't have kids of my own yet, but when I do, I know one thing- Bitch, you'd better make straight A's.

I was talking with a friend tonight who's recently given birth, and she described the sheer horror of the overall experience.  Her baby's head tore her vaginal canal, and she had to be stitched from the inside out (44 stitches to be exact).  She pushed so hard that she got a hemorrhoid. She developed vericose veins on her calf muscles, and stretch marks around her torso that look like something out of the movie Beastly.

Let me tell you something, you little fucker, if I'm going to go through all of this to get you here, oh, you'd better make straight A's.  I mean STRAIGHT A's.  No B's.  No C's.  Certainly no F's.  Did I give you an F delivery?  I could have.  I could have pushed once and given up, but noooooo.  I pushed until I ripped myself.  You better push until you rip yourself too.

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