I Did Her In The Butt

Time to change things up here at Things I Tell Monica.  By popular demand, I am now going to start including pictures in my posts.  Some of the photos will be samples from the internet, but most will be created by me.  I may even add photos to some older posts, so be sure to view the archives -------->

Let's start off our makeover with a recent issue faced by one of my male friends.  He calls me, somewhat upset, over a girl he's dating.  I asked him to describe the problem to me.  Long story short, he had sex with this girl in her butt, now she's not returning his phone calls.

"Well, did you do something to piss her off?" I asked.  "No, nothing!" was his response.  "Well, was it falling apart prior to you having sex with her butt??"  "No, not at all!  We were actually doing really well before that." "Hmmmm....okay....well.....did you enjoy it?"  "Hell yeah!  That shit was great.  I really wanted to do it again."

Bingo.

"You enjoyed it too much.  That's a turnoff to her.  Now she thinks you like butt sex."  "But it was her idea!  She initiated, not me.  I was just going along with it."  "Yeah but you weren't supposed to like it.  She could tell."

The call ended with my friend worried that he had ruined a good thing due to his affinity for passionate butt sex.  He probably has, but don't worry buddy, there are other fish in the sea.

Pending Children

Lately my friends and I have been running into men who are not owning up to all of their spawn.  We'll ask the fair question of how many kids they have, they'll tell us one or none, only to find out months later that they either just had a baby, or just found out about the existence of one.

To alleviate this unfortunate miscommunication, we now ask men how many children they have, and how many pending children they have.  Bitch, how many women are pregnant with a possible child of yours at this very moment?  How many DNA test results are you currently waiting on?  These are important questions because a lot of men seem to think that just because the kid isn't here yet or hasn't been confirmed, they don't technically count.  Well, yes bitch, they do.  And I need to know about all of them so I can make an informed decision.

Trying To Cheat

Ya know, it really annoys me when people try to do dirt, and aren't even good at or confident in their ability to pull it off.  Lately, my friends and I have run into a lot of wannabe cheaters.  Men in committed relationships who are doing the relationship equivalent of sticking their toe in the water to see how cold it is.

It's hilarious to watch, really, because you can see the guilt all over their face as they attempt to arrange a cheat.  That guilt has that face all twisted up, and makes them move in awkward and uncomfortable ways.  Their speech becomes choppy and they seem to scold themselves right after the words slip out of their mouths.  It's the funniest thing ever.

One of my close friends met a guy recently who confessed to having a pair of lips tattooed on his chest.  LIPS people!  Come to find out, he's actually married, and is out here trying to cheat on somebody.  Boy sit down, you have lips on your chest!  How are you out here trying to cheat on somebody with lips on your chest?

Then there was an experience I had of my own.  I ran into an old classmate that I hadn't seen since high school.  He and I exchanged numbers and really just caught up over the phone.  Well, after a pleasant conversation, I got a text message about 30 minutes later from him.......with his shirt off.

Really guy?  To make matters worse, about a week later he changed his relationship status to 'engaged' and posted pics of he and his fiancee's engagement photos!?  I said, "Look at this asshole out here trying to cheat."  And not even any good at it.  What if I had accidentally hit 'share' on that delightful little photo you sent me?  Then what?

Just lousy.

The Seven Second Analysis

You know how they say a woman knows rather or not she wants to sleep with, deal with, be with, or know a man within a few seconds of meeting him?  Well, this is very true!  What varies are the qualifiers each woman is using within that time frame.  My analysis tends to run along the lines of:

Does this man believe in himself?

Is he independent and resourceful?

Does he appear well-groomed and well-nourished?

Is this man taken?

Does he appear to be disenfranchised?

Is this man a strange, rare bird?

Does his life appear to be dictated by his dick?

Is this a man of confidence?

Do his eyes communicate some degree of lunacy?

Does he have a zest for life?

Is this man even human?

Does this man have good sense?


I really don't think this is asking for much, but apparently it is.  I'm even willing to let go of the whole human thing if I can at least get everything else!  Sheesh.

