Seriously, What Are You?

When we are kids, we are quickly taught what certain things are, so we don't question them, and so we're not afraid of them.  One of the first things we learn about are animals.  That's a cat, that's a dog, that's a bird, so forth and so on.

Had it not been for this indoctrination, we might have found ourselves saying, "What the fuck is that?" more often than not as we lived from year to year.

Well, I find myself saying, "What the fuck is that?" now, even though I know what you supposedly are.  Walk with me people...seriously, what the fuck is a giraffe?  Really take a step back and look at a giraffe.  What is it?  Are you a horse?

Then there's the platypus.  Have you ever seen a platypus?  It looks like a duck mated with a wolverine.  And yet, we point to it and say "There's a platypus" and everyone accepts it.

I'm not even going to get on Octopi.

All I'm saying is that if you weren't told these things as children, we'd be rather freaked out by the world around us.  Chew on that next time you look at a centipede.

The Seven Year Rule

They say the human body's skin cells completely replace themselves once every seven years or so.  This means that by the end of this time frame, you are essentially a completely new you.  For me, this means that if I slept with you seven years or longer ago, the shit never happened.  My vagina has been completely renovated, and there is no longer any trace of you or the seven minutes of sex we may have had.  I am so serious about this rule that I am pretty sure I could pass a lie detector test if questioned.

So, that questionable encounter from the 90s?  Gone.  That ex you wish you'd never met in the first place?  History.  That wild weekend  in Vegas?  Non-existent.  As long as it was 2006 or prior.

The Problem With Money

Welp, the PowerBall drawing just passed, and there are a lot of grumpy non-millionaires out there this week.  Buck up! While this Jackpot might not be yours, there will always be chances at others.

I personally don't think the average citizen needs access to that kind of money.  We already know that half of them are the rarest of the rare birds, and the others are just flat-out fucking crazy.  Aside from that, the real problem with having money is that it takes away all of life's usual worries, and replaces them with the scariest thing of all:  yourself.

When you are rolling in dough, you don't have to worry so much about bills and getting up, going to work everyday.  If your car breaks down, you either have another car(s) or you have an ample supply of money to repair your vehicle.  You can pay your utility and service bills months or years in advance.  Your home(s) might be paid for in full, leaving only the property taxes.  If you get sick you can afford top quality healthcare.  Your kids' tuition was paid for before they were born.  And on and on and on.  In short, you are not worried about survival.  

When this basic worry is removed, it frees the mind up to meet itself.  This is a horrifying prospect for most people, which is why they either can't stand to be alone, or remain extremely busy so as not to get still too long.  When you get still is when all the issues come out, honey.

Why do you think so many rich people are on the hardest drugs money can buy?  Or into super-kinky freak sex?  They've been left alone with themselves too long.  Probably with no one really checking in.  Why do you think they get into petty cat-fights for the world to see on reality television?  They don't have anything else to do.  This leaves nothing but interpersonal issues to address.  Barring some natural disaster or severe mismanagement of the funds, the only thing the rich really have to worry about is keeping themselves alive.

So friends, if you didn't win this time, just be thankful that you've still got your life and all its issues to anchor you in reality.  Once your worries are gone, your increase your likelihood of becoming a weirdo.

Giving Them Ideas

I was watching the sorry-ass news this morning, and they did an expose 'alerting' shoppers to a new scam involving gift cards.  I won't give the details of the scam here, because then I would be acting just like them.

The point of it all is that the news basically gave you a step-by-step breakdown of how to complete this particular scam.  It's something the average person would never think of, and yet, is such a simple scam.  I couldn't believe the news laid it out for them, just like that.  It's something a part-time or lazy criminal could pull off.

This is not the first time the news or media in general has given people ideas.  I believe all crime-related shows are nothing more than reverse training.  Here's what NOT to do, so you don't get caught.  I believe all of these shows should be removed from the airways.  One, because it truly is giving these fools ideas and Two, I just don't think meditating on murder is healthy.

Update! Death Adder

This is something I haven't really done until now, but I think it's high time to bring to the attention of my wonderful readers, things we've already discussed that are now gaining national attention.  It's important to know that you will hear many things here, first, before the rest of the world catches on!

