Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Don't Get Mad Now

Over the years, I have developed a particular disdain for Facebook.  I hate what it has become.  What used to be a pretty neat tool for keeping in touch with others, has now become a shameless forum for attention-whoring of all manner.

Part of this attention-whoring includes the announcement that a woman is going to have a baby.  What a special time this is!  Naturally she'd want her friends and family to know, as it would be weird to show up somewhere with a kid 10 months from now and nobody knew you were pregnant.  It's not so much the announcement of the pregnancy that's bothersome, it's the subsequent attention-whoring that follows the kid out of her vagina and throughout his whole life.

I have a friend on Facebook who is getting persnickety with people because she is now overdue.  Every day people post on her wall, "Feeling any contractions yet?  We're ready to meet the baby!"  In no uncertain terms she informed everybody today that she is indeed still pregnant and will continue to be as the baby seems quite comfortable.  People, including myself, posted encouraging messages, telling her to hang in there.

What I really wanted to post was Bitch, please don't get mad now that we are hounding you to produce the kid.  You took us through nine months of progression photos, sonograms, baby showers, baby names.........you practically informed us of the moment your husband busted inside of you--why are you mad now?  This has been one really long slow-ass movie, so YES, we are ready for you to show us the kid.  In fact, show us your placenta, too.  We want to see his little home for nine months.  After that, please post photos of his first shit.  I am bursting with anticipation.  I cannot wait to witness every waking moment of the next 18 years of his life unfold on my timeline.

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