Pending Children

Lately my friends and I have been running into men who are not owning up to all of their spawn.  We'll ask the fair question of how many kids they have, they'll tell us one or none, only to find out months later that they either just had a baby, or just found out about the existence of one.

To alleviate this unfortunate miscommunication, we now ask men how many children they have, and how many pending children they have.  Bitch, how many women are pregnant with a possible child of yours at this very moment?  How many DNA test results are you currently waiting on?  These are important questions because a lot of men seem to think that just because the kid isn't here yet or hasn't been confirmed, they don't technically count.  Well, yes bitch, they do.  And I need to know about all of them so I can make an informed decision.

Trying To Cheat

Ya know, it really annoys me when people try to do dirt, and aren't even good at or confident in their ability to pull it off.  Lately, my friends and I have run into a lot of wannabe cheaters.  Men in committed relationships who are doing the relationship equivalent of sticking their toe in the water to see how cold it is.

It's hilarious to watch, really, because you can see the guilt all over their face as they attempt to arrange a cheat.  That guilt has that face all twisted up, and makes them move in awkward and uncomfortable ways.  Their speech becomes choppy and they seem to scold themselves right after the words slip out of their mouths.  It's the funniest thing ever.

One of my close friends met a guy recently who confessed to having a pair of lips tattooed on his chest.  LIPS people!  Come to find out, he's actually married, and is out here trying to cheat on somebody.  Boy sit down, you have lips on your chest!  How are you out here trying to cheat on somebody with lips on your chest?

Then there was an experience I had of my own.  I ran into an old classmate that I hadn't seen since high school.  He and I exchanged numbers and really just caught up over the phone.  Well, after a pleasant conversation, I got a text message about 30 minutes later from him.......with his shirt off.

Really guy?  To make matters worse, about a week later he changed his relationship status to 'engaged' and posted pics of he and his fiancee's engagement photos!?  I said, "Look at this asshole out here trying to cheat."  And not even any good at it.  What if I had accidentally hit 'share' on that delightful little photo you sent me?  Then what?

Just lousy.

Independent & Resourceful

So I've got this issue going on in my car where the entire back right floorboard has gotten soaked.  Hell if I know how it happened, but I've been through at least 15 towels trying to get the water up.

At any rate, I took the car to the dealership to see if there was anything they could do to help me.  Unfortunately, their service department was closed, but their sex department wasn't.  Out walks this 6'6" man with a 5'4" belly.  "Hello maam, can I help you?"  So I start telling him about the issue I'm having and asking him what I should do to fix it.  We walk over to my car and I open the door so he can reach down and feel the floor.

The door opened, but there was no reaching.  He just stood there and stared at the floor.  "Yeah, looks like you've got a problem."  It didn't look like damn anything.  It looked dry, that's why I needed him to touch it and see how saturated it was.  But he didn't.  So I'm preparing to leave now as he was completely unhelpful when he says to me, "So, are you married?  Single?  What's your situation?  Let me take you out to dinner sometime."  I looked at him, looked at that satchel hanging off the front of him, and said "Suga, I'm unavailable."

Instead of him taking the hint, he continues on, "Well I ain't askin' for much.  I'm just looking for a woman who's independent and resourceful."  Again, I looked at him, looked at that deflated, flap-lopped, saggy belly and said, "Are you those things?"

How dare you ask a woman to be independent when clearly you're not!  You are very dependent on that belly and what it feels like doing that day.  What if you need to take off running?  Do you have that option?  All I can picture is a lifetime of you saying, "Baby, pick that up for me...."  And clearly you're not resourceful, because if you were, you would have done something about that little situation of yours by now.  Who honestly wants to live that way?  And above all, do you think I can picture THAT on top of me?  You ain't bringing nothin' home with that.  Nothing.  But you want a woman who's independent and resourceful?  The fuck outta here.

