Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I Don't Know Why I'm Single

Tonight I found myself watching My Strange Addiction on TLC.  It featured a single mother of two who loves to chew on and swallow dryer sheets.  Yes, dryer sheets.  I waited an entire hour for her loving, supportive husband or boyfriend to show up, but he never did.  And then I scolded myself for believing that he actually might.

The fuck was I thinking?

Bitch, you eat dryer sheets???  I think the bigger question here is, who in the hell got you pregnant?  Twice?  This means at some point a male figure was close enough to you to knock you up.  Soooo did you tell him about the dryer sheets before or after y'all had sex?  I'm gonna go ahead and assume it was after.  He wrapped up his seven minutes of thrusting and you pulled your box of Downy out from under the bed and went to town.  I would have paid good money to see his face.  Tell me, is it really fair to put a man on child support when he learns he impregnated a chick hooked on dryer sheets?  I'm leaning towards maybe not, but this is what I mean when I talk about making poor decisions with your dick.  Now and for the rest of your life, you're the guy who got the dryer-sheet girl pregnant.  Great job.

Now more than ever am I certain the aliens are getting closer.  Surely their spaceships are interfering with the magnetic field of the earth, because there truly is no other explanation for the random, weird, strange human beings on this planet.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Poor Decisions With Your Dick

Speaking of informed decisions, today I saw a man leaving the gas station who looks like he's made a multitude of poor decisions with his dick.  For all intents and purposes, he seems like a normal-enough guy, but that dick history looked questionable as hell.  He just had that look about him.  I could tell by the way he walked that he more than likely had pending children out there, and financial troubles as a result of said children.  God only knows what other choices he's made with his dick over the years.  For these reasons I rolled my window up and kept it moving.

Next time you're thinking about dating a man, ladies, take a step back and decide if this individual looks like he's made the best decisions with his dick.  It can be hard to tell at times, but it is usually fairly easy to detect.

Pending Children

Lately my friends and I have been running into men who are not owning up to all of their spawn.  We'll ask the fair question of how many kids they have, they'll tell us one or none, only to find out months later that they either just had a baby, or just found out about the existence of one.

To alleviate this unfortunate miscommunication, we now ask men how many children they have, and how many pending children they have.  Bitch, how many women are pregnant with a possible child of yours at this very moment?  How many DNA test results are you currently waiting on?  These are important questions because a lot of men seem to think that just because the kid isn't here yet or hasn't been confirmed, they don't technically count.  Well, yes bitch, they do.  And I need to know about all of them so I can make an informed decision.