Thursday, March 29, 2012

Why Men Settle Down

I've answered long-standing questions for you all before, and I'm getting ready to answer another one for you!  Many people wonder what causes a man to finally settle down.  Is it age?  Career success?  The "right" woman?  Fate?

Sorry to disappoint, but none of those are the reasons.  The reason a man finally settles down is because he eventually comes to the realization that he cannot reasonably run-it to every fine woman that he sees.

You see, when men are young, they are of the false belief that fine women are in short supply.  For this reason, he tries to sample as many of them as he can, because this might be the last fine one that ever crosses his path.

But then, a funny thing happens around the 2nd quarter of a man's life when he finds himself surrounded by a slew of gorgeous women and he has the epiphany, "I cannot reasonably offer penis to each and every single one of these women."  It is then that he chooses a suitable mate and settles down.

Now don't get it twisted, he'll look forever, but eventually that back will be too tired to throw in all kinds of different directions, and he'll come right on home and fall asleep on the couch.


I am of the opinion that speeders are better drivers.  Naturally, I am very aware of the many accidents that have been caused by speeding, and the many tickets that have been issued, but usually there was some other factor involved.  Factors like, speeding and looking down.  Speeding and talking to your neighbor.  Speeding and texting.  Speeding and drinking.  These combos rarely work out well.

I'm talking about speeders who are of sober mind and body.  Speeders who are actively watching, planning, and predicting what these dumb-asses are about to do.  People who speed generally can anticipate what another person is about to do better than people who don't speed.  Why is this?

It's because when you're speeding, you know you're going fast as hell, and you have to pay even more attention than that asshole who's going approximately the speed limit.  Have you ever seen what happens when people see cops?  Suddenly, traffic that was moving so smoothly, comes to a screeching halt, and a lot of complicated and awkward driving ensues.  Probably a lot of rear-ending as well.

Furthermore, when people are driving slowly or going the speed limit, they tend to be more distracted because they aren't moving that fast.  They're more inclined to fool with the ipod or text or eat or, generally, not pay-the-fuck-attention.  When you're moving at a high rate of speed, you are a little more motivated to pay-the-fuck-attention.

I know some of you won't like this, and you resent those who go flying past you.  My advice is, use them!  They are your rabbits my friend.  If the speed limit is 45 and they're clearly doing 80, the cop is not going to notice you doing 50.  He's gonna go after the rabbit while you sail on by.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Slim, Young, & Little

If I see one more artist debut themselves with the words 'Slim,' 'Young,' or 'Little' (Lil) in their stage names, I think I will scream.  How remarkably unoriginal you are.  There have got to be at least 50 of each out on the market right now.

I'd like to add a few.  If you are an aspiring artist, feel free to utilize any of the names I list below:

Slim Douchebag
Young Idiot
Lil' Leech
Slim Suspect
Young Troll
Lil' Loser
Slim Chance
Young Dummy
Lil' Dickhead...

Please, add to the fun by commenting below with your own spins!

Snatching Kids

Taking other people's kids is a behavior that I will never fully wrap my mind around.  Why in sam hell would I want to kidnap someone else's wretched little monster?  That would require me feeding it, clothing it, entertaining it, educating it, and listening to it cry.  The precious, precious freedom I enjoy now would be no more.  Who goes out of their way to make sure their life is encumbered?  Is it really that serious?  I'll just wait until it's my turn, thank you.

Turn Signals

At this point in time, aren't there some very pertinent turn signals that are missing from our motor vehicles?  Things like a 'U-Turn Signal.'  Don't people need to know you're planning on popping a U-ey? I can't tell you how many near-misses I've seen due to the lack of a U-Turn signal.

While we're at it, they need to develop a 'Straight-Across Signal.' Sometimes I don't want to go right or left..sometimes I want to go straight.  Have you ever had the experience of staring at another vehicle wondering what the hell they're about to do?  They're looking at you, you're looking at them...... See, if they had a straight across signal, you'd know what their intentions were.

I should run for President.

Cherry Blossom Tattoos

This following is a public service announcement brought to you by Lucas McKenzie.

Those of you who insist upon getting cherry blossom tattoos......please know that your tattoo looks like some sort of flesh-eating bacteria from afar.

This has been a public service announcement, brought to you by Lucas McKenzie.

Leave From Jail

Frequent readers of the blog know that I used to be a public school teacher.  Words cannot express the JOY I feel at the fact that I now get to use the words "used to" instead of "am."