Throwing The Dick With Confidence

I've been trying to keep up with my online dating lately, and the online dating scene is a pitiful sight to see.  It is filled with grown men who've never grown up, thirsty wannabees, strange, precious, rare birds, the disenfranchised, and outright losers.  I think I hate it so much because everyone is essentially selling themselves, and they're not doing a good job at it.  There's such a pathetic desperation behind each profile, with the exception of a rare few.

Among the lump are a few men who don't look like they can throw the dick worth a damn.  They stand there with their lips poked out and a look on their face that reads "Love me, please?"  I will not love you, because you sir, don't even look like you satisfy yourself.  I need a man who looks and acts like he can throw the dick with some confidence!  A man who stands up straight, not hunched over and all scared lookin.'  A man who allows his whole face to be seen.  A man who cares enough to get that gut in order.  A man who looks like his life is headed in the right general direction.

Now, a few of my readers have accused me of hating men, and I assure you this is not the case.  I love men, I hate what they've become.  This is one sorry ass crop these women turned out about 30 years ago.  They should collectively be ashamed of themselves.  If you are a good man who's reading this, be a light unto your male community, please, for us all.  Inspire some of those shiftless friends of yours to be a little better.  Otherwise, who will your daughters marry?

Sperm Whales

Did you know that some whales can hold their breath for an hour or sometimes longer, underwater?  It's pretty amazing.  You could be sailing along for miles and not know that a whale is swimming right alongside you.

In the dating world, I call men like these Sperm Whales.  Just when you think they've drifted off, never to be seen or heard from again, Boom! They resurface!

It's incredible because they can go for such extended periods of time without contact that YOU think you're in the clear.  But at some point, that whale has got to come up for air, honey, and you end up with a missed call from a mysterious area code...

Why Men Settle Down

I've answered long-standing questions for you all before, and I'm getting ready to answer another one for you!  Many people wonder what causes a man to finally settle down.  Is it age?  Career success?  The "right" woman?  Fate?

Sorry to disappoint, but none of those are the reasons.  The reason a man finally settles down is because he eventually comes to the realization that he cannot reasonably run-it to every fine woman that he sees.

You see, when men are young, they are of the false belief that fine women are in short supply.  For this reason, he tries to sample as many of them as he can, because this might be the last fine one that ever crosses his path.

But then, a funny thing happens around the 2nd quarter of a man's life when he finds himself surrounded by a slew of gorgeous women and he has the epiphany, "I cannot reasonably offer penis to each and every single one of these women."  It is then that he chooses a suitable mate and settles down.

Now don't get it twisted, he'll look forever, but eventually that back will be too tired to throw in all kinds of different directions, and he'll come right on home and fall asleep on the couch.

Gettin' Ugly

As much as I talk about creatures that happen to be tall and fine, today I decided that I am going to seek out and marry an ugly man.

The reason is because I simply could not trust a fine man to walk around unattended, day in and day out.  Fine is fine, and you're fooling yourself if you think that nobody else sees that.  They see it.  And they want it.

Some women are ruthless and shameless in their pursuit of men, married or otherwise.  Why should I have to contend with that?  True enough, it's his responsibility to maintain the faithfulness of his dick, but c'mon...Some women might as well be sirens.

With that said, I'm going to look for a man that is remarkably unattractive to date and marry.  Perhaps our looks will balance out and produce a fairly decent looking kid.  Most important though, is that 9 out of 10 women would reject him.  Kirstie Alley recently announced the same thing, and I think she might be on to something!

Where The Boys Are

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make!  I have the answer to the long-standing question and subsequent mystery, "Where are all the good men?

You ready?

Ladies and Gentlemen, they are:  At Home.  

That's it!  No more, no less.  They're not at the grocery store or the coffee shop or the gym or the library or a lounge or a sports bar or any of those other places people tell single women to go in search of a mate.  No my friends, they are at home.  

They're home just like all the decent, single, eligible women are.  The most eligible women I know rarely get out and about, mostly because they are gainfully employed and engaged in other life-enriching activities.  The same goes for eligible men- they work, they have hobbies, and more than anything else, they have a routine.  That routine usually ends with him taking his happy ass home.  

