Wednesday, August 28, 2013

You Gon' Live

Last night I had the displeasure of meeting one of the most annoying human beings on planet earth.  This person was loud, invasive, and constant.  I really wanted to clip her in the throat, but decided it wasn't worth the energy expenditure.

At any rate, this woman at some point during the night, made the statement, "God's gonna strike me down if I keep it up hahaha...."  I thought to myself, "No hell he's not.  He is not trying to be bothered with you, any time soon.  Bitch you gon' live, and you gon' live LOOOONG."

After last night I realized that God probably allows the most irritating of us to live a long happy life here on Earth.  Why in the world would he call you home early so you can annoy him for all eternity?

Sunday, April 21, 2013

It Doesn't Matter

Stumbled across this little gem in a mailer that came to my house the other day.  This chick has a vice grip on this dude.  I was taken aback by the pose because typically men are the ones who wrap themselves completely around the woman's waist.  And even with that,  most people leave one hand free. This is a  photo of a woman who is holding on for dear life.   Unfortunately, Suga,  that death grip of yours ain't preventing a damn thing.   He and his penis are still gonna do what they wanna do.  And based on that locked and loaded hand positioning,  he'll be doing his own thing very soon.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Bitch Better Have My Money

I really try not to be a petty person.  Life is too short to hold onto grudges over insignificant things.

But I am truly bothered by a situation with one of my coworkers.  Last week she comes to me and says, "Hey Lucas?  Do you have a dollar?"  I wanted to say, "Why, yes.  Yes I do.  Do you?"  ya know, cause I hate it when people try to get in my pockets.  Well she continues, "I didn't eat lunch today and want to get something out of the vending machine."  Again, I wanted to say, "I'm having trouble seeing where I fit into this equation."  But I knew the little hooker was asking me for a dollar, so I gave it to her.

As she took the money she says "I'll pay you back."  I jokingly(?) responded "Oh I know you will, I know where you work!"  It was all smiles as she scurried to the vending machine and got her little bird food.  I continued on with my day, confident my dollar would be returned to me within 24 hours or so.  I've loaned out dollars before, and have always had them given back.

It has now been 9 days and this bitch hasn't given me my dollar back.  I have literally seen her everyday, and there's been no mention of it.  Bitch, did you blackout or something?  You don't recall asking me for money last week?  You're're just not going to give it back at all??  For real???

Folks, I have tried to forget my dollar, I really have.  I've told myself it's a charity write-off.  I've asked myself what Jesus would do.  I've tried to convince myself that that dollar would be long gone by now anyway.  None of this is working!  It was my dollar, you guilted me into giving it to you, and now you're not gonna give it back??

All I know is

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

I Did Her In The Butt

Time to change things up here at Things I Tell Monica.  By popular demand, I am now going to start including pictures in my posts.  Some of the photos will be samples from the internet, but most will be created by me.  I may even add photos to some older posts, so be sure to view the archives -------->

Let's start off our makeover with a recent issue faced by one of my male friends.  He calls me, somewhat upset, over a girl he's dating.  I asked him to describe the problem to me.  Long story short, he had sex with this girl in her butt, now she's not returning his phone calls.

"Well, did you do something to piss her off?" I asked.  "No, nothing!" was his response.  "Well, was it falling apart prior to you having sex with her butt??"  "No, not at all!  We were actually doing really well before that." "Hmmmm....okay....well.....did you enjoy it?"  "Hell yeah!  That shit was great.  I really wanted to do it again."


"You enjoyed it too much.  That's a turnoff to her.  Now she thinks you like butt sex."  "But it was her idea!  She initiated, not me.  I was just going along with it."  "Yeah but you weren't supposed to like it.  She could tell."

The call ended with my friend worried that he had ruined a good thing due to his affinity for passionate butt sex.  He probably has, but don't worry buddy, there are other fish in the sea.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I Don't Know Why I'm Single

Tonight I found myself watching My Strange Addiction on TLC.  It featured a single mother of two who loves to chew on and swallow dryer sheets.  Yes, dryer sheets.  I waited an entire hour for her loving, supportive husband or boyfriend to show up, but he never did.  And then I scolded myself for believing that he actually might.

The fuck was I thinking?

Bitch, you eat dryer sheets???  I think the bigger question here is, who in the hell got you pregnant?  Twice?  This means at some point a male figure was close enough to you to knock you up.  Soooo did you tell him about the dryer sheets before or after y'all had sex?  I'm gonna go ahead and assume it was after.  He wrapped up his seven minutes of thrusting and you pulled your box of Downy out from under the bed and went to town.  I would have paid good money to see his face.  Tell me, is it really fair to put a man on child support when he learns he impregnated a chick hooked on dryer sheets?  I'm leaning towards maybe not, but this is what I mean when I talk about making poor decisions with your dick.  Now and for the rest of your life, you're the guy who got the dryer-sheet girl pregnant.  Great job.