Teaching was nothing short of a waking nightmare.  I really should devote an entire book to it while the wounds are still fresh.  There is nothing quite like trying to force/convince/bribe/beg/threaten/coax humans to do something that really is to their own benefit.  There is also nothing like being held accountable for circumstances you have no control over.  Finally, there really isn't anything like not being paid what you're worth, with no hope of salary increases in the near future.  

I absolutely refused to give my life and my youth to this profession.  I admire anyone who does, for they truly are modern day martyrs.  

Anyway, today, one of my coworkers asked me if I regret giving up my summers and my spring breaks.  The short answer to his question was Hell-To-The-Fuck-No I Don't Regret That Shit!  It was awful!

Furthermore, our breaks weren't really breaks because we knew we had to go back.  It's almost like getting a leave of absence from jail.  Sure, you get to go home for 3 months, but you've gotta go right back and be locked up for another 9.  How then, is that 3 month reprieve, enjoyable?

I can't speak for the whole country, but where I'm from, teachers are given the dog's end of the stick.  All the power lies with the student.  If Little Johnny doesn't do his homework, guess who's fault that is?  The teacher's! Because clearly she didn't motivate him enough to do his homework.  I actually had a principal say this to me once.  I'm sorry, but isn't it the PARENT'S job to motivate their child after school hours??  Or here's a thought, hows about the child motivating himself! Gasp!  It took everything in me not to ask said principal, "Would you like me to wipe his ass for him too?"  

With that said, walking away was probably one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.  The sad part is, I was a damn good teacher.  I don't have kids yet, but when I do, homeschooling is looking like a fine option.  

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Kindergarten For Grown-Ups

You see folks, when you refuse to do what you're supposed to do in Kindergarten for Kids, you end up getting to go play in Kindergarten for Grown-Ups, also known as jail.

This wonderful new phrase was coined by a prisoner on a show called First Week In.  It documents the first week of jail for newly minted convicts.  To me, it is like a reality-TV style sequel to Beyond Scared Straight.  Maybe more like a 'Whatever Happened To..."

At any rate, he was complaining about being told when to go to sleep, when to wake up, when you can eat, when you can't eat, when you can go to the bathroom, when you can come out of your room, etc.  He then stated that is was like being in "Kindergarten for Grown-Ups."

After I finished laughing, I thought about how ironic it was that in you abusing your adult privileges, and showing your adult ass to the fullest extent of the law, you end up in a place where you are treated like a child to the fullest extent of the law.  Crazy turn of events right?

So yeah, keep your nose clean, because if you end up in Adult Kindergarten, you may not like your playmates :-/

Gettin' Ugly

As much as I talk about creatures that happen to be tall and fine, today I decided that I am going to seek out and marry an ugly man.

The reason is because I simply could not trust a fine man to walk around unattended, day in and day out.  Fine is fine, and you're fooling yourself if you think that nobody else sees that.  They see it.  And they want it.

Some women are ruthless and shameless in their pursuit of men, married or otherwise.  Why should I have to contend with that?  True enough, it's his responsibility to maintain the faithfulness of his dick, but c'mon...Some women might as well be sirens.

With that said, I'm going to look for a man that is remarkably unattractive to date and marry.  Perhaps our looks will balance out and produce a fairly decent looking kid.  Most important though, is that 9 out of 10 women would reject him.  Kirstie Alley recently announced the same thing, and I think she might be on to something!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Wild Rabbits

Personally, I am all for the free birth control initiative.  I went to my local mall today, and left with the conclusion that the earth's population has reached and surpassed anything that is reasonable or necessary.

There are far, far too many human beings on this planet.  This is evident from the drive home in rush hour traffic or from the lines you have to stand in at your local Wal-Mart, and anywhere else for that matter.  And we keep making more.  

We need to get our numbers under control, because eventually, all these little people are going to grow up needing schools and jobs and shelter and FOOD.  And because the breeding efforts have gone awry in general, who exactly are we going to lean on to supply all these needs?  This generation can barely spell.

This is why I tell all of my friends and family to stay healthy- this current crop is not going to be turning out a whole lot of doctors and nurses.  And because there will be so many of them, I am already putting together plans for my cupcake factory, where I can put to work all the little dumb-bunnies who didn't pay attention in school.  All you gotta do is put the gumdrop on the top of the cupcake and send it on down the line.  Easy as pie.

If you were smart, you too would start making advanced plans about how you will capitalize on the abundance of low-skilled humans the world will be overrun with in the very near future.

Saturday, March 10, 2012


I'm just sayin, I think we'd all be a little bit more humble if we had to go to work naked one day out of the week.

Think about it:  What kind of drama could you possibly have that day?  What more is there to say?  I mean, here I am and there you are and well.....there you have it.