This is the reason that many of the prime candidates in the dating pool remain single- they don't get out much.  So, instead of joining that dating website or wasting precious time and resources going out night after night, go to your nearest apartment complex and start knocking on some doors.   

7 Minutes of Sex

One of my favorite things to do when I go out is analyze couples from afar.  I can usually tell how new or old a relationship is, and how long it will generally last.

I can also tell how long that funky little sex will last, honey.  Ironically, the couples who hang all over each other in public places are the ones who go home and serve up 7 minutes of some of the most tired, little funky ass sex you will ever witness.  Think Kim and Ray-J.

On the other hand, those couples that seem to have a quiet chemistry, an understanding, good conversation and lots of laughter, are the ones who are going home making us all jealous.

So, the next time you're out in public and some couple is slobbing each other down, don't fret, cause if she's lucky, she's about to get 7 minutes of tired thrusting, then he's going to sleep on her.  

Stalker Acquistion

People often ask me why I don't go out much or why I won't go on a simple date from time to time when asked. The main reason is because I'm trying to keep my stalker count low.


In this life, you have to know yourself, and you have to know the effect you have on people.  One effect I know for sure that I have on people, is the one that causes them to tell me their life stories within a few short minutes.  The other effect I seem to have is one that generates instant stalkers.

Any time I go out with a man I'm not all that interested in, I almost always acquire a new stalker.  I think it's the mixture of independence, good breeding, and childlessness that makes them think, "She must be the one!"

Well, I'm not.

The next few weeks are usually filled with frantic texts, phone calls, and Facebook messages, trying to determine "where we stand."  Bitch, we don't stand anywhere.  It was one date.

That being said, I turn down more than dates than I agree to, because I'm really not trying to add any more stalkers to the roster.

Competing For Dick (You Are Not The Prize)

I feel really sorry for single women in today's dating market.  Truly, there are slim pickings.  If the men aren't busy wearing dread wigs, sending dick pics, or taking shirtless photos, they're highly eligible, and therefore, scarce.

With this scarcity comes competition, and it has created a whole host of highly feminized men.  Feminized in the sense that they want to be pampered, catered to, coddled, chased, and essentially, courted.  

With all due respect, Bitch, you are not the prize.

I absolutely refuse to compete for dick.  Why should I? I am the prize, not you.  You should be competing for me, the way nature intended.  If more women would adopt this philosophy, their lives would be ten times happier.  Instead, they enter into these petty little competitions with each other while this fool sits back and reaps all the benefits.  Damn that.  

Ladies, the next time you find yourselves in a situation like this, kindly look at your competitor and say, "You got it" and walk away.  That'll knock that ego down a few notches.  

Bad Luck Birds

I have run into a lot of folks in my time who, within the first 15 minutes of knowing them, have told me their entire life stories, that happen to be filled with a series of unfortunate events.  I call these people Bad Luck Birds.  

One time I met a guy who seemed normal enough.  On the first phone call, he informed me that he had been laid off twice in the past year, totaled his car-shattering his left knee in the process, been wrongfully arrested, and lost his best friend in a boating accident.  Oh yeah, and he's partially blind in his left eye with no hope of correction.  And you're 30.

Baby, I don't want to hang out with you.  You've got bad luck.  Imma need for some of that to rub off before I'll even set foot in a car with you.  Damn thing might run off the road.

Now, please don't get me wrong.  I understand that everyone goes through things from time to time, and that it sometimes pours when it rains, but damn.  Can you keep some of that to yourself, please?  What exactly am I supposed to say in response to these things?

This is the kinda stuff I run into, which is why I generally stay my ass at home.

Host Body

Ladies, this post is coming from the heart, and I want you to take it very seriously.

There are men in this world who NEVER intend on getting married or settling down.  Allow me to repeat this, there are men in this world, who NEVER intend on getting married or settling down.  They don't intend on it now, 10 years from now, or 50 years from now.

