Backspace, Bitch

As Things I Tell Monica readers, part of your duty is to go out and combat stupidity on a daily basis.  By all means have a good laugh, then carry forth what you've learned into the world.

It's time to address the issue of illiteracy once and for all.  If you are over the age of 18, of sound mind and body, and have never been diagnosed as dyslexic or otherwise learning disabled, there is little excuse for poor grammar and absolutely no excuse for poor spelling!  The only time it should happen is when you're doing it on purpose, as is frequently done in this blog.  What's important though, is that I know when I'm writing something incorrectly, as it's usually done for effect.  A lot of adult men and women, however, do not know when they are writing something wrong, and they're usually the first ones to post it loud and proud for the world to see.  Unfortunately, nothing makes a person look more unintelligent than when said post is loaded up with spelling and grammatical errors.

I think it bothers me on such a deep level because some words are "sight words," meaning you should be able to recognize them and spell them with ease because you've seen them so many times in your life.  I'll never forget the day a student came up to me and asked, "Ms. McKenzie, how do you spell 'white?'"  I gave him the blankest stare, because here is a young man who has survived 15 years on this planet, and yet, cannot spell the word 'white.'  Bitch, your tennis shoes are white.  Surely you remember the white crayon..  The word is on TV and in movies all the time.  It's in the names of some of your favorite songs.  How in the hell can you not know how to spell 'white?'

One of my coworkers I shall never respect because that fool can't spell to save his life.  A few of his classics:  passangers (passengers), ergent (urgent), receet (receipt).  Now, receipt is kinda hard, I'll admit that.  But you've got to at least recognize that 'receet' is wrong!  Haven't you held a thousand receipts in your hand at this point in your life?

Finally, Facebook.  I have unsubscribed from more friends on account of spelling and grammar errors than for any other reason.  I'm not talking the occasional typo or mix-up (their vs. there).  I'm talking the chronic, grotesque, shameful spelling errors that make me wonder why I'm friends with you on FB in the first place.  It shows such a sorriness...such a laziness, that I can't even stand to see it in my feed.  I know a lot of folks have smart phones with auto-text that causes them to write things they didn't mean to, but that's why they make backspace bitch. Read what you just wrote, and if it isn't what you meant to say, rewrite it!?  Just because you wrote it once doesn't mean it has to stick.  There are do-overs in writing.

With all that said dear readers, do your best to not to make yourselves look dumb as hell in the public eye.  The world will already have an opinion formed about you, why help contribute to a negative one?

Leave From Jail

Frequent readers of the blog know that I used to be a public school teacher.  Words cannot express the JOY I feel at the fact that I now get to use the words "used to" instead of "am."

Teaching was nothing short of a waking nightmare.  I really should devote an entire book to it while the wounds are still fresh.  There is nothing quite like trying to force/convince/bribe/beg/threaten/coax humans to do something that really is to their own benefit.  There is also nothing like being held accountable for circumstances you have no control over.  Finally, there really isn't anything like not being paid what you're worth, with no hope of salary increases in the near future.  

I absolutely refused to give my life and my youth to this profession.  I admire anyone who does, for they truly are modern day martyrs.  

Anyway, today, one of my coworkers asked me if I regret giving up my summers and my spring breaks.  The short answer to his question was Hell-To-The-Fuck-No I Don't Regret That Shit!  It was awful!

Furthermore, our breaks weren't really breaks because we knew we had to go back.  It's almost like getting a leave of absence from jail.  Sure, you get to go home for 3 months, but you've gotta go right back and be locked up for another 9.  How then, is that 3 month reprieve, enjoyable?

I can't speak for the whole country, but where I'm from, teachers are given the dog's end of the stick.  All the power lies with the student.  If Little Johnny doesn't do his homework, guess who's fault that is?  The teacher's! Because clearly she didn't motivate him enough to do his homework.  I actually had a principal say this to me once.  I'm sorry, but isn't it the PARENT'S job to motivate their child after school hours??  Or here's a thought, hows about the child motivating himself! Gasp!  It took everything in me not to ask said principal, "Would you like me to wipe his ass for him too?"  

With that said, walking away was probably one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.  The sad part is, I was a damn good teacher.  I don't have kids yet, but when I do, homeschooling is looking like a fine option.  

Whole Student?

I was having a conversation with my mother the other day, and she was telling me about how the school system is going downhill in the city where I'm from.  This didn't surprise me, as I used to teach in that nightmare.

She started telling me about how this one school fired its whole staff: principal, assistant principal, teachers, admin, cafeteria staff, janitors, everybody.  They literally fired the whole staff.

It was at this point I asked my mother, "Are they planning on firing the whole student?"  She laughed, but I was serious.  You wanna sit here and fire the whole staff, when you really need to fire the whole student.  They are the ones who refuse to complete or turn in homework.  They are the ones who come unprepared to class.  They are the ones who are multiple grade levels behind.  They are the ones who raise pure hell and won't allow the teacher to teach.  People have no idea what teachers are up against these days.

