Sunday, April 21, 2013

It Doesn't Matter

Stumbled across this little gem in a mailer that came to my house the other day.  This chick has a vice grip on this dude.  I was taken aback by the pose because typically men are the ones who wrap themselves completely around the woman's waist.  And even with that,  most people leave one hand free. This is a  photo of a woman who is holding on for dear life.   Unfortunately, Suga,  that death grip of yours ain't preventing a damn thing.   He and his penis are still gonna do what they wanna do.  And based on that locked and loaded hand positioning,  he'll be doing his own thing very soon.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Bitch Better Have My Money

I really try not to be a petty person.  Life is too short to hold onto grudges over insignificant things.

But I am truly bothered by a situation with one of my coworkers.  Last week she comes to me and says, "Hey Lucas?  Do you have a dollar?"  I wanted to say, "Why, yes.  Yes I do.  Do you?"  ya know, cause I hate it when people try to get in my pockets.  Well she continues, "I didn't eat lunch today and want to get something out of the vending machine."  Again, I wanted to say, "I'm having trouble seeing where I fit into this equation."  But I knew the little hooker was asking me for a dollar, so I gave it to her.

As she took the money she says "I'll pay you back."  I jokingly(?) responded "Oh I know you will, I know where you work!"  It was all smiles as she scurried to the vending machine and got her little bird food.  I continued on with my day, confident my dollar would be returned to me within 24 hours or so.  I've loaned out dollars before, and have always had them given back.

It has now been 9 days and this bitch hasn't given me my dollar back.  I have literally seen her everyday, and there's been no mention of it.  Bitch, did you blackout or something?  You don't recall asking me for money last week?  You're're just not going to give it back at all??  For real???

Folks, I have tried to forget my dollar, I really have.  I've told myself it's a charity write-off.  I've asked myself what Jesus would do.  I've tried to convince myself that that dollar would be long gone by now anyway.  None of this is working!  It was my dollar, you guilted me into giving it to you, and now you're not gonna give it back??

All I know is

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

I Did Her In The Butt

Time to change things up here at Things I Tell Monica.  By popular demand, I am now going to start including pictures in my posts.  Some of the photos will be samples from the internet, but most will be created by me.  I may even add photos to some older posts, so be sure to view the archives -------->

Let's start off our makeover with a recent issue faced by one of my male friends.  He calls me, somewhat upset, over a girl he's dating.  I asked him to describe the problem to me.  Long story short, he had sex with this girl in her butt, now she's not returning his phone calls.

"Well, did you do something to piss her off?" I asked.  "No, nothing!" was his response.  "Well, was it falling apart prior to you having sex with her butt??"  "No, not at all!  We were actually doing really well before that." "Hmmmm....okay....well.....did you enjoy it?"  "Hell yeah!  That shit was great.  I really wanted to do it again."


"You enjoyed it too much.  That's a turnoff to her.  Now she thinks you like butt sex."  "But it was her idea!  She initiated, not me.  I was just going along with it."  "Yeah but you weren't supposed to like it.  She could tell."

The call ended with my friend worried that he had ruined a good thing due to his affinity for passionate butt sex.  He probably has, but don't worry buddy, there are other fish in the sea.