With this in mind, these same men want children, specifically sons, to carry on their little funky-ass legacies.  They are smart enough to recognize that they will never be able to birth their own children.  If they could, you would watch the marriage rate plummet.  Truly, these particular men are looking for women that I call "host bodies."

In the insect world, parasites seek out host bodies to feed off of, and sometimes, lay their disgusting little eggs in.  Unbeknownst to the host body, they are helping this particular parasite carry on their legacy.  Do you think the parasite sticks around once the food is eaten and/or the kids are born?  Hell no!

Same thing goes for the human world.  This type of man seeks out a woman(en) he deems suitable to bear his young.  This is why you often see super-successful men with wimpy little women.  Of course she's not his soul mate, she's his host body, and she doesn't even know it.

This woman(en) probably has good or good enough credentials.  He can't have just anyone raise his little 'god-king.' She has to be appropriate for the job at hand.  Gotta give him credit for his good breeding efforts, but it's done for selfish reasons and with ulterior motives.

These women will carry multitudes of these men's babies, until one day they realize they are being used.  Why do you think so many politicians' marriages end in hell-fire?  It's because he never loved that girl.  He just needed credibility and someone to bear his son.

Moral of the story, ladies, do not allow yourself to be someone's host body!

Smile, Sweetie

The world of online dating intrigues me.  Aside from the fact that it's filled with precious, rare birds, it gives you the unique opportunity to see how people choose to present themselves to the world.

One form of presentation that really tickles me are the men who don't smile in their pictures.  They really expect a woman to write and/or respond to them with that sad little look on their faces.

What's wrong, Suga?  Somebody run over your puppy?  Life got ya down?  Why in the world would I wanna hang out with you when you look like any minute now, you're going to end it all?

And again, these will be the same men saying that "Women don't know what they want," or "Yall don't know a good man when you see one."  Well, yes I do, and he is usually smiling when I see him.  Further, I can't picture your non-smiling ass on top of me, as you will probably be depressed in the bedroom as well.

Put Your Shirt Back On, Suga

The following epidemic is highly related the phenomenon of the dick pic.  It is the problem of men with their shirts off in their internet profile pictures.

Now, as young ladies, we were brought up to maintain a degree of modesty.    We were taught not to reveal too much, and to leave something to mystery.  This is good advice.

This advice also applies to your shirtless ass.  Baby, I don't want to see that.  I actually really enjoy imagining what a guy looks like up under his shirt, especially that tall, fine one.  I like looking at the way a man's shirt falls across his shoulders, and if I can picture him on top of me, I enjoy pretending taking said shirt off.

However, when you're standing in the mirror, sucking your stomach in, trying to flex, and trying to pretend that you don't have man-titties,  I am beyond appalled.

This also applies to men who have nice bodies.  When you post shirtless pics of yourself, you have literally taken all of my fun away.  I have nothing to look forward to but that damn dick, and as you all may know by now, I don't find them beautiful.  Useful, yes.  Beautiful, no.  Women have lots of stuff for yall to look at.  We only get chest and dick to daydream about.  Mother Nature really shortchanged us in this department.

With that said, leave a little to the imagination fellas.  You'll probably find yourself attracting a higher pedigree of woman.

What Else Can You Do?

Nothing makes me laugh quite as hard as when a man comes up to me and says, "Baby, I can put it on you.  I can give you what you need.  I got that good dick."  

Please, spare me.

In the past, once I finished laughing in their faces, I realized I didn't have a witty comeback other than 'Get the fuck outta here.'  Then, the following phrase and life philosophy was born:

"Sweetheart, with all due respect, I've had good dick, and I've had bad dick.  Therefore, I've had every kind of dick there is in between by default.  I already know what you're working with.  That being said, what else can you do?"

