Sex's Got You Broke

For those of you not native to the southern region of America, this title reads:  Sex Has Got You Broke.  And it has.

One shining example is Mr. Chad Ochocinco, who was recently arrested and released on bond for headbutting his new wife, Evelyn "I'm About That Life" Lozada.  Great.  And why did he headbutt her?  Because they were arguing over a receipt she found for a freshly purchased box of condoms.  Not only was he arrested and is now facing charges, he was dropped from the Miami Dolphins this morning AND had his reality show with Evelyn put on an indefinite hiatus.

I remember a moment during this season of Basketball Wives, when Chad told Evelyn, "I'm only marrying you cause you got good pu$$y.  It ain't cause you're cute."  Evelyn laughed it off and I'm sure dismissed it as Chad being Chad.  But no, he was serious, and he meant every word he said.  And now look at yourself.  Chasing around after some damn sex has got you broke.  If not broke, it has certainly terminated some income streams for you.  I hope that shit was worth it, and I hope you invested the money you did make, well!

Let's explore the issue a little further though.  How else can sex get you broke?  Let's take a trip to the grocery store to find out the answer.  You're standing at checkout along with three little bad ass children, running around the displays, knocking shit over, bobbing and weaving around your cart.  You look at their momma and she doesn't exactly look like she's banking.  On top of that, she looks exhausted.  And for what?  All for some lil' funky ass sex.  Sex got her in the predicament she's in today.  Married or not married, sex is what ultimately has her in this position.  Now she'll be broke x3, perhaps for the rest of her life!  Naturally, the same applies to males who simply must raw-dog it with every woman they meet, and therefore, have 4 kids by 3 different women.  Their pockets will be turned inside out from here till kingdom come.

How else can sex get you broke?  It can get you broke when that happy little marriage of yours gets ruined and dragged through divorce court all because you couldn't keep your peter in your pan.  Now you've got lawyer fees, assets to divide up, rent to pay in two places, so forth and so on.  All because of some lil' dry ass, insufficient sex.  Are we starting to get the picture here?

So we're losing jobs, spreading our money thin, going to divorce court and sometimes jail, all for some sex?  Dayum.  As a society, don't you think this is a little pathetic?  That something that really only lasts about 7 minutes dictates our lives to the point where it affects us financially?  That's just tragic.

London 2012

Ok so I lied.  I've been hopelessly glued to my television since the actual Olympics started.  USA is doing so well overall, and I've seen some of the finest creatures I've ever seen in my entire life!  These thangs look like Greco-Roman gods!  Where is the world have they been hiding?

But naturally, where there is beauty, there are ashes.  I've identified yet another sport where you clearly have issues to want to take part in.  Shot put?  Really?  You literally throw shit for fun.  And you spin around in a circle to do it.  How in the world does one ever discover they have a knack for this?  What kind of anger issues are you working through in order to generate the necessary force to hurl that heavy steel ball?  I'm just sayin, don't you find it to be just a little bit strange?

Strange as it may be, I'm actually enjoying it all.  These people are truly talented, and should be an inspiration for us all to get up off our lazy asses!

Batteries Not Included

I work with a guy who I'm pretty sure is a robot.  When the pending alien invasion takes place, there is no question that he will be one of the first to shed his human body and carry out the orders of his programmers.

I know this seems far-fetched, but hear me out---Dude is a robot.  Or an alien.  I'm not sure which one, but it definitely isn't human.  There are two main reasons I think this:

1.  I've witnessed him hit his chest with his fist periodically throughout the day.  Not a hard hit, but a good solid thump.  When I asked him why he does this, thinking maybe he'd say indigestion, his reply was, "it's good for the muscle."  Really now?  See, that's an answer only a robot would give.  I think he does it to restart his heart.

2.  Talking to him is like talking to a highly sophisticated Android.  His statements are slightly delayed and unnatural, like there is some sort of processing error.  He often repeats himself as robots do, because there is no new input.  When he does this, I figure he's probably in need of a reboot or system update of some sort..  His movements are also quite jerky, not smooth like a normal human's.  Overall, something is just fucking off.