Now more than ever am I certain the aliens are getting closer.  Surely their spaceships are interfering with the magnetic field of the earth, because there truly is no other explanation for the random, weird, strange human beings on this planet.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Poor Decisions With Your Dick

Speaking of informed decisions, today I saw a man leaving the gas station who looks like he's made a multitude of poor decisions with his dick.  For all intents and purposes, he seems like a normal-enough guy, but that dick history looked questionable as hell.  He just had that look about him.  I could tell by the way he walked that he more than likely had pending children out there, and financial troubles as a result of said children.  God only knows what other choices he's made with his dick over the years.  For these reasons I rolled my window up and kept it moving.

Next time you're thinking about dating a man, ladies, take a step back and decide if this individual looks like he's made the best decisions with his dick.  It can be hard to tell at times, but it is usually fairly easy to detect.

Pending Children

Lately my friends and I have been running into men who are not owning up to all of their spawn.  We'll ask the fair question of how many kids they have, they'll tell us one or none, only to find out months later that they either just had a baby, or just found out about the existence of one.

To alleviate this unfortunate miscommunication, we now ask men how many children they have, and how many pending children they have.  Bitch, how many women are pregnant with a possible child of yours at this very moment?  How many DNA test results are you currently waiting on?  These are important questions because a lot of men seem to think that just because the kid isn't here yet or hasn't been confirmed, they don't technically count.  Well, yes bitch, they do.  And I need to know about all of them so I can make an informed decision.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Seriously, What Are You?

When we are kids, we are quickly taught what certain things are, so we don't question them, and so we're not afraid of them.  One of the first things we learn about are animals.  That's a cat, that's a dog, that's a bird, so forth and so on.

Had it not been for this indoctrination, we might have found ourselves saying, "What the fuck is that?" more often than not as we lived from year to year.

Well, I find myself saying, "What the fuck is that?" now, even though I know what you supposedly are.  Walk with me people...seriously, what the fuck is a giraffe?  Really take a step back and look at a giraffe.  What is it?  Are you a horse?

Then there's the platypus.  Have you ever seen a platypus?  It looks like a duck mated with a wolverine.  And yet, we point to it and say "There's a platypus" and everyone accepts it.

I'm not even going to get on Octopi.

All I'm saying is that if you weren't told these things as children, we'd be rather freaked out by the world around us.  Chew on that next time you look at a centipede.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Cut Before Dawn

I work with a girl who I am sure is slap-stone crazy.  Her outward appearance says one thing, but the inner workings of that mind are apparent, honey.  I'll pass by her desk often and hear her talking to herself.  A simple "Hello, how are you today?"  turns into a manifesto.  The chick is nuttier than a fruitcake.

But here's the kicker:  she's efficient as hell.  She gets her work done at lightning speed and has energy to spare.  She's there almost everyday, and sometimes works from sun-up to sun-down.  This in mind, she seems to me like the type of crazy bitch that would cut you in the morning, get her son ready for school, drop him off and show up to work on time.  Not a moment is wasted, even when it comes to slicing up your punk-ass.

This is why I keep my general distance from her.  I don't ever want to end up on her list of things-to-do.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

The Seven Year Rule

They say the human body's skin cells completely replace themselves once every seven years or so.  This means that by the end of this time frame, you are essentially a completely new you.  For me, this means that if I slept with you seven years or longer ago, the shit never happened.  My vagina has been completely renovated, and there is no longer any trace of you or the seven minutes of sex we may have had.  I am so serious about this rule that I am pretty sure I could pass a lie detector test if questioned.

So, that questionable encounter from the 90s?  Gone.  That ex you wish you'd never met in the first place?  History.  That wild weekend  in Vegas?  Non-existent.  As long as it was 2006 or prior.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Don't Get Mad Now

Over the years, I have developed a particular disdain for Facebook.  I hate what it has become.  What used to be a pretty neat tool for keeping in touch with others, has now become a shameless forum for attention-whoring of all manner.

Part of this attention-whoring includes the announcement that a woman is going to have a baby.  What a special time this is!  Naturally she'd want her friends and family to know, as it would be weird to show up somewhere with a kid 10 months from now and nobody knew you were pregnant.  It's not so much the announcement of the pregnancy that's bothersome, it's the subsequent attention-whoring that follows the kid out of her vagina and throughout his whole life.

