Buying My Babies

You see kids, life is all about proper planning and strategizing.  While we can't always predict or control what it will bring us, we can make a concerted effort to have a plan in place for every foreseeable situation.

As I approach 30, I am coming to terms with the fact that I may never marry or find the life mate that I desire.  It is what it is, and if I can have Oprah's money in lieu of a man, I'll be just fine.

I do, however, want to be a mother.  I think I would make a great mom, and I absolutely need the opportunity to mold somebody from birth.  Can you imagine the child that gets to be exposed to my philosophies and life mantras from the very beginning?  Phenoms I tell you!

Anyway, since I may not have that devoted husband by my side, I have already come up with an alternate solution:  I'm going to buy my babies.  That's right.  But I'm not gonna go about this all willy-nilly, oh no.  My intention is to travel to the city with the highest graduation rates, and the highest number of college degrees per square mile, and pick up my sperm there.  The way I see it, the people donating in cities like these stand a higher chance of being smart than cities where the graduation rate is low and there aren't many people who possess higher education.  I am looking for a higher pedigree of bum.  Call me what you want, but I guarantee my children will turn out more civilized than those functioning monkeys that treat Walmart as their personal playground.

Bitch, You'd Better Make Straight A's!

I don't have kids of my own yet, but when I do, I know one thing- Bitch, you'd better make straight A's.

I was talking with a friend tonight who's recently given birth, and she described the sheer horror of the overall experience.  Her baby's head tore her vaginal canal, and she had to be stitched from the inside out (44 stitches to be exact).  She pushed so hard that she got a hemorrhoid. She developed vericose veins on her calf muscles, and stretch marks around her torso that look like something out of the movie Beastly.


Let me tell you something, you little fucker, if I'm going to go through all of this to get you here, oh, you'd better make straight A's.  I mean STRAIGHT A's.  No B's.  No C's.  Certainly no F's.  Did I give you an F delivery?  I could have.  I could have pushed once and given up, but noooooo.  I pushed until I ripped myself.  You better push until you rip yourself too.