Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Man In The Window

Or whatever the hell the name of the actual movie is.  Alls I know is that it's scary.  I'm really not a fan of scary movies in general, mostly because THEY'RE SCARY!  Also, one really has to wonder about the person who thinks up, writes down, and publishes these story-lines.  As a parent, how would you feel knowing your 12 year old son is in his room daydreaming about dismemberment?  Do you really want to live under the same roof as that?  I just don't think it's the mark of a healthy mind.

Anyway, there is some new movie out whose basic plot is that if you happen to catch a glimpse of this very strange-looking man in the woods or in your window, he comes into your house, your mind, haunts you, kills you, maims you, etc. etc.  I'm guessing the all-around goal is to not see they guy.  Or whatever.

Honey, this couldn't be me.  If I see your ass lurking outside of my window, I'm liable to tell you to bring the trash cans in.  If you somehow infiltrate the home, please believe you will be fixing faulty light switches and hooking up dvd players.  Don't lurk unless you wanna be put to work.  I don't care if you are a damn ghost.  That's even better!  That means you shouldn't tire easily.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Kidnap Comfort

I'm just sayin', if I find myself in a kidnapping-style situation, I'm really gonna try to make the most of it.  It's like an involuntary vacation.  How can your job be mad at you if you've been kidnapped?  They can't fire you for that.  Cooking, cleaning, other household chores?  Sorry kids, not while I'm kidnapped.

I'm going to try and reason with my kidnappers.  Can we stop off by Wal-Mart and get some trial sized items, please?  I know I'm gonna want to brush my teeth after a few days.  Soap is definitely in order, as well as some hand sanitizer.  I'd also like to pick up a few snacks and some bottled water.

Why make life difficult for each other?  This doesn't have to be dramatic.  You're holding me for ransom or whatever, I'm just chillin until you get whatever it is you need.  In the meantime, I can provide a listening ear and perhaps some helpful tips for life.  This can be a mutually beneficial situation.

It's all about planning ahead, people.


Today I saw a woman whose calves and thighs were about the circumference of my forearm.  And she wasn't anorexic, she was just that thin.  Now I'm no lesbian, but if I were a man, I just wouldn't want a woman that skinny.  I imagine myself walking through the house, turning around too fast, and accidentally bumping into the side of her leg, effectively snapping it in half.  Try explaining that one to the police officers and EMTs who show up to assist her.

I'm good.  That's just too much of a liability.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Lucas After Dark: That's A Whole Lotta Fuckin'

Have you ever looked out across a crowded stadium and considered just how much fuckin' went into producing all those human beings?  I mean, really stop and think about it.  Every single person you see in those stands is the result of some tired ass lil' fuckin'.

This is truly mind-boggling if you take the time to give it some serious thought.  Sex created all of these people, and I guarantee you most of it wasn't gratifying.  The sheer number of people on this earth makes it seem like human beings don't do anything else with their free time.  And we have the nerve to criticize rabbits.  Ha!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Backspace, Bitch

As Things I Tell Monica readers, part of your duty is to go out and combat stupidity on a daily basis.  By all means have a good laugh, then carry forth what you've learned into the world.

It's time to address the issue of illiteracy once and for all.  If you are over the age of 18, of sound mind and body, and have never been diagnosed as dyslexic or otherwise learning disabled, there is little excuse for poor grammar and absolutely no excuse for poor spelling!  The only time it should happen is when you're doing it on purpose, as is frequently done in this blog.  What's important though, is that I know when I'm writing something incorrectly, as it's usually done for effect.  A lot of adult men and women, however, do not know when they are writing something wrong, and they're usually the first ones to post it loud and proud for the world to see.  Unfortunately, nothing makes a person look more unintelligent than when said post is loaded up with spelling and grammatical errors.

I think it bothers me on such a deep level because some words are "sight words," meaning you should be able to recognize them and spell them with ease because you've seen them so many times in your life.  I'll never forget the day a student came up to me and asked, "Ms. McKenzie, how do you spell 'white?'"  I gave him the blankest stare, because here is a young man who has survived 15 years on this planet, and yet, cannot spell the word 'white.'  Bitch, your tennis shoes are white.  Surely you remember the white crayon..  The word is on TV and in movies all the time.  It's in the names of some of your favorite songs.  How in the hell can you not know how to spell 'white?'

One of my coworkers I shall never respect because that fool can't spell to save his life.  A few of his classics:  passangers (passengers), ergent (urgent), receet (receipt).  Now, receipt is kinda hard, I'll admit that.  But you've got to at least recognize that 'receet' is wrong!  Haven't you held a thousand receipts in your hand at this point in your life?

Finally, Facebook.  I have unsubscribed from more friends on account of spelling and grammar errors than for any other reason.  I'm not talking the occasional typo or mix-up (their vs. there).  I'm talking the chronic, grotesque, shameful spelling errors that make me wonder why I'm friends with you on FB in the first place.  It shows such a sorriness...such a laziness, that I can't even stand to see it in my feed.  I know a lot of folks have smart phones with auto-text that causes them to write things they didn't mean to, but that's why they make backspace bitch. Read what you just wrote, and if it isn't what you meant to say, rewrite it!?  Just because you wrote it once doesn't mean it has to stick.  There are do-overs in writing.

With all that said dear readers, do your best to not to make yourselves look dumb as hell in the public eye.  The world will already have an opinion formed about you, why help contribute to a negative one?