Saturday, April 28, 2012

Papoose Boards

Tonight I watched a story on Inside Edition that exposed a dentist for the use of Papoose Boards.  These boards are basically full-body child restraint systems that prevent them from flailing all about when the dentist is, I dunno, trying to drill your teeth?  Anyway, the parents, who all signed waivers, were outraged because their children are now traumatized from the experience.

You've really got to see one in action to fully appreciate this tool.  They may never admit it, but I know there are some parents out there who watched that story and thought to themselves, "Where can I get one of those?"

Some children are so damn bad they need to be papoosed.  It is the ultimate timeout.  It is non-violent, it prevents the child from harming themselves and others, and it prevents the destruction of property.  It could be used in classrooms worldwide to control unruly students.  If they won't sit still or keep their hands to themselves, papoose them and lean them up against the wall.  They can wriggle all they want to, but still they shall be.  And when you are completely restrained like that, all you can think of are your life's choices, and how they led you to this point.

I'm just saying, we could be on the leading edge of a non-violent discipline movement.  Check out the video and judge for yourself:  Papoose Boards

Friday, April 27, 2012

They Don't Care About You

I honestly cannot wait to become a mother.  In due time of course, but I'm really looking forward to the process.  Especially the part when they begin to comprehend and retain what I am saying to them.

I am going to teach them all kinds of life lessons, including a very important one about being a pedestrian.  The lesson is:  Sweetheart, these people don't care about you.  And even if they do care about you, they don't see you.  

Half of the people on the road really do not give a fuck about you.  This is a true statement.  Their sentiment is, "Get your ass out of the road and you won't get hit."  The other half actually do value your life more than you do, but THEY DO NOT SEE YOU.  Either your clothes are too dark or they're texting or you're in their blind spot, or they just passed out, or whatever.  At any rate, you as the pedestrian have the greatest duty to protect your life, so take those earbuds out of your ears and be on the lookout for stupid.

Milk Bags

For the life of me, I can't understand why anyone would purposely attach unnecessarily sized breasts to the front of their body.  These things are heavy, they make your back hurt, and they make you look fatter than you actually are.

Celebrities with these F and G installments would like to have us believe that they are happy with their decisions.  With all due respect, Bitch please.  You can't even roll over onto your stomach, how could you possibly be happy?

My mother affectionately refers to these ridiculously sized breasts as "milk bags."  The term is fitting to say the least, and women who do this to themselves on purpose are somewhere in my top 20 list of dumbest people on the planet.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Sperm Whales

Did you know that some whales can hold their breath for an hour or sometimes longer, underwater?  It's pretty amazing.  You could be sailing along for miles and not know that a whale is swimming right alongside you.

In the dating world, I call men like these Sperm Whales.  Just when you think they've drifted off, never to be seen or heard from again, Boom! They resurface!

It's incredible because they can go for such extended periods of time without contact that YOU think you're in the clear.  But at some point, that whale has got to come up for air, honey, and you end up with a missed call from a mysterious area code...

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

"Beating The Pu**y Up" As A Form Of Domestic Assault

Quite a few of you should be pressing charges when you get up off of your backs.

The reason is because a lot of your men are using your va-jay-jays as personal punching bags.  They can't punch you, so they punch your pu**y!  And they know this is a completely legitimate form of aggression!

Think about it.  If we really sat down and had a heart to heart, you'd be forced to admit that there were times you wondered if that fool was dealing with a full deck.  That there were times he was doing way too much, and that your moans had turned into murmurs--of pain.  But you lied to yourself and told yourself  "he's just passionate" or "he's so turned on he can't help it" or "he's such a great lover!"  No honey, he's violent, and he just let it out on your crotch.

Many women find this behavior cute!  "Oooh he beat it up, girl," or "Yeah, he tore it up!"  You sound silly, and there's nothing cute about having your uterus knocked out of alignment.  Get your life together, and stop allowing your lady parts to be abused!

Sunday, April 15, 2012


The world is at a real deficit for people who know how to listen well.  I have found that my closest friends, and the men who I become most attracted to, are the ones who are good listeners.

Nothing is more self-centered than a person who won't let you get a word in edgewise, or who will listen to you speak, then completely change the subject on their next breath.  Usually that breath involves them in some way.  They then take the conversation and run down the street with it.

I love good conversation, as I've mentioned before.  Nothing is more satisfying than a mutual exchange of ideas. More often though, it's someone whose off-switch is not working, or whose thought process is revolving entirely around themselves.  Or they pretend to listen, then respond with a simple-ass 'uh-huh.'  Gee thanks.

If this blog accomplishes nothing else, I hope it will accomplish the goal of restoring some decency and courtesy to our modern world.

Free Time To Scam

I recently learned of all the different things certain groups of criminals will do in an effort to scam the auto industry in general.  They will "clone" cars, arrange accidents, and hit their own cars with hammers to make it look like hail damage.

As I sat and listened to how elaborate each scam is, I thought to myself, "Who has the free time for this?"  Good God, have you any idea the amount of effort and energy it takes to clone a car?  You could have earned a reasonable and legal wage when it's all said and done.

Further, don't you have other things to do?  Don't you have to grocery shop and do laundry, and I dunno, sleep?    This goes for other scammers as well, like the people who create Ponzi schemes.  With the amount of time you spend creating a "business,"  developing websites, paying for and passing out flyers, holding bogus meetings, etc., you could have created a legitimate business that makes legitimate money.  I just don't get it.

When I look at my schedule honey, I wouldn't be able to scam even if I wanted to.  I'd come home, get my scammin' goin, and probably fall asleep on the couch.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Oh, Soprano

Ya know, just because you're a soprano doesn't mean you have to be a soprano, all the time.  As talented as some sopranos are, and for as much respect as I will give them, a group of sopranos usually sounds like 10 cats being killed at the same time.

Every song doesn't require all of that, suga.  At this point, you're screeching.  Bring it down some.