Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I Don't Know Why I'm Single

Tonight I found myself watching My Strange Addiction on TLC.  It featured a single mother of two who loves to chew on and swallow dryer sheets.  Yes, dryer sheets.  I waited an entire hour for her loving, supportive husband or boyfriend to show up, but he never did.  And then I scolded myself for believing that he actually might.

The fuck was I thinking?

Bitch, you eat dryer sheets???  I think the bigger question here is, who in the hell got you pregnant?  Twice?  This means at some point a male figure was close enough to you to knock you up.  Soooo did you tell him about the dryer sheets before or after y'all had sex?  I'm gonna go ahead and assume it was after.  He wrapped up his seven minutes of thrusting and you pulled your box of Downy out from under the bed and went to town.  I would have paid good money to see his face.  Tell me, is it really fair to put a man on child support when he learns he impregnated a chick hooked on dryer sheets?  I'm leaning towards maybe not, but this is what I mean when I talk about making poor decisions with your dick.  Now and for the rest of your life, you're the guy who got the dryer-sheet girl pregnant.  Great job.

Now more than ever am I certain the aliens are getting closer.  Surely their spaceships are interfering with the magnetic field of the earth, because there truly is no other explanation for the random, weird, strange human beings on this planet.

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