I Don't Know Why I'm Single

Tonight I found myself watching My Strange Addiction on TLC.  It featured a single mother of two who loves to chew on and swallow dryer sheets.  Yes, dryer sheets.  I waited an entire hour for her loving, supportive husband or boyfriend to show up, but he never did.  And then I scolded myself for believing that he actually might.

The fuck was I thinking?

Bitch, you eat dryer sheets???  I think the bigger question here is, who in the hell got you pregnant?  Twice?  This means at some point a male figure was close enough to you to knock you up.  Soooo did you tell him about the dryer sheets before or after y'all had sex?  I'm gonna go ahead and assume it was after.  He wrapped up his seven minutes of thrusting and you pulled your box of Downy out from under the bed and went to town.  I would have paid good money to see his face.  Tell me, is it really fair to put a man on child support when he learns he impregnated a chick hooked on dryer sheets?  I'm leaning towards maybe not, but this is what I mean when I talk about making poor decisions with your dick.  Now and for the rest of your life, you're the guy who got the dryer-sheet girl pregnant.  Great job.

Now more than ever am I certain the aliens are getting closer.  Surely their spaceships are interfering with the magnetic field of the earth, because there truly is no other explanation for the random, weird, strange human beings on this planet.

The Tall Man

There is yet another scary movie out that involves a man lurking in the woods outside of a home.  This time, however, the man is TALL.

Honey, bypass those trash cans and come on in this house.  I'll have dinner ready in about 20 minutes.  My goodness, what are you like 8...9 feet tall?  You look a little cold, should I turn on the heater?  Here's some hot cocoa, Suga.

I don't know what's up with this new trend in Hollywood, but I like it!

Batteries Not Included

I work with a guy who I'm pretty sure is a robot.  When the pending alien invasion takes place, there is no question that he will be one of the first to shed his human body and carry out the orders of his programmers.

I know this seems far-fetched, but hear me out---Dude is a robot.  Or an alien.  I'm not sure which one, but it definitely isn't human.  There are two main reasons I think this:

1.  I've witnessed him hit his chest with his fist periodically throughout the day.  Not a hard hit, but a good solid thump.  When I asked him why he does this, thinking maybe he'd say indigestion, his reply was, "it's good for the muscle."  Really now?  See, that's an answer only a robot would give.  I think he does it to restart his heart.

2.  Talking to him is like talking to a highly sophisticated Android.  His statements are slightly delayed and unnatural, like there is some sort of processing error.  He often repeats himself as robots do, because there is no new input.  When he does this, I figure he's probably in need of a reboot or system update of some sort..  His movements are also quite jerky, not smooth like a normal human's.  Overall, something is just fucking off.

I know yall don't believe me and that's fine.  You just wait!  It's gonna be on the news and you can say you heard it here, first!

Milk Bags

For the life of me, I can't understand why anyone would purposely attach unnecessarily sized breasts to the front of their body.  These things are heavy, they make your back hurt, and they make you look fatter than you actually are.

Celebrities with these F and G installments would like to have us believe that they are happy with their decisions.  With all due respect, Bitch please.  You can't even roll over onto your stomach, how could you possibly be happy?

My mother affectionately refers to these ridiculously sized breasts as "milk bags."  The term is fitting to say the least, and women who do this to themselves on purpose are somewhere in my top 20 list of dumbest people on the planet.

Death Adder

I was in the convenience store today looking for some Snapple (Nectarine White Tea to be exact) when I ran across a hellish energy drink, disturbingly named "Death Adder."

Now, I am a fan of the energy drink.  I see nothing wrong with the occasional boost needed to sit through your day.  But Death Adder?  Dayyyum!?

You must really be going through something to drink ANYTHING entitled Death Adder.  More than what it might do to you, what might you do to others after consuming such a beverage?

I hope this gets pulled from the shelves soon, but I might buy a can just as a collectible/keepsake.  In 20 years, no one will believe this shit really existed.  

Bad Luck Birds

I have run into a lot of folks in my time who, within the first 15 minutes of knowing them, have told me their entire life stories, that happen to be filled with a series of unfortunate events.  I call these people Bad Luck Birds.  

One time I met a guy who seemed normal enough.  On the first phone call, he informed me that he had been laid off twice in the past year, totaled his car-shattering his left knee in the process, been wrongfully arrested, and lost his best friend in a boating accident.  Oh yeah, and he's partially blind in his left eye with no hope of correction.  And you're 30.

Baby, I don't want to hang out with you.  You've got bad luck.  Imma need for some of that to rub off before I'll even set foot in a car with you.  Damn thing might run off the road.

Now, please don't get me wrong.  I understand that everyone goes through things from time to time, and that it sometimes pours when it rains, but damn.  Can you keep some of that to yourself, please?  What exactly am I supposed to say in response to these things?

This is the kinda stuff I run into, which is why I generally stay my ass at home.

The Dark Knight

I'm the first to admit that I am waaaaaay behind on my movies.  It's just not a priority to me.  But, I do catch up a few years later!

I saw Batman: The Dark Knight for the first time a few days ago, and immediately, my first thought was, 'Is there any particular reason you're talking like that, Batman?'

Homeboy sounds like he smokes 15 packs of Newports a day.  He makes the Joker sound normal by comparison.  Now, I haven't seen the movies that precede this one, but I, uhhh, don't think he was talking like that.  Was he?

If he was, you should all be ashamed of yourselves for letting this go on for so long.  I certainly can't picture him on top of me, because that voice would freak me the eff out.