So let's begin.  Today they ran a story about 5 Hour Energy drinks and how they may be linked to 13 deaths, possibly more.

Ummm, didn't we discuss this already in a post entitled Death Adder?  I mean, are you surprised?  Aren't you kind of asking for it in a way, if you consume this beverage?  Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a fine energy beverage.  I am not entirely against them.  However, one should make sure they are healthy enough to drink them, and more important, one should not consume 8 of those bitches in one day.

My advice to you all is to stock up on your favorite brand, because as this keeps happening, the FDA will eventually ban them and energy drinks will be the new crack!

Boo-Hoo-Hoo For Your Choices!

Tonight I accidentally began watching No Country For Old Men.  Indeed it's not, because EVERYONE was dead within the first five minutes of that bitch.

Aside from that, the main character happened to stumble across a group of dead drug dealers and their load of cash.  One of the men was barely clinging to life and he kept asking for water.  Well, buddy didn't have any water.  So, he takes the money and hightails it out of there.  The movie could have ended here, because he got home Scot-free and about 2 million dollars richer.

Welp, some people just aren't satisfied until they get that ass broken off.  Our new millionaire was lying in bed, tossing and turning because he couldn't get the thirsty dope-peddler out of his mind.  Instead of laying there, shaking it off, and planning his move out of town, homeboy gets out of bed, fills a gallon jug full of water, and returns to the scene of the crime.

Naturally, the perpetrators return to the scene juuuuust as he was about to deliver the water.  They chase him down, shoot at him, sic their dog on him, and make that man swim like Michael Phelps across some raging rapids to his almost certain death.  By a very thin thread, he escapes.  Now he's on the run from both the law and some bloodthirsty drug dealers.

Now, you may feel inclined to feel sorry for this individual, but I don't.  Boo-Hoo-Hoo-De-Damn-Hoo for your choices! You chose to carry your ass back out there.  You chose to deliver your water slowly and by foot.  You chose to take those people's money.  You chose that shit, so I really don't feel all that sorry for you.

I've never seen this movie before, so it'll be interesting to see how it all turns out.  But I want you all to start thinking in terms of Boo-Hoo-Hoo for your choices.  When that coworker, friend, family member, or complete stranger starts loading you down with their life's issues, sort out those that they had no control over, and those that they had complete control over.  You too will be saying Boo-Hoo-Hoo!

Kidnap Comfort

I'm just sayin', if I find myself in a kidnapping-style situation, I'm really gonna try to make the most of it.  It's like an involuntary vacation.  How can your job be mad at you if you've been kidnapped?  They can't fire you for that.  Cooking, cleaning, other household chores?  Sorry kids, not while I'm kidnapped.

I'm going to try and reason with my kidnappers.  Can we stop off by Wal-Mart and get some trial sized items, please?  I know I'm gonna want to brush my teeth after a few days.  Soap is definitely in order, as well as some hand sanitizer.  I'd also like to pick up a few snacks and some bottled water.

Why make life difficult for each other?  This doesn't have to be dramatic.  You're holding me for ransom or whatever, I'm just chillin until you get whatever it is you need.  In the meantime, I can provide a listening ear and perhaps some helpful tips for life.  This can be a mutually beneficial situation.

It's all about planning ahead, people.

Lucas After Dark: That's A Whole Lotta Fuckin'

Have you ever looked out across a crowded stadium and considered just how much fuckin' went into producing all those human beings?  I mean, really stop and think about it.  Every single person you see in those stands is the result of some tired ass lil' fuckin'.

This is truly mind-boggling if you take the time to give it some serious thought.  Sex created all of these people, and I guarantee you most of it wasn't gratifying.  The sheer number of people on this earth makes it seem like human beings don't do anything else with their free time.  And we have the nerve to criticize rabbits.  Ha!

Someone Worth Reproducing

The other day a good friend of mine asked me "So when are you going to have kids?  You aren't getting any younger you know."  I laughed and calmly replied, "When I find somebody worth reproducing."  "Yeah I know what you mean, it's hard to find someone worth having kids with" she said.  "Oh honey, you misunderstood me.  I didn't say anything about 'with.'  I said when I find somebody worth reproducing, period."