What could be a better team-building than that?

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Where The Boys Are

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make!  I have the answer to the long-standing question and subsequent mystery, "Where are all the good men?

You ready?

Ladies and Gentlemen, they are:  At Home.  

That's it!  No more, no less.  They're not at the grocery store or the coffee shop or the gym or the library or a lounge or a sports bar or any of those other places people tell single women to go in search of a mate.  No my friends, they are at home.  

They're home just like all the decent, single, eligible women are.  The most eligible women I know rarely get out and about, mostly because they are gainfully employed and engaged in other life-enriching activities.  The same goes for eligible men- they work, they have hobbies, and more than anything else, they have a routine.  That routine usually ends with him taking his happy ass home.  

This is the reason that many of the prime candidates in the dating pool remain single- they don't get out much.  So, instead of joining that dating website or wasting precious time and resources going out night after night, go to your nearest apartment complex and start knocking on some doors.   

Don't Argue With Crazy People

When I was growing up, my mother always used to tell me, "Sweetheart, don't argue with stupid people.  It is a waste of time and energy."

Momma was right!  Now that I'm older and have experienced a little more, I'd like to put a twist on my mom's philosophy and state that one should not engage in an argument with crazy people, either.  

I have a friend who's a card carrying accidental racist.  The only reason I'm going to give her a pass is because she has been completely brainwashed by her political party.  It is a sad sight to see, too.  Complete and total programming of the human mind.

At any rate, this programming has, in essence, made her insane.  On and on she will rant about political issues, hours if you let her! As I sit there and listen to her spout off, the natural inclination is to respond and correct.  But...why?  All it's going to do is send that mind spiraling even further down the rabbit hole, thus making her crazier.  Truly, it is a useless endeavor.  Plus, my points are not going to be heard anyway.  That delusional little mind is too busy thinking up the next round of 'talking points' to fire off at me.

So I just let her go until she tires, and when she asks me if I understand I say with a smile, "Oh I understand, I just don't agree."  I literally see smoke come from her ears.  It is awesome.   

Sunday, March 4, 2012


I really do think we will go down in history as a society that was so advanced, and yet, so effing retarded.  Only in America would we continue to sell and make widely available, a substance called antifreeze.  

Today I caught on episode of Snapped that detailed how a woman killed both of her husbands by slowly poisoning their food with antifreeze.  And because antifreeze is odorless and colorless, it mixes quite well with soups and other clear foods.  But the makers of antifreeze take it one step further by making the shit ever so slightly sweet!  I get odorless and colorless, but why the sweetness?  Do you want people to mistake it for corn syrup??

Now, please tell me why I am able to go pick up some of this death-serum at my local Wal-Mart?  Furthermore, why do people keep attempting this form of murder?  They a l w a y s get caught.  Always!

So yeah, we're one of the greatest societies that ever was, but we continuously #fail when we make it possible for women to serve antifreeze laced lollipops to their husbands.


Despite what you may think, I am actually filled with love and compassion, especially for the rare little birdies of the world.

Because of said compassion, I came to the conclusion long ago that some people are not dumb, they're just simple.

These people are unaffected and unburdened by complex or complicated thoughts.  Their life's aspirations really don't extend beyond the tips of their noses.  When they go to sleep at night, that's it!  They are not kept awake by cognition, nor do they wake up with the weight of the world on their shoulders.  Every day is fresh and new.

While this sounds desirable, the problem with being simple is that other people have to do all the thinking for your simple ass.  You are basically at the mercy of the non-simple, and don't have the mental wherewithal to challenge it.

Some telltale signs of a simple person are:  lack of eye movement, smiling for no reason, easily baffled, limited or no vocabulary, repetition of simple thoughts, actions, or ideas.

There is no known cure for simplicity.  Just put something shiny and bouncy in front of them, and they'll be ok.

Weak Wristed Women

I would like to state again for the record, that my wrath is not reserved for men only.  Women can, and will, get it too.

There is one trait that many women share that drives me absolutely insane, and it is that of the limp wrist.  Upon meeting someone, it is generally customary to give a nice, firm handshake.  Men don't really have a problem in this area.  Women, however, will often offer up the most limp, simple, dead, weak-wristed handshakes one could ever imagine.

I am pretty sure I almost broke this lady's hand the other day because she did not return my shake with an equal and opposite force.  I literally felt ever bone in her hand fold in.

What is up with this?  Is this something they're being told to do?  Is it supposed to be 'dainty?'  Well I guess I missed that memo, because I shake hands like someone who expects to be taken seriously.  Ladies, if you are guilty of this, please stop it.