Jail

Ah jail.  Now personally, I don't think jail would be so  bad.  I'd get a break from all the bills, wouldn't have to go to work everyday, and have plenty of time to work on my writing.  Plus, I'm ever so slightly insane, so I could thoroughly entertain myself daily within the confines of my own mind.

I couldn't do jail, however, because it is dirty and germ infested, and because lesbianism isn't for me.  See Why I Could Never Be A Lesbian for further explanation.

If, however, you find yourself in the unfortunate circumstance of ending up in jail, I have a fail safe solution:  Offer yourself to them.  That's right, I said it, offer yourself to them.  Go and find the biggest, baddest butch on the yard, and introduce yourself.  Tell them your name and where you're from, and let them know you're available.  Doesn't that sound better than getting your ass whopped and having it taken from you?  You know you're not gonna win, so why not surrender?  Just go get the honeybuns and the cigarettes and take it like a man or a woman.  Might sound degrading at first, but at least you'll know you gave it away versus having it taken.

Why I Could Never Be A Lesbian

With all the hard luck I've had with men, truly, I should be a lesbian by now.  I mean, it's the most logical choice.  I cannot, however, become one.  While there are many reasons why not, one reason prevails above all others:  It's because women talk too much.  And I don't mean gossip, honey.  I mean Words-Per-Minute.

I have friends who run verbal marathons of such proportion that they make me want to kill myself.  I'm talkin hours upon hours of non-stop droning that contains no real substance whatsoever.  Now, I'm all for a good CONVERSATION, but that usually involves a mutual exchange between two people.  These chicks essentially talk to themselves while I'm on the other end of the phone trying to find my gun.

I seem to keep attracting these people too.  I don't know what it is about me that says, "Unload Here," but they do.  I'm pretty sure my tombstone will ultimately read:  "Here Lies Lucas-She Was Talked To Death."