Baffled on the other end of the phone, I explained to my friend that I will have children when I meet a man who is worth bringing to planet earth once more.  He needs to be such a great person that the world could benefit from him being here again.  And if he comes back in the form of a female, at least she'll possess his traits, which the world could use more of.

I think if more women thought this way, we'd have a lower population of idiots.  Instead, women carelessly reproduce children from men whose legacies really should end with them. So the next time you're thinking of "hooking up" with someone all wild and free, ask yourself if this person really needs to be here again.  I bet you'll reconsider.

Sex's Got You Broke

For those of you not native to the southern region of America, this title reads:  Sex Has Got You Broke.  And it has.

One shining example is Mr. Chad Ochocinco, who was recently arrested and released on bond for headbutting his new wife, Evelyn "I'm About That Life" Lozada.  Great.  And why did he headbutt her?  Because they were arguing over a receipt she found for a freshly purchased box of condoms.  Not only was he arrested and is now facing charges, he was dropped from the Miami Dolphins this morning AND had his reality show with Evelyn put on an indefinite hiatus.

I remember a moment during this season of Basketball Wives, when Chad told Evelyn, "I'm only marrying you cause you got good pu$$y.  It ain't cause you're cute."  Evelyn laughed it off and I'm sure dismissed it as Chad being Chad.  But no, he was serious, and he meant every word he said.  And now look at yourself.  Chasing around after some damn sex has got you broke.  If not broke, it has certainly terminated some income streams for you.  I hope that shit was worth it, and I hope you invested the money you did make, well!

Let's explore the issue a little further though.  How else can sex get you broke?  Let's take a trip to the grocery store to find out the answer.  You're standing at checkout along with three little bad ass children, running around the displays, knocking shit over, bobbing and weaving around your cart.  You look at their momma and she doesn't exactly look like she's banking.  On top of that, she looks exhausted.  And for what?  All for some lil' funky ass sex.  Sex got her in the predicament she's in today.  Married or not married, sex is what ultimately has her in this position.  Now she'll be broke x3, perhaps for the rest of her life!  Naturally, the same applies to males who simply must raw-dog it with every woman they meet, and therefore, have 4 kids by 3 different women.  Their pockets will be turned inside out from here till kingdom come.

How else can sex get you broke?  It can get you broke when that happy little marriage of yours gets ruined and dragged through divorce court all because you couldn't keep your peter in your pan.  Now you've got lawyer fees, assets to divide up, rent to pay in two places, so forth and so on.  All because of some lil' dry ass, insufficient sex.  Are we starting to get the picture here?

So we're losing jobs, spreading our money thin, going to divorce court and sometimes jail, all for some sex?  Dayum.  As a society, don't you think this is a little pathetic?  That something that really only lasts about 7 minutes dictates our lives to the point where it affects us financially?  That's just tragic.

The Donkey-Dicked Strut

There is a certain walk a man possesses when he really has his shit together and believes in it.  This walk is called the Donkey-Dicked Strut.

The Donkey-Dicked Strut originated by possessors of said donkey-dicks.  The stride is cool and easy, never hurried.  There's a grace and a rhythm to it.  This person doesn't appear to have a care in the world, and why should they?  They have donkey-dicks! 

Pretty soon, average sized men started to realize that 90% of the reason men with the DDS were more successful than them was all in the attitude these guys possessed.  They learned from their sisters and other female friends that most women don't really want donkey-dicked fools, and that those who have donkey-dicks don't know how to work them half the time.  These men realized that if they could just mimic the walk, success would surely follow.  

And the Donkey-Dicked Strut was born.  There is a guy in my office with a Donkey-Dicked Strut.  He walks around the place like he has not a care in this world.  They could fire him and he'd stroll out of there at the same pace he strolled in.  Totally unfazed.  Rather he has a donkey dick or not, who knows?  All that matters is he comes across like he does!  

Practice makes perfect, so work on your Donkey-Dicked Strut, everyday!