I know yall don't believe me and that's fine.  You just wait!  It's gonna be on the news and you can say you heard it here, first!

Assholes In The Pool

Sooooo the fact that storm clouds are developing right over your head means nothing to you, huh?  You just figure that you're safe out there in all that water, surrounded by all those underground pipes and metal pool chairs?  The fuck outta here.  Or maybe your bird-brained philosophy is to wait it out until the bolts get reeeeeaaaally close, then you'll get out of the pool.  At any rate, my sympathy level will be at -1 by the time the ambulance arrives to cart your dumb asses off to the hospital.

Name That Bird!

Over the years, my friends and I have come across lots of men who've left comical impressions.  Some we've dated, others were just friends, and others were just people we happened to know.  All have a funny story behind them.  Over time, it becomes difficult keeping up with the real names of all these different birds.  We found it much easier to assign nicknames!  Here for your viewing pleasure, are a sample of some of the nicknames, who all represent real people:

Droid
Popeye
Helicopter
Grimace
Scruff McGruff
The Guppy aka Nemo
401K
Fine #1
Fine #2
Preacher
Software Company
Thug Passion
The Roo
Always Strapped
Pho-Tog
Ninja aka Master Splinter
Tank Head
Pearlie
Thirsty McThurston
Siete
Hercules
Mr. 48
The Planarian
Teapot
2 Hoops
'Bae'
Big Sexy
Hot Doctor
White Bird
and last but not least,

Dread Wig.

The Donkey-Dicked Strut

There is a certain walk a man possesses when he really has his shit together and believes in it.  This walk is called the Donkey-Dicked Strut.

The Donkey-Dicked Strut originated by possessors of said donkey-dicks.  The stride is cool and easy, never hurried.  There's a grace and a rhythm to it.  This person doesn't appear to have a care in the world, and why should they?  They have donkey-dicks! 

Pretty soon, average sized men started to realize that 90% of the reason men with the DDS were more successful than them was all in the attitude these guys possessed.  They learned from their sisters and other female friends that most women don't really want donkey-dicked fools, and that those who have donkey-dicks don't know how to work them half the time.  These men realized that if they could just mimic the walk, success would surely follow.  

And the Donkey-Dicked Strut was born.  There is a guy in my office with a Donkey-Dicked Strut.  He walks around the place like he has not a care in this world.  They could fire him and he'd stroll out of there at the same pace he strolled in.  Totally unfazed.  Rather he has a donkey dick or not, who knows?  All that matters is he comes across like he does!  

Practice makes perfect, so work on your Donkey-Dicked Strut, everyday!

Independent & Resourceful

So I've got this issue going on in my car where the entire back right floorboard has gotten soaked.  Hell if I know how it happened, but I've been through at least 15 towels trying to get the water up.

At any rate, I took the car to the dealership to see if there was anything they could do to help me.  Unfortunately, their service department was closed, but their sex department wasn't.  Out walks this 6'6" man with a 5'4" belly.  "Hello maam, can I help you?"  So I start telling him about the issue I'm having and asking him what I should do to fix it.  We walk over to my car and I open the door so he can reach down and feel the floor.

The door opened, but there was no reaching.  He just stood there and stared at the floor.  "Yeah, looks like you've got a problem."  It didn't look like damn anything.  It looked dry, that's why I needed him to touch it and see how saturated it was.  But he didn't.  So I'm preparing to leave now as he was completely unhelpful when he says to me, "So, are you married?  Single?  What's your situation?  Let me take you out to dinner sometime."  I looked at him, looked at that satchel hanging off the front of him, and said "Suga, I'm unavailable."

Instead of him taking the hint, he continues on, "Well I ain't askin' for much.  I'm just looking for a woman who's independent and resourceful."  Again, I looked at him, looked at that deflated, flap-lopped, saggy belly and said, "Are you those things?"