This simple phrase and subsequent question usually leaves them speechless and they walk away. Perfect.  But seriously, what else can you do?  Can you change my flat tire and put oil in my car?  Do you know the difference between a phillips-head and a flat-head screwdriver?  Can you slice a whole watermelon?  Can you fix my computer?  How about install a shower rod, can you do that?  Can you put together a functionally and grammatically correct sentence? Can you mow a lawn without streaks?  I'm just sayin, what else can you offer me other than that lotus flower you call a dick?

Too many men lean on their sexual prowess to impress women, and to say the least honey, I am a little less than impressed.

Spark and Spunk

Nicki Minaj has a song out called 'Your Love.'  It's one of my favorite songs for many reasons.  The chorus has a line in it that says, "You got spark, you you got spunk, you got somethin' all the girls want."

I'm not sure if Nicki realized what she was writing, but a truer statement hasn't been written recently.  Can I pleaaaase get a man that possesses both spark and spunk?

I've dated men who were all spark, and no spunk.  In other words, you're an effing dork who has no edge whatsoever, and you're probably supremely uptight.  You wear your pants up under your ribs and you tuck your shirt in.  I make a joke, and not only do you not get it, you launch into the theory of relativity and basically do all you can to disprove my joke and flaunt your intelligence.  The fuck outta here.

Then, I've dated guys who are all spunk, and no spark, honey.  In other words, you're a meathead.  You're on box-of-rocks status.  Now, you've got swagger and you dress well and you're fun to be around, but as soon as I drop a word like 'anomaly' on you, you're lookin' at me like my whole face just turned green.  This is not going to work either.

I really need a man who has a healthy balance of spark and spunk to be happy.  I know they exist, and I just hope one is on reserve for me.

Picturing You On Top Of Me

I'm really going to do my best to explain this without losing yall.  This post is directed mainly towards the good guys who can't seem to get the women they want.

A man can have a whole lot of things going for himself.  He can have a good job, a functional automobile, a home or apartment, good credit, no criminal background, reasonable height, so forth and so on.

These men put in sincere effort to pursue decent women they think would make good wives.  These men experience distress, however, when these same women turn them down.  They think they've done everything right.  You will usually hear these men saying things like "You women don't want a good man." or "Yall want a man to dog you out." or "Nice guys finish last."  I'm here to break the sad news to you that none of the aforementioned statements are true.  The simple truth, fellas, is that she simply cannot picture you on top of her.

For whatever reason, she can't picture you pumping and thrusting her, now or ever.  She can't picture your facial expressions.  She can't picture your grunts and groans.  It probably turns her stomach a little bit.

Now, some people will argue with me that sex isn't or shouldn't be the most important thing, but if we're two single people who are hitting it off and really seem to be compatible, like it or not, eventually it will lead to sex, and everyone knows that good sex is extremely important in a relationship.

If the thought of you on top of her makes her flesh crawl and makes her uterus want to retract into her lower intestines, it's never going to happen for you.  I'm sorry, but this is just reality.  Those 'bad boys' you see her with gave her great mental imagery, and that's why she's with him.

Look at you, you learned something today!  And just to be clear, she can't picture you behind her, either.

Men With Donkey Booties

Nothing is more troubling, or more disturbing, than men with donkey booties.  It's something that I can't quite wrap my mind around.

I don't get it.  Why would Mother Nature do you like that?  That wasn't very nice.  I know they can't help it anymore than they can help their height, but come on man.  That thing is......massive.  It's.......rotund.  It's......just wrong.  I mean, your butt is bigger than mine!  That's a huge problem.

A man with a donkey booty doesn't stand a chance with me, because I just can't picture him on top of me, and this is vital if I'm going to be pursuing any kind of serious relationship with a guy.

Tall And Fine

I work with a guy who is tall and fine for no reason.  Every time he walks in the building, I get pissed off.  I'm pissed primarily because you are both tall and fine.  You could have chosen just tall or just fine, but noooo.  You had to be both, with your greedy ass.  So now, instead of focusing on my work, I'm focused on your tall, fine ass, and the various things I would allow you to do to me.

I honestly don't think it's fair.