Throwing The Dick With Confidence

I've been trying to keep up with my online dating lately, and the online dating scene is a pitiful sight to see.  It is filled with grown men who've never grown up, thirsty wannabees, strange, precious, rare birds, the disenfranchised, and outright losers.  I think I hate it so much because everyone is essentially selling themselves, and they're not doing a good job at it.  There's such a pathetic desperation behind each profile, with the exception of a rare few.

Among the lump are a few men who don't look like they can throw the dick worth a damn.  They stand there with their lips poked out and a look on their face that reads "Love me, please?"  I will not love you, because you sir, don't even look like you satisfy yourself.  I need a man who looks and acts like he can throw the dick with some confidence!  A man who stands up straight, not hunched over and all scared lookin.'  A man who allows his whole face to be seen.  A man who cares enough to get that gut in order.  A man who looks like his life is headed in the right general direction.

Now, a few of my readers have accused me of hating men, and I assure you this is not the case.  I love men, I hate what they've become.  This is one sorry ass crop these women turned out about 30 years ago.  They should collectively be ashamed of themselves.  If you are a good man who's reading this, be a light unto your male community, please, for us all.  Inspire some of those shiftless friends of yours to be a little better.  Otherwise, who will your daughters marry?

Sympathy Level

In life, we all make mistakes.  Nobody is perfect, and we all fall from grace from time to time.  For this reason, I tend not to judge too harshly, for we are all human.

That being said, there are times when I may not be judging you, but my sympathy level for you drops and hovers right around zero.  Recently, a woman was "mauled" by cheetahs at a South African reserve.  I say "mauled" because she is alive and well, and did not suffer any life-threatening injuries.  Really, they just chewed on her a bit.

Initially, my sympathy level was at 10, because I thought it was some sort of freak accident.  However, upon getting more details about the story, my sympathy level dropped to about a 2.  Apparently, the people told her these were "tame" cheetahs, and that it would be perfectly fine to pet them, kneel down by them, and rub their heads.  So she did.  And look what happened.

Bitch, are you out of your mind?  Those people could have told me they were deaf, dumb, and blind cheetahs and I still wouldn't have gotten my ass in there with them.  What part of that picture looks safe to you?  And since we're on the subject of pictures, her husband stood there and took pictures of the whole incident instead of jumping in there and saving his wife!  What, did he think it was cute?  Was he happy his wife was about to be offed by some cheetahs?  Whatever the reason, my sympathy level is now at 0.

So you see folks, when you make remarkably dumb decisions, or when you keep making the same dumb decisions, over and over again, it makes it very hard for people to feel sorry for you.  Just sayin.

Papoose Boards

Tonight I watched a story on Inside Edition that exposed a dentist for the use of Papoose Boards.  These boards are basically full-body child restraint systems that prevent them from flailing all about when the dentist is, I dunno, trying to drill your teeth?  Anyway, the parents, who all signed waivers, were outraged because their children are now traumatized from the experience.

You've really got to see one in action to fully appreciate this tool.  They may never admit it, but I know there are some parents out there who watched that story and thought to themselves, "Where can I get one of those?"

Some children are so damn bad they need to be papoosed.  It is the ultimate timeout.  It is non-violent, it prevents the child from harming themselves and others, and it prevents the destruction of property.  It could be used in classrooms worldwide to control unruly students.  If they won't sit still or keep their hands to themselves, papoose them and lean them up against the wall.  They can wriggle all they want to, but still they shall be.  And when you are completely restrained like that, all you can think of are your life's choices, and how they led you to this point.

I'm just saying, we could be on the leading edge of a non-violent discipline movement.  Check out the video and judge for yourself:  Papoose Boards

They Don't Care About You

I honestly cannot wait to become a mother.  In due time of course, but I'm really looking forward to the process.  Especially the part when they begin to comprehend and retain what I am saying to them.

I am going to teach them all kinds of life lessons, including a very important one about being a pedestrian.  The lesson is:  Sweetheart, these people don't care about you.  And even if they do care about you, they don't see you.  