How dare you ask a woman to be independent when clearly you're not!  You are very dependent on that belly and what it feels like doing that day.  What if you need to take off running?  Do you have that option?  All I can picture is a lifetime of you saying, "Baby, pick that up for me...."  And clearly you're not resourceful, because if you were, you would have done something about that little situation of yours by now.  Who honestly wants to live that way?  And above all, do you think I can picture THAT on top of me?  You ain't bringing nothin' home with that.  Nothing.  But you want a woman who's independent and resourceful?  The fuck outta here.

Abandon Shit

Ya know, people really can be low down and dirty sometimes.  I have noticed a new trend in the women's bathroom that might end up getting somebody cursed out.

You walk in the bathroom and you know someone's in there taking a shit because they never learned how to courtesy flush.  So it's expanding and filling the atmosphere, but you have no time to go to the next bathroom because you have to pee so bad.

So you know what these hateful heifers do?  They wait for you to enter your stall, then they hurry up and flush, wash their hands, and dart out of the bathroom, leaving you looking like the guilty party for that funky shit that's in the air.  Now you have a choice:  hurry up and finish before someone else comes in, or wait it out and execute the Abandon Shit on someone else, even though it's not your shit you're abandoning!  It truly is a vicious cycle.

The next chick who tries to pull this on me is gonna hear "Oh No Ma'am!  No Ma'am, No Ma'am!  Get yo' ass back here and claim this! Own this nasty shit!  You did this!  You're not gonna put this on me!"

The Look

If you follow the blog, you know I have an overall disdain for interactions with the general public.  It stresses me out.  I really think it has something to do with the fact that there are now too many people on the planet.  It's bound to get stressful.

Anyway, I'm in the grocery store today, and I found myself having to administer 'The Look' twice.  The Look is an effective tool used to communicate your complete and total disgust, with a person.  You must remain still while giving The Look, or else it's just a glance.  Your face must be devoid of emotion.  The Look is purposeful...and powerful.  

First, I gave The Look to this 10 year old girl who was coughing and heaving near the meat department.  You know the kind of cough that throws you into a wretch?  That's what this little heifer was doing.  I stood there and gave her The Look, as I was thoroughly disgusted at this point.  Wanna know what happened?  She covered her mouth!  That Look is something else, let me tell ya.  It shames people on site and causes them to correct their behavior.  

The second administration of The Look came while I was checking out.  This toddler was screaming his head off in the basket in front of me.  His momma just ignored it as I'm sure she has grown accustomed to this noise pollution.  So while she's putting her groceries on the belt, he's wailing, and starts looking all around her, looking for backup and reassurance.  He looked at me, and I gave him The Look which read, "You look so ridiculous right now.  No one is impressed.  Shut it The Fuck up."  Wanna know what happened?  He looked down, put his fingers in his mouth, took a breath, and ceased with the bullshit.  

I suggest developing and practicing a 'Look' of your own.  Trust me, you will need it, especially while driving.  

Throwing The Dick With Confidence

I've been trying to keep up with my online dating lately, and the online dating scene is a pitiful sight to see.  It is filled with grown men who've never grown up, thirsty wannabees, strange, precious, rare birds, the disenfranchised, and outright losers.  I think I hate it so much because everyone is essentially selling themselves, and they're not doing a good job at it.  There's such a pathetic desperation behind each profile, with the exception of a rare few.

Among the lump are a few men who don't look like they can throw the dick worth a damn.  They stand there with their lips poked out and a look on their face that reads "Love me, please?"  I will not love you, because you sir, don't even look like you satisfy yourself.  I need a man who looks and acts like he can throw the dick with some confidence!  A man who stands up straight, not hunched over and all scared lookin.'  A man who allows his whole face to be seen.  A man who cares enough to get that gut in order.  A man who looks like his life is headed in the right general direction.

Now, a few of my readers have accused me of hating men, and I assure you this is not the case.  I love men, I hate what they've become.  This is one sorry ass crop these women turned out about 30 years ago.  They should collectively be ashamed of themselves.  If you are a good man who's reading this, be a light unto your male community, please, for us all.  Inspire some of those shiftless friends of yours to be a little better.  Otherwise, who will your daughters marry?