Until they fire the whole student, the system will never change.  One day, one of my students told me, "Ms. McKenzie, my homie lived ignorant, he died ignorant, and imma be ignorant, too!"  Outstanding.  Now you sit here and you pass this standardized test?

Let's give credit where credit is due, and spread that blame proportionately, with a healthy share going to those lazy little bastards, who truly make teaching a miserable endeavor.

Beyond Scared Straight

One of my favorite TV shows of all time is Beyond Scared Straight.  It is all about these little bad ass teenagers being taken to jail for a day, and essentially, getting the shit scared out of them.  The inmates get in their faces, yell at them, take their shoes, make them do push-ups, and sometimes even make them cry.  It is AWESOME.

I have just one problem with this TV show, and that is that they won't leave their little asses there overnight.  Let 'em see what the business really is.  Bunk them up with a dude who's serving 20 to life.  When it's time for lights out, put their ass in a cell, close the door, and walk away.  Make their parents sign waivers so they can't sue the jail.

Now this, this will scare their little punk asses straighter than that fake ass, restricted yelling the inmates do currently.  I still don't understand why the inmates hold back anyway.  Dude, you've got life.  What else can they do to you?

Even though the kids crack and breakdown during the show, on some core level they know that these prisoners can't do anything to them for real.  They know that there's only so far they can go with them.  You need to let the inmates take it as far as they want to.  I promise you, they'll never bring their little asses back to prison again.  Bitch, after just one overnight visit, those little monsters will be saying "Yes maam," "No maam," "Yes sir," "No sir," "Please" and "Thank You."  The smart ones, however, will simply offer themselves to the inmates, and avoid the thrashing their peers are getting in the next cell over.

Happy and Dumb

More and more each day, I consider deleting my facebook account.  The following sentence is an unedited, unchanged, verbatim post, written by an acquaintance of mine who is about to be de-friended:

Old habits are hard to brake sumtimes but I’m goin 2 brake this one no matter how hard it maybe

Again, I did not add, take away from, or edit this post in any way.  So I'm reading this, and I look at your profile picture, and you just a-smilin’.  Just happy.  Happy to be damn dumb. 

So, old habits are hard to brake huh?  Maybe you shouldn’t drive them so fast, and they wouldn’t be so hard to brake. 

I’m not even gonna touch on ‘sumtimes.’ It’s almost as bad as when people say they’re about to ‘cum’ over.  Please stop it.

No matter how hard it maybe….  Maybe what Suga?  Maybe you’re dumb as fuck and should have paid a little more attention in English class? 

I promise yall the page is coming down.  I feel like I get dumber every time I read some shit like this.  I just wanna reach through the screen and bam their heads against the keyboard.  The world really does not need any more people like you, as you are probably the result of poor breeding.  

China Is Poised For Takeover

Yes.  China IS poised for takeover.  And why is this?  It's because the majority of our citizens are dumb-as-fuck.  You can tell the majority of our citizens are dumb as fuck by the screening exams you have to take when applying for a job.  As you sit there answering the questions, you think to yourself, "Surely, nobody is this stupid."  Oh, but they are.

Believe it or not, even with the abundance of available, unemployed people, there is not an abundance of available, unemployed smart people.  And for the record, a college degree does not automatically make one smart.  It just means you followed directions well enough to be awarded this shoddy little piece of paper.  This expensive, shoddy little piece of paper.  Smart comes from within.  Education perfects it.

I used to teach, so trust me, I know what's out there.  Hell, even McDonald's is having a hard time staffing people, cause you're so dumb you might undercook the patties and kill somebody.

We need to watch this and take it very seriously, because while we're all over here passing kids through and letting them drop out en masse, China is busy cracking the whip on their kids and a-massing their armies.  Personally, I'm gonna brush up on my Mandarin, and when they finally show up, I'm going to offer myself to them.

Bitch, You'd Better Make Straight A's!

I don't have kids of my own yet, but when I do, I know one thing- Bitch, you'd better make straight A's.

I was talking with a friend tonight who's recently given birth, and she described the sheer horror of the overall experience.  Her baby's head tore her vaginal canal, and she had to be stitched from the inside out (44 stitches to be exact).  She pushed so hard that she got a hemorrhoid. She developed vericose veins on her calf muscles, and stretch marks around her torso that look like something out of the movie Beastly.


Let me tell you something, you little fucker, if I'm going to go through all of this to get you here, oh, you'd better make straight A's.  I mean STRAIGHT A's.  No B's.  No C's.  Certainly no F's.  Did I give you an F delivery?  I could have.  I could have pushed once and given up, but noooooo.  I pushed until I ripped myself.  You better push until you rip yourself too.