It's Just A Memento

I'm starting to think I should stay out of the grocery store.  Nothing but rare birds there.  Today I'm coming down an aisle and a gentleman walks past me.  He pretends to get something off the shelf, then doubles back in my direction.  "Can you teach me how to coupon?" was his opening line.  I conducted my Seven Second Analysis and decided I was engaged.  But, being the polite person that I am, I thought I'd at least answer his question.  "It's very easy.  You buy the paper, clip the coupons you want, and use them."  "Oh I see.  I didn't really want to know, I just used that as an excuse to talk to you.  Are you married?"

His subsequent question let me know that my analysis was correct.  "Not yet, but soon.  And from the looks of it, you're quite taken yourself."  Homeboy had a gigantic wedding band on his ring finger.  This shit had layers of platinum and what appeared to be black diamonds wrapped all the way around it.  This woman wanted to world to know he was taken.

"Oh this?  You didn't even ask me about this.  If you had asked me I would have told you; This is just a memento."  Oh word?  A memento of what motherfucker?  That little event you went to a few years back where you promised some random chick you'd stay faithful?  The one where everybody got real dressed up? A memento of that?  Do you go home to this memento every night, or is that just a memento too?  The fuck outta here.

I had a good laugh at his expense and carried on with my shopping.

Independent & Resourceful

So I've got this issue going on in my car where the entire back right floorboard has gotten soaked.  Hell if I know how it happened, but I've been through at least 15 towels trying to get the water up.

At any rate, I took the car to the dealership to see if there was anything they could do to help me.  Unfortunately, their service department was closed, but their sex department wasn't.  Out walks this 6'6" man with a 5'4" belly.  "Hello maam, can I help you?"  So I start telling him about the issue I'm having and asking him what I should do to fix it.  We walk over to my car and I open the door so he can reach down and feel the floor.

The door opened, but there was no reaching.  He just stood there and stared at the floor.  "Yeah, looks like you've got a problem."  It didn't look like damn anything.  It looked dry, that's why I needed him to touch it and see how saturated it was.  But he didn't.  So I'm preparing to leave now as he was completely unhelpful when he says to me, "So, are you married?  Single?  What's your situation?  Let me take you out to dinner sometime."  I looked at him, looked at that satchel hanging off the front of him, and said "Suga, I'm unavailable."

Instead of him taking the hint, he continues on, "Well I ain't askin' for much.  I'm just looking for a woman who's independent and resourceful."  Again, I looked at him, looked at that deflated, flap-lopped, saggy belly and said, "Are you those things?"

How dare you ask a woman to be independent when clearly you're not!  You are very dependent on that belly and what it feels like doing that day.  What if you need to take off running?  Do you have that option?  All I can picture is a lifetime of you saying, "Baby, pick that up for me...."  And clearly you're not resourceful, because if you were, you would have done something about that little situation of yours by now.  Who honestly wants to live that way?  And above all, do you think I can picture THAT on top of me?  You ain't bringing nothin' home with that.  Nothing.  But you want a woman who's independent and resourceful?  The fuck outta here.

The Olympic Trials

So the Olympic Trials are on and, much like the Super Bowl, I'm not particularly glued to my television.  I hear there's some real talent out there this year though, and I just might tune in for the gymnastics.

I did manage to catch a few track and field events, and aside from the javelin which looks like a massive spear of death just waiting to land in somebody's temple, I became intrigued by the sprinters and runners.  These men and women are nothing but muscle and speed.

It made me realize that anyone who can run that fast, who desires to run that fast, and who practices running that fast, regularly, has issues.  Think of the amount of pending energy inside a person like this..  They have got to get that shit out of their system somehow honey, and tonight it might be on your face, or worse.

Would you really want to date a man who can run that fast?  Surely there are some scenarios where this would not be beneficial..... I suppose maybe they date each other because who else would really understand?

Sperm Whales

Did you know that some whales can hold their breath for an hour or sometimes longer, underwater?  It's pretty amazing.  You could be sailing along for miles and not know that a whale is swimming right alongside you.

In the dating world, I call men like these Sperm Whales.  Just when you think they've drifted off, never to be seen or heard from again, Boom! They resurface!

It's incredible because they can go for such extended periods of time without contact that YOU think you're in the clear.  But at some point, that whale has got to come up for air, honey, and you end up with a missed call from a mysterious area code...

Why Men Settle Down

I've answered long-standing questions for you all before, and I'm getting ready to answer another one for you!  Many people wonder what causes a man to finally settle down.  Is it age?  Career success?  The "right" woman?  Fate?