Half of the people on the road really do not give a fuck about you.  This is a true statement.  Their sentiment is, "Get your ass out of the road and you won't get hit."  The other half actually do value your life more than you do, but THEY DO NOT SEE YOU.  Either your clothes are too dark or they're texting or you're in their blind spot, or they just passed out, or whatever.  At any rate, you as the pedestrian have the greatest duty to protect your life, so take those earbuds out of your ears and be on the lookout for stupid.

Sperm Whales

Did you know that some whales can hold their breath for an hour or sometimes longer, underwater?  It's pretty amazing.  You could be sailing along for miles and not know that a whale is swimming right alongside you.

In the dating world, I call men like these Sperm Whales.  Just when you think they've drifted off, never to be seen or heard from again, Boom! They resurface!

It's incredible because they can go for such extended periods of time without contact that YOU think you're in the clear.  But at some point, that whale has got to come up for air, honey, and you end up with a missed call from a mysterious area code...

"Beating The Pu**y Up" As A Form Of Domestic Assault

Quite a few of you should be pressing charges when you get up off of your backs.

The reason is because a lot of your men are using your va-jay-jays as personal punching bags.  They can't punch you, so they punch your pu**y!  And they know this is a completely legitimate form of aggression!

Think about it.  If we really sat down and had a heart to heart, you'd be forced to admit that there were times you wondered if that fool was dealing with a full deck.  That there were times he was doing way too much, and that your moans had turned into murmurs--of pain.  But you lied to yourself and told yourself  "he's just passionate" or "he's so turned on he can't help it" or "he's such a great lover!"  No honey, he's violent, and he just let it out on your crotch.

Many women find this behavior cute!  "Oooh he beat it up, girl," or "Yeah, he tore it up!"  You sound silly, and there's nothing cute about having your uterus knocked out of alignment.  Get your life together, and stop allowing your lady parts to be abused!

Rabbits

I am of the opinion that speeders are better drivers.  Naturally, I am very aware of the many accidents that have been caused by speeding, and the many tickets that have been issued, but usually there was some other factor involved.  Factors like, speeding and looking down.  Speeding and talking to your neighbor.  Speeding and texting.  Speeding and drinking.  These combos rarely work out well.

I'm talking about speeders who are of sober mind and body.  Speeders who are actively watching, planning, and predicting what these dumb-asses are about to do.  People who speed generally can anticipate what another person is about to do better than people who don't speed.  Why is this?

It's because when you're speeding, you know you're going fast as hell, and you have to pay even more attention than that asshole who's going approximately the speed limit.  Have you ever seen what happens when people see cops?  Suddenly, traffic that was moving so smoothly, comes to a screeching halt, and a lot of complicated and awkward driving ensues.  Probably a lot of rear-ending as well.

Furthermore, when people are driving slowly or going the speed limit, they tend to be more distracted because they aren't moving that fast.  They're more inclined to fool with the ipod or text or eat or, generally, not pay-the-fuck-attention.  When you're moving at a high rate of speed, you are a little more motivated to pay-the-fuck-attention.

I know some of you won't like this, and you resent those who go flying past you.  My advice is, use them!  They are your rabbits my friend.  If the speed limit is 45 and they're clearly doing 80, the cop is not going to notice you doing 50.  He's gonna go after the rabbit while you sail on by.

Turn Signals

At this point in time, aren't there some very pertinent turn signals that are missing from our motor vehicles?  Things like a 'U-Turn Signal.'  Don't people need to know you're planning on popping a U-ey? I can't tell you how many near-misses I've seen due to the lack of a U-Turn signal.

While we're at it, they need to develop a 'Straight-Across Signal.' Sometimes I don't want to go right or left..sometimes I want to go straight.  Have you ever had the experience of staring at another vehicle wondering what the hell they're about to do?  They're looking at you, you're looking at them...... See, if they had a straight across signal, you'd know what their intentions were.

I should run for President.

Team-Building

I'm just sayin, I think we'd all be a little bit more humble if we had to go to work naked one day out of the week.

Think about it:  What kind of drama could you possibly have that day?  What more is there to say?  I mean, here I am and there you are and well.....there you have it.

What could be a better team-building than that?