Dirty Chili

If you read the last post, you are already aware that some nasty little bugs and their hosts are going around our office.  Sometimes I think they are in competition to see who can sneeze the loudest and the moistest.

In what has got to be the worst timing ever, we are having a chili cook-off on that same bio-hazard of a floor tomorrow.  Members from each team have been enlisted to prepare their best chili with the hopes of being crowned the champion and raising some money for charity.  Sounds perfectly fine and innocent right?

Wrong.  Today I overheard someone ask one of the Top Contaminators if she was making any chili.  With enthusiasm, she said "Yes!"  I already wasn't planning on having any, but that right there sealed the deal. This whore has no shame when it comes to spreading her illness.  She coughs loud with her mouth open and uncovered, sounds like she's dying, doesn't wash or sanitize her hands afterward, and refuses to take any medication to control it.  If she is that loose at work with it, I already know what the deal is at home.  She probably licks her spoons. 

With that, I shall not be indulging in any chili.  I will donate to the cause, but I shall not eat.  I also shall not be a victim of the abandon shit,  which I'm sure will be going down tomorrow when those tummies start burbling from all that chili.  

I can't do humanity.  

Bitch, Please Get Better

I think I've already made pretty clear my disdain for illness and public places.  I just feel like it's one of the most inconsiderate, rude things you can do to another person.  Especially in the workplace.

I like to call my office the Petri Dish, aka The Cesspool, because that's what it is.  All I hear all day everyday is coughing, wheezing, and sneezing.  Some of those sneezes are quite moist.  It is an infirmary.  I watch bugs and viruses spread like the wave in a crowded football stadium on a hot summer day.  It'll start at the top of the row, then work its way down, hopping on to every victim in its path.  To make matters worse, our windows do not open, so all that air is just circulating and recirculating, getting more disgusting by the minute.

It's the nastiest shit on planet earth.  There really should be a law against coming to work sick.  As an employer, I'd want a legitimately sick employee to stay home because I wouldn't want them infecting my workforce.  Pretty soon everyone will be calling out because of one person.  How much sense does that make?  And we play this same silly little game, year after year, sometimes more than once per year.  Riddle me this, would you come to work if you had the Bubonic Plague?

I don't go down without a fight though.  I down Airborne like shots of Patron.  I sanitize my hands frequently throughout the day.  And when my sick coworkers leave, I secretly wipe down their telephone pads, keyboards, and mice.  Obsessive, I know, but this is war, people!  You have to fight for your right to stay healthy!  Being sick not only sucks but it is expensive as hell.  I feel like laying my receipts for Airborne and cough drops on the culprits' desks.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I never get sick.  The only difference between myself and my cohorts is that if I'm snotting out of the nose, I stay my ass home.  If I cough and a wad of some sort enters my throat, I stay my ass home.  If I can barely speak because my voice is gone, I stay my ass home.  This rarely happens because I fight the good fight, but it does happen from time to time.  Why can't others have the same sense of courtesy?  It's almost like, "Oh well, I'm sick now.  Who cares who else gets sick.  At least we'll long-suffer together."  Fuck the entirety of that shit.  It's nasty.  And it's rude.  Bitch, please get better.