Sorry to disappoint, but none of those are the reasons.  The reason a man finally settles down is because he eventually comes to the realization that he cannot reasonably run-it to every fine woman that he sees.

You see, when men are young, they are of the false belief that fine women are in short supply.  For this reason, he tries to sample as many of them as he can, because this might be the last fine one that ever crosses his path.

But then, a funny thing happens around the 2nd quarter of a man's life when he finds himself surrounded by a slew of gorgeous women and he has the epiphany, "I cannot reasonably offer penis to each and every single one of these women."  It is then that he chooses a suitable mate and settles down.

Now don't get it twisted, he'll look forever, but eventually that back will be too tired to throw in all kinds of different directions, and he'll come right on home and fall asleep on the couch.

Gettin' Ugly

As much as I talk about creatures that happen to be tall and fine, today I decided that I am going to seek out and marry an ugly man.

The reason is because I simply could not trust a fine man to walk around unattended, day in and day out.  Fine is fine, and you're fooling yourself if you think that nobody else sees that.  They see it.  And they want it.

Some women are ruthless and shameless in their pursuit of men, married or otherwise.  Why should I have to contend with that?  True enough, it's his responsibility to maintain the faithfulness of his dick, but c'mon...Some women might as well be sirens.

With that said, I'm going to look for a man that is remarkably unattractive to date and marry.  Perhaps our looks will balance out and produce a fairly decent looking kid.  Most important though, is that 9 out of 10 women would reject him.  Kirstie Alley recently announced the same thing, and I think she might be on to something!

Where The Boys Are

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make!  I have the answer to the long-standing question and subsequent mystery, "Where are all the good men?

You ready?

Ladies and Gentlemen, they are:  At Home.  

That's it!  No more, no less.  They're not at the grocery store or the coffee shop or the gym or the library or a lounge or a sports bar or any of those other places people tell single women to go in search of a mate.  No my friends, they are at home.  

They're home just like all the decent, single, eligible women are.  The most eligible women I know rarely get out and about, mostly because they are gainfully employed and engaged in other life-enriching activities.  The same goes for eligible men- they work, they have hobbies, and more than anything else, they have a routine.  That routine usually ends with him taking his happy ass home.  

This is the reason that many of the prime candidates in the dating pool remain single- they don't get out much.  So, instead of joining that dating website or wasting precious time and resources going out night after night, go to your nearest apartment complex and start knocking on some doors.   

7 Minutes of Sex

One of my favorite things to do when I go out is analyze couples from afar.  I can usually tell how new or old a relationship is, and how long it will generally last.

I can also tell how long that funky little sex will last, honey.  Ironically, the couples who hang all over each other in public places are the ones who go home and serve up 7 minutes of some of the most tired, little funky ass sex you will ever witness.  Think Kim and Ray-J.

On the other hand, those couples that seem to have a quiet chemistry, an understanding, good conversation and lots of laughter, are the ones who are going home making us all jealous.

So, the next time you're out in public and some couple is slobbing each other down, don't fret, cause if she's lucky, she's about to get 7 minutes of tired thrusting, then he's going to sleep on her.  

Stalker Acquistion

People often ask me why I don't go out much or why I won't go on a simple date from time to time when asked. The main reason is because I'm trying to keep my stalker count low.


In this life, you have to know yourself, and you have to know the effect you have on people.  One effect I know for sure that I have on people, is the one that causes them to tell me their life stories within a few short minutes.  The other effect I seem to have is one that generates instant stalkers.

Any time I go out with a man I'm not all that interested in, I almost always acquire a new stalker.  I think it's the mixture of independence, good breeding, and childlessness that makes them think, "She must be the one!"

Well, I'm not.

The next few weeks are usually filled with frantic texts, phone calls, and Facebook messages, trying to determine "where we stand."  Bitch, we don't stand anywhere.  It was one date.

That being said, I turn down more than dates than I agree to, because I'm really not trying to add any more stalkers to the roster.

Competing For Dick (You Are Not The Prize)

I feel really sorry for single women in today's dating market.  Truly, there are slim pickings.  If the men aren't busy wearing dread wigs, sending dick pics, or taking shirtless photos, they're highly eligible, and therefore, scarce.