I have a friend on Facebook who is getting persnickety with people because she is now overdue.  Every day people post on her wall, "Feeling any contractions yet?  We're ready to meet the baby!"  In no uncertain terms she informed everybody today that she is indeed still pregnant and will continue to be as the baby seems quite comfortable.  People, including myself, posted encouraging messages, telling her to hang in there.

What I really wanted to post was Bitch, please don't get mad now that we are hounding you to produce the kid.  You took us through nine months of progression photos, sonograms, baby showers, baby practically informed us of the moment your husband busted inside of you--why are you mad now?  This has been one really long slow-ass movie, so YES, we are ready for you to show us the kid.  In fact, show us your placenta, too.  We want to see his little home for nine months.  After that, please post photos of his first shit.  I am bursting with anticipation.  I cannot wait to witness every waking moment of the next 18 years of his life unfold on my timeline.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I Don't

Walgreens has a commercial out right now that pretty much highlights all the reasons I don't see myself getting married.  It shows a married couple sitting at their breakfast table; husband is reading the paper, wife is sitting there being neurotic.

Husband goes to take a bite of his doughnut, then backs off.  Husband goes in again to take a bite when wife snatches it out of his hands, crumbles it into a million little pieces, and flings it across the table.  She then replaces his doughnut with some nasty little lo-cal diet drink.

Now see, that's that bullshit I'm always talking about.  That's his doughnut, his mouth, and his damn gut.  If he wants to continue to grow his belly to the size of a nine-month-pregnant woman, that's within his rights.  He doesn't need a wife/momager to tell him what to eat and when.  Now if he had slapped fire-hell out of her, everyone would have been mad.

For reasons like these, dear readers, I intend on remaining single as long as the law will allow.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Wrap-Around Curtains

I'm watching HGTV this evening, and a show comes on featuring this young couple touring a prospective homes.   When they get to the master bathroom, the wife notices that there is a shower curtain rod in place instead of a door or walk-in shower situation.  Snarkily, the woman says to the realtor, “Oh this will never work.  I hate shower curtains.  I always get all tangled up in them while I’m taking a shower.”

Bitch, what the hell are you doing in the shower that’s causing you to get tangled in the curtains?  Are you leaning on them with all your weight?  Are you twirling?  I've taken many a shower in my day, and never once have I gotten tangled in the curtains.  I could understand if she had said they seem gross or get moldy quickly, or even that she just likes the look of shower doors, but getting tangled?  What kind of fucking klutz are you?

And since we’re on the subject of HGTV, I've got a real gripe with most of their shows.  While I enjoy their programming on the whole, I’m really getting sick and tired of these spoiled, bratty, obnoxious, entitled homeowners.  “Ugh, I hate the way that window lines up with this door.”  Bitch, some people don’t have windows or doors anymore, because they washed into the Atlantic Ocean when Hurricane Sandy came through.  Or “Ugh, we had to spend another $20,000 on kitchen renovations because our contractor made a mistake.”  Slut, please be excited that you even have additional monies to spend on something as unnecessary as a new backsplash.  Some people in our society can barely make rent.  Stop complaining.  And stop getting tangled in the damn curtains!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

My 70 Year Old Boyfriend

By now, you all should know my love of and passion for planning ahead.  I will agree to almost anything, as long as I have 48-72 hours notice.  Same-day requests are basically guaranteed to get vetoed.

With this, I have already mapped out my elderly years.  I'm not sure if I'll be single or widowed by age 93, but I'm telling you this right now:  I'm gonna have me a 70 year old boyfriend.  Oh yes ma'am.  That fool is gonna be upright, agile, and might still be able to drive.  Hell, he might even still be working! Honey, I'm gonna be the talk of the nursing community.  They are ALL going to be jealous, and hate on my relationship with my young boyfriend who still has all of his teeth.

This is why it is so important to work hard to maintain your looks, ladies.  If that fool clocks out early and leaves you in your 80s or 90s all alone, what are you going to do?  Mope around for the remainder of your years?  No ma'am! Go out, get you a solid 76 year old and keep it movin.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year's Resolution

Happy New Year dear birdies and birdettes!  As we face another year on this planet together, the time has come for resolutions-- opportunities to make better choices for your life in the 365 days ahead.

My recommendation is to start with that miserable job of yours.  If getting fired from your job is actually a reasonable alternative, and is not the worst case scenario for your life at this present moment, it’s time to quit.  If you daydream about having more time to search for something new and applying for unemployment benefits while you wait, it’s time to quit.  Why drag in there for the next 52 weeks of your life to be unhappy?  For the money?  You know what that makes you

Let this be the year you no longer whore yourself out.  Take some steps everyday to shape your future.