With this scarcity comes competition, and it has created a whole host of highly feminized men.  Feminized in the sense that they want to be pampered, catered to, coddled, chased, and essentially, courted.  

With all due respect, Bitch, you are not the prize.

I absolutely refuse to compete for dick.  Why should I? I am the prize, not you.  You should be competing for me, the way nature intended.  If more women would adopt this philosophy, their lives would be ten times happier.  Instead, they enter into these petty little competitions with each other while this fool sits back and reaps all the benefits.  Damn that.  

Ladies, the next time you find yourselves in a situation like this, kindly look at your competitor and say, "You got it" and walk away.  That'll knock that ego down a few notches.  

Bad Luck Birds

I have run into a lot of folks in my time who, within the first 15 minutes of knowing them, have told me their entire life stories, that happen to be filled with a series of unfortunate events.  I call these people Bad Luck Birds.  

One time I met a guy who seemed normal enough.  On the first phone call, he informed me that he had been laid off twice in the past year, totaled his car-shattering his left knee in the process, been wrongfully arrested, and lost his best friend in a boating accident.  Oh yeah, and he's partially blind in his left eye with no hope of correction.  And you're 30.

Baby, I don't want to hang out with you.  You've got bad luck.  Imma need for some of that to rub off before I'll even set foot in a car with you.  Damn thing might run off the road.

Now, please don't get me wrong.  I understand that everyone goes through things from time to time, and that it sometimes pours when it rains, but damn.  Can you keep some of that to yourself, please?  What exactly am I supposed to say in response to these things?

This is the kinda stuff I run into, which is why I generally stay my ass at home.

Online Dating Tips (For Men)

Many well-intentioned men have trouble securing dates in the online arena.  This post is dedicated to them, and will hopefully shine some light on the blind spots in their dating pursuits.

Often times, guys, it's the little things that turn a woman off.  Please review the list below, and if any of the following behaviors plague your online dating profile, correct them, and watch the women roll in!

1.  She can't see your eyes.  A lot of men like to wear sunglasses in their pictures.  This is fine, as long as you've got some photos posted that show your eyes.  If a woman can't see your eyes, she can't trust you.  Do you trust a person whose eyes you cannot see?  Why are you wearing glasses indoors anyway?  Are your eyes bloodshot?  Are they squinty or too close together?  Are they crossed?  You see the list of questions this behavior generates?  Take those glasses off and let her see your eyes, Suga.

2.  You don't capitalize your own name.  You may not realize it, but this is a sign of your self-confidence, or lack thereof.  If you don't think you're important enough to capitalize your own name, why should she?  It is also a sign of laziness, because you can't be bothered to simply push 'Shift.'  If you are lazy regarding yourself, I'm sure you are lazy in other areas as well.

3.  Poor Language Arts skills.  Although this is the information/technology age, proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation still matter.  If you are a grown man still using broken English, this is a poor reflection of your intelligence and overall character.  Further, a smart woman will want a smart man raising her children.  She has to trust that those bedtime stories will be read correctly, and pass down good language habits to her children.  If I ever hear my husband pronounce 'though' as 'doe' to my kids, the marriage is over.

4.  Women in pictures.  A woman does not have time to determine rather or not that woman in the photo with you is your sister, mother, niece, coworker, best friend, aunt, etc.  If you give the illusion that you are already surrounded with women, a woman will think there's no room for her, and move on to the next profile.  Plus, we can all see that you think you're the cock-of-the-walk, and it's not working.  Please stop.

5.  Inappropriate pictures.  Similar to having women in your photographs, pictures of you with your shirt off or holding guns are probably not going to appeal to the respectable woman.  Your inbox may fill with women of a lesser caliber, but not the type of women you'd want to marry.  It's all about what you're trying to attract.  Furthermore, all I can visualize is you reaching for one of those guns when you get good and pissed off with me, and you probably won't have a shirt on when you do it.

6.  Unflattering pictures.  These are the infamous bathroom pics, or the one-sided, one-angled photo that even you know is not attractive.  You justify these photos by saying things like, "Well if a woman really wants me for me, this picture shouldn't matter."  Well, it does matter.  It is all about breeding, you know, and a woman wants to make sure she gives her children the best chance possible.  The shape of your head and the knock of your knees matter.  Be fair in giving a woman a fair chance in deciding who she wants to mate with.

7.  Telling the woman off.  So many men in their online dating profiles, proceed to tell off each woman who visits the page.  They present a dissertation devoted to who they DON'T want to contact them, and by the end of it, have eliminated every woman on earth.  I'm pretty sure their inboxes sit empty.  There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want, but your current presentation is very off-putting to the average woman.  Hell, it's off-putting to the average person. You sound uptight, rigid, and unforgiving.  Ask yourself, "Would I wanna hang out with me after reading my profile?"

8.  Inappropriate screen name.  Screen names that reflect your loneliness, your private bedroom habits, or your anger at the world, say more about you and your mental state than your profile does.  Women like mature, reasonable men.  If your screen name includes any body part, you are probably not the man for her.  Names like breakherbackin44, kingdingaling69, and pleaselovemexoxoxo are not whistling Dixie.  You might be a great person, but your screen name might as well be a big red 'X' on your forehead.

In closing, while it is important to be yourself, be aware that doing so has consequences that you may not desire.  At best, the women you want will not visit your page.  At worst, you will attract the women you don't want, and quite possibly, create a lifetime of headaches because of it.  The choice is yours.  What kind of woman do you want in your life?

Smile, Sweetie

The world of online dating intrigues me.  Aside from the fact that it's filled with precious, rare birds, it gives you the unique opportunity to see how people choose to present themselves to the world.

One form of presentation that really tickles me are the men who don't smile in their pictures.  They really expect a woman to write and/or respond to them with that sad little look on their faces.

What's wrong, Suga?  Somebody run over your puppy?  Life got ya down?  Why in the world would I wanna hang out with you when you look like any minute now, you're going to end it all?

And again, these will be the same men saying that "Women don't know what they want," or "Yall don't know a good man when you see one."  Well, yes I do, and he is usually smiling when I see him.  Further, I can't picture your non-smiling ass on top of me, as you will probably be depressed in the bedroom as well.

What Else Can You Do?

Nothing makes me laugh quite as hard as when a man comes up to me and says, "Baby, I can put it on you.  I can give you what you need.  I got that good dick."  

Please, spare me.

In the past, once I finished laughing in their faces, I realized I didn't have a witty comeback other than 'Get the fuck outta here.'  Then, the following phrase and life philosophy was born:

"Sweetheart, with all due respect, I've had good dick, and I've had bad dick.  Therefore, I've had every kind of dick there is in between by default.  I already know what you're working with.  That being said, what else can you do?"

This simple phrase and subsequent question usually leaves them speechless and they walk away. Perfect.  But seriously, what else can you do?  Can you change my flat tire and put oil in my car?  Do you know the difference between a phillips-head and a flat-head screwdriver?  Can you slice a whole watermelon?  Can you fix my computer?  How about install a shower rod, can you do that?  Can you put together a functionally and grammatically correct sentence? Can you mow a lawn without streaks?  I'm just sayin, what else can you offer me other than that lotus flower you call a dick?

Too many men lean on their sexual prowess to impress women, and to say the least honey, I am a little less than impressed.

Spark and Spunk

Nicki Minaj has a song out called 'Your Love.'  It's one of my favorite songs for many reasons.  The chorus has a line in it that says, "You got spark, you you got spunk, you got somethin' all the girls want."

I'm not sure if Nicki realized what she was writing, but a truer statement hasn't been written recently.  Can I pleaaaase get a man that possesses both spark and spunk?

I've dated men who were all spark, and no spunk.  In other words, you're an effing dork who has no edge whatsoever, and you're probably supremely uptight.  You wear your pants up under your ribs and you tuck your shirt in.  I make a joke, and not only do you not get it, you launch into the theory of relativity and basically do all you can to disprove my joke and flaunt your intelligence.  The fuck outta here.

Then, I've dated guys who are all spunk, and no spark, honey.  In other words, you're a meathead.  You're on box-of-rocks status.  Now, you've got swagger and you dress well and you're fun to be around, but as soon as I drop a word like 'anomaly' on you, you're lookin' at me like my whole face just turned green.  This is not going to work either.

I really need a man who has a healthy balance of spark and spunk to be happy.  I know they exist, and I just hope one